Secret Bad Habit

[Hopalong]

Aww, Jac.
I know you're not vain.

Here's an odd thought:
You're just as beautiful as you're supposed to be.

Hmmm. If I say that to myself, anyway, it feels okay. (Hope it doesn't sound wrong. I'm sure you're very beautiful and your inner punisher won't let you enjoy it.)

What I think about Magazine Beauty (according to social standards now, which are all different from 50 years ago, which were different from 50 years before that, and so on)...is that it's LUCK.

Healthy Beauty, from self-care and more or less sensible habits, now that's a glow.

Think about the deleriously healthy and happy supermodels...?? (That was a quick thought, right?)

It's good you're Just Jac, imho. I bet you're STUNNING when you're smiling, breathing deeply, and in love with the weather.

Hops

[gratitude28]

Love you all! This thread made my day on so many levels.
Hey... we're all human and we're allowed to be that way.
Some habits ARE part of us. Some could/should be stopped. All of us are special!!!!!
Thank you, thank you!
Love, Beth

[gratitude28]

p.s. There is so much I want to respond to, but a bit short on time and mental energy today...

[WRITE]

One of the things my therapist proposed to me though is that everytime I withhold from myself, I'm teaching myself not to trust me.  Which is why the next time I get a piece of cake or any food which I deny myself I binge on it - logically thinking, I bet she'll never let me have this again and then I feel bad, vow not to do that again, punish myself, and the cycle continues.

wow, I never thought of it like that. The subconscious does grant our desires. Next time I have a craving I'll know it's 'cos I was mean to myself somewhere else.

Thanks for that!

[Certain Hope]

Dear Jac,

  Reading what you said here last night is what got me to thinking more about the improper boundaries we might have in place... those that are based either in lack of trust for ourselves or learned from poor examples set in our childhoods. If I didn't like cheese and ice cream so much, I'd be the ideal setup for anorexia, too     I have no problem leaving the house with hair out of place, but I surely do not like to eat much. I'd just as soon skip it altogether, so disciplining myself to sit down and eat a "normal" meal is no easy feat. It's not a weight issue at all with me, but rather a matter of control, I think. Alot in my family revolved around food and drinking, and mealtime was often a time when my mother (and N-ex) would choose to sulk, so I think it's the whole "sit down meal" thing that I tend to avoid.

   Also, in trying to reform some of what I've viewed as my bad habits (especially in overcoming perfectionism) I've tended to go far to the opposite extreme and then gotten stuck in that rut. Like keeping a schedule... I was feeling like a clock watcher and it was causing me alot of tension, so in determining to stop that, I was getting a bit overly relaxed and not getting my regular chores completed. Can't win for losing sometimes! So now, like with monitoring my internet time, I use the kitchen timer. Instead of watching the clock, I take a break when needed and set that timer, so that the day doesn't get too far away from me. I think for me, the "cold turkey" approach to some of this stuff just stirs up too much resentment and obsessive rubbish, so applying some more flexible self-discipline seems to be best. Maybe a similar approach would work with your cake? Instead of leaving it to chance, make an agreement with yourself to enjoy X number of slices of cake per week ( I dunno, 3?... lol, I can hear you groaning  )
The point is, make it a reasonable number so that you don't feel shortchanged, but then stick with the agreement you make with yourself. I am finding that this technique truly builds a new level of self-trust and keeps me on track better!

Much love,
Hope

[Hopalong]

Hi Bean,
Long day at work with just a quick peek at the board and I knew you'd written a beautiful line...couldn't remember what thread it was on, just found it now, and want to say THANK YOU!

Love is a ritual, as...the actions we commit to [it]...are kind

(hope the little edit wasn't incorrect or out of line--say the word if so and I'll zap it)

Hops

[WRITE]

I could just here my inner child groan.  Can you believe that this good for nothing is gonna do it to us again!!!

Oh no, poor inner child!

I guess you'll have to work on the guilt associated with feeding your inner child?

I know for me the new sense of 'wholeness' I am feeling is about connecting all the parts of myself, including that playful fearful expectant quivering-with-wonderment soul inside of me...

Maybe it's a process jac.

What are you worried about the consequences?

CH said I surely do not like to eat much. I'd just as soon skip it altogether, so disciplining myself to sit down and eat a "normal" meal is no easy feat. It's not a weight issue at all with me, but rather a matter of control, I think.

and I had a friend who used to be very big but has had no weight issues ( but other issues ) for many years tell me recently- I'm always afraid of losing control.

One of the things I have fought with is the acceptance I can't control lots of things and the trust that I will be where and how I am meant to be.

I couldn't truly be with G_d until I accepted that I have to trust and not try to control grace ( through religion or prayer- prayer to me is really asking for answers now and listening to the calm voice inside which gives explanation )

I'm waffling! I guess it boils down to love, pure love.

