Hey everyone! My apologies for my reply taking so long. I went to Europe Sep 3rd -21st and it was running around like crazy before and was exhausted when I returned

We had a great time, though!
First off, I want to let Hopalong know that your comments
did not insult me in any way. It was a perfectly reasonable suggestion that there is something in my voice that triggers those that I am having issues with. What came first, however, the issues or the voice, is a whole other question. I know for sure that I do feel defensive quite a bit when, especially when discussing 'hot' topics with my Nmom. I think we both set off each other at times.
That brings me to jacmac's question with a question:
What kind of person, if you express a wish or a hurt that is perfectly reasonable (and I'm guessing if you're a people pleaser who is trying to enforce boundaries, it is a perfectly reasonable request) then goes on to tell you that your wish or hurt is actually depriving them of something or hurting them?
My answer is: Someone who basically cares about protecting their own view of themself. It's tough with my Nmom - she will give you the shirt off your back, but it has so much to do with her own insecurities. I truly believe that she is a caring and loving woman, but her own issues run so deep that so many things she does are to maintain her shell to keep from facing the things (I believe) she needs to face (getting outside, making friends, doing what she wants to do for herself). And, it is especially tough when I tell her that I disapprove of something she has said or is doing...or set boundries. Then, that Change-Back (thank you, Stormchild!) reaction happens and, depending on the situation, she turns into a defensive beast that will throw any trick in the book to try and put the 'blame' back onto me.
I totally agree that I should treat my Nmom and partner as separate entities. But, the influences and poor role models I had while growing up (even though they were loving) still effects my relationships to this day. I sometimes get defensive with my partner when I don't need to. My first tendency is to want people to treat me a certain way (because I was never taught that making mistakes is part of life. Instead, mistakes were other peoples' fault that should have known better than to hurt me). It's hard to relax and let relationships unfold when that is your gut reaction.
Well, I hope that I have touched on the main points of all of your responses, and for all of them I thank you!! You all sure do help me get through all these thoughts...
Hope that you are all having a great fall so far,
Doodle