Anyone got some more concrete thoughts on loving your inner child?

***

Time is another commodity, it can be a wonderful gift or a source of constant pressure.

I remember this guy once, he had been raised by Travelling people and we went for a beer to celebrate his negative Hiv test. I had to get back to work, and was looking for a clock, he beamed at me, full of love and relief for his gaining more time/life, and said 'I grew up with gypsies. We don't carry time...'

[reallyME]

My opinion is, stay the heck AWAY from LUNESTA, whatever you do...the withdrawl effects are AWFUL beyond words!

I think taking meds to get a SOUND night's sleep, is not a bad idea.

My little struggle in life is with my intense almost HATRED toward my husband of 19 years.  Since studying Psychology and learning things online, I now see him as the 7-14 yr old child that REFUSES TO GROW UP!  He dresses like a geek, he wears white sport socks that show with his flood pants, he tucks his shirts in and wears a belt, when all the other guys wear their shirts relaxedly outside their pants, his underarms REEK,  he has broken-off, ROTTEN teeth up in his gums, so when he smiles you see messed up gums with chunks of teeth in them, his hair is grey on the sides and he often cuts it in an ugly brush cut.  I just really wish I believed in divorce sometimes, based on his physical appearance and lack of hygiene. He also talks to himself and paces back and forth across the floor constantly.  He reminds me of my critical grandfather and constantly says "huh?" which also makes me feel annoyed.

He doesn't CARE about how he appears to me, that he no longer is attractive to me and I feel NOTHING toward him in the way of sexual attraction either.  He refuses to change himself and I have been the one to constantly work on losing weight, improving my appearance, etc.  It just all makes me so angry.  I sometimes want OUT but the familiar comfort and ease of the "expected" is more desirable than the unknown of living on my own, or shall I say the KNOWN Of it...I do NOT want to be FORCED to have to support my children when I have a man to do it...selfish?  maybe, but it's my right by virtue of marriage for almost 19 years.  I lived homeless when I left him a few times.  I KNOW that the government makes women look like the "VICTIMIZERS" and forces them to fend for themselves no matter what.  Been there, done that, came back to the husband cause it was easier and I'm LAZY by choice when it comes to having to take care of myself by default.

So, please don't get on any "well you could always leave him" routines.  I tried that and it's not that I couldnt' make it...number one, I KNOW me...I'd be searching for the next guy to marry. It is against my beliefs, number two, and I don't HAVE to take care of myself and the girls financially, so why put myself in that situation.  There are 3 kids we're talking about here, who about lost their minds the last time I left and then turned ME into the "bad guy" the whole time I was separated...saying, "YOU LEFT DAD, HE DIDN'T LEAVE YOU!  I HAVE NOTHING TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT"  I was turned into the one who was WRONG and I hated it and will NOT go through it again.

anyway, so that's my struggle right now.

~Laura

[WRITE]

that's my struggle right now.

I have to run but not without leaving you a big hug (((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
and some love

~W

[reallyME]

Thank you for the big hug, Write

[Certain Hope]

Weee----llllll, Jac! If you get to eat cake on Friday, then I get to put away my timer!!    So there  !!   lol

No kidding, gotta have those designated play times. I mean, regular chores are getting done (I've been up for hours) but there's really nothing pressingly urgent today till about midnight, when I'll have to run out to pick up daughter from away-football game. Ugh. Better squeeze in a nap at some point. Tomorrow kids will be home, so I'll have to be rested up to give them my attention. Today I shall relax and have fun! I have to say that to myself lest the guilts creep in and suggest otherwise. There is nothing so pressing that I need worry. Worry is not a virtue. I do not have to get everything: fixed, completed, made right, solved, etc... today!

Jac ~  And guess what I did?   On Friday I thought to myself, But think how much calories you will save if you do NOT have that peice of cake.  Come on, you can do it.  Just skip it this week.  You'll have it next week.

Sounds like you're in competition with your self! Oh my, is that a familiar notion. I think that critical parent needs to take an extended vacation?
Each time I read through these threads, I pick up on something else and it's wonderful. Just to see things in a new light, through someone else's experience, is so encouraging and little by little, the obsessive thinking fades into a distant memory.


        ((((((((((((Laura)))))))))))

   Just a suggestion from me to you... I think your struggle would be eased if you make #2 into #1 and then define it further, making it concrete. What I mean is, make your primary reason for remaining married = your desire to please, serve, honor, glorify God. That decision of will simplifies so much as it removes self-doubt and self-focus from the mix. I believe it's the first necessary step to sorting through all the other stuff.

The other thing that occurs to me is... re: his lack of personal grooming...  ok, so he's got the mentality of a child/young teen and  "doesn't care" how you feel about his nastiness. So use the same technique that works with someone of his mental age. What if you made it entirely his choice... he showers (goes to the dentist, tries a new deodorant, etc) and you reward that behavior by treating him with something you know he would enjoy. Instead of accenting his bad points, make it clear that he gains when he does something right. Kids understand this. Gee, honey, I'd like to take you over to your friend's house to play, but you chose to not: do your chores, clean your room, whatever. Let him know that he is choosing the negative when he doesn't make himself presentable to you. See... it's not you withholding physical affection, it's him not doing what's necessary to make that possible. Maybe he'll "get it" if it's presented with a smile (probably will take alot of non-nagging, positive repetition and reinforcement) when he finds that it's a whole lot more pleasant around the house when he does a few simple things to make it so. Simple cause and effect, without all the emotional attachments that muck it up.
Cheering for you, Laura.

Write, I recently bought a bumper sticker which says, "There is only one God. Quit applying for His position".  Amen

Love,
Hope

Love,
Hope

[Sela]

Hiya Laura,

It sounds like you are really living in a catch 22 situation.  Your beliefs are keeping you stationed with someone you would otherwise rather be rid of.  That's probably something that is alot more common than not, I would bet.

My little struggle in life is with my intense almost HATRED toward my husband of 19 years.

That seems like it must be a difficult struggle.  You just don't seem to me like a person who hates easily.  I don't want to sound like I know anything but I was just wondering if it might be possible to work on changing your thinking a little, to help yourself tolerate him better?

His behaviour sounds abnormal.  He has been abusive toward his wife and kids.  He doesn't look after himself hygenically.    He's immature.  Can you think of him as.... ill?  A bit sick, right now?  Not well?

The reason I'm suggesting this is because if you intend to stay with him, it seems logical that you will have to find a way to get to a point where you are able to live your own life, without letting him affect you.  It just seems like the only way to stay and find peace, imo.

So if it were possible to consider him just sick/unwell/ill..... the strong feelings you have might lessen a little?

Don't know if this helps at all.  I hope it does.  If not, just disregard it.

Sela

[penelope]

Hiya jac - well, yes, I can sort of relate to this vanity kick stuff.  N Mom and Dad had/have that going pretty strong (Mom has had multiple surgeries - liposuctions/tummy tuck/reconstructive abdomonal surgery)... 

I have had a surgery of my own (nose - which I never liked).  Sometimes I feel a sense of guilt at being raised by such vain parents, as I know some of it has carried over to me.

It does help, me anyway, to be partnered with someone who is attractive (to me) but not vain at all.  I don't know why, but when that happened, I stopped worrying about my weight (which is normal), my looks, presenting myself to others...all the Crap, I was raised to believe was Sooo important.  It's not.  The only thing my b/f has ever said to me was:  I hope you will shower everyday, cause I don't want to be known as the guy at work with the "stinky" girlfriend... (which hurt my feelings a bit, cause since he also convinced me to wear deoderant without aluminum for health reasons since we met, my body chemistry is still trying to "adjust."  Let's just say the alternatives don't work as well).     Also, I have extremely dry skin, so when I shower a lot - like once a day- it gets even drier, which cause clogged pores and acne in my case.  So I guess that is my other secret habit - obsessive zit squeezing.  It sucks to be in your 30's and have worse acne than I had even as a teenager!  (I already look young, so this makes me look younger, which I hate cause people at work think I'm in my 20's).

As I write all this, I start to laugh.  It's stupid the things we become obsessed with, aint it?


Reallyme -  I am very sorry to hear about your situation with hubby.  Sela had some good suggestions.  Just wanted to add one other one - is it possible your hubby doesn't want to spend money or appear selfish, so he's not taking care of himself for this reason?  In your case, a small dose of Reverse vanity may be in order.  Just so you wouldn't feel so repulsed by him.... He can have some of my vanity, I don't need any more!!!!     I wish there was a formula for telling someone:  hey, I'd really like it if you'd do X to look better (cut your hair this way, trim your nails, lose 15 pounds, whatever)...that didn't hurt their feelings, of course.  What can you do though?   

hugs all,
p.b.

[reallyME]

I have tried to handle the husband in the way you said, CH...been married, 19 years, remember?  Tried everything, sis...nothing works.

~RM

[Certain Hope]

Laura,

  Doesn't he get lonesome when you refuse to come near him unless he's bathed/shaved/desmellified? What if you wear a Victoria's Secret type get-up and a come-hither look and ask him, "Can I draw you a bath, dear?"  I know what it's like to think I've tried everything, but if it isn't working, sometimes we just have to get a bit more creative. Sorry... I'll stop now.

Love,
Hope