I am not "Undeserving."

[Gaining Strength]

I have been excavating into the ruins of my unconscience and in the early hours tween dark and light I came across a skeleton I had heard existed.  Underneath a slab of shame I found a treasure trove of "UNDERSERVING".  It is a huge deposit, a true mother lode.  What a find.  I am chipping away at it with a small pickaxe of positive thoughts.  But this will take a while.  Does anyone have a sledgehammer I can use to smash this toxic layer? 

I'm so glad to have found it.  As I make progress clearing it away I think I will find my dump of a house is cleared away as well.

Send any tools (words of encouragement) you have to help me.

Thanks - Gaining Strength.

[OR]

Gaining Strength

Does anyone have a sledgehammer I can use to smash this toxic layer? 

Heres a thought, Feed only the positive thoughts and starve the negative.

Soon the negative will become smaller and weaker.

All this didn't happen over night and will no doubt take lots of work to turn the negatives back to the positives you are deserving of .

happy feeding, my tool of encouragement.    OR

[Gaining Strength]

OR

Thanks - that's a big boost.  I use that positive thought to go to work smashing those toxic words of "inadequacy".  What an encouragement. 

Gaining Strength

[OR]

jacmac

Attempt to discover what function is has been serving.

For example: You like to procrastinate and you want to stop.

The function procrastination serves and why you would choose to continue would be ?

Example:

I would not have to confront
I would be able to do something more fun
I could hope whatever it is would go away
I would never fail because I would not try to do whatever it is.
I could keep things the way they are, not rock the boat for fear of rejection.
I could keep telling myself negative things because self loathing keeps me from the success I fear.

So can I look at a function take on some emotional discomfort in order to achieve my goal.

What you think??

[Gaining Strength]

teartracks - that's a great attitude to take.  I'm all for it.  I love taking on difficult adventures so I'll think of this as a difficult but rewarding experience.

jacmac and OR - I think I get your point.  This "undeserving" layer served some purpose in my survival stages of life but now has become a liability.  Is that what you mean?  The sense of being "undeserving" has been unconscious until recently.  Even the overwhelming sense of shame has been unconscious but both have had an incredibly oppressive force in my life.  So if they have been unconscious can they still have served a purpose?

Thanks - GS

[OR]

GS.

Even the overwhelming sense of shame has been unconscious but both have had an incredibly oppressive force in my life.  So if they have been unconscious can they still have served a purpose?

Think,,Think unconscious deep real deep ............ What is it that you fear? rejection? emotional discomfort?
Fear of failing who? You, your mother? Shame for a mistake ? Making people that have little respect for you happy?  I believe oppressive forces unconscious or conscious would serve a purpose even to survive trauma.

Some people are jerks and they enjoy placing shame on others because of their own shame.
Feeling undeserving from people that enjoy building themselves up while putting you down will tend to overshadow you.
Step away from the emotional vampires so you can see more clear then you can understand you have strength to surpass their dim life and move to a brighter future.

I'm in a mood today!  OR
 

[Certain Hope]

Makes perfect sense to me, Jac.
Always, always, we have to get at the root of the matter and when I do that, it never fails that I'll find one of two things..... fear or pride.

Hope

[OR]

GS want to share with you

What I feel undeserving about : Love from my mother, who would also punish my siblings in some way if they did not go along with her rejection of me. (I have lots of pain about this and keep my distance from them)

Who does not deserve love from their mother?
There is shame that goes along with being the outsider, knowing you're going to get the silent treatment and the unloving actions will be there..
So painful when you want to say "I Love You" and not have that love returned.

I have had many, many tears and tried to understand, I find reasons that could make sense to her, but they don't to me.
As an adult I know my mother likes the way things are and I have gone for so long with out her in my life I don't know what a mothers love is like.

I am able to show the love I have and give all I have to to my D.
Some times I need reassurance that my lack of mothers love keeps me from knowing for sure I'm giving my D the Love she is deserving of.

I think my ROOTword  is fear
Never  being perfect enough to deserve love.. I am flawed in some way.
In the past I gave away who I was, taking the back seat to my N-husband ,if he wanted me flaws and all he was better than me,  more deserving to take what ever worth he believed I had. 
I let him suck the life out of me, now 1 yr later Divorced and 1500 miles away I feel life returning, there is no N-mother and no N-husband sucking me lifeless.

 I'm working my way out of that pit, it keeps me busy and still a work in progress flaws and all

... OR

[Certain Hope]

((((((((((((((OR))))))))))))))) your daughter is very blessed to have you. I'm so glad that you were able to put such distance between you two and those who are unwilling to value you.

Love,
Hope

[Hopalong]

Bravo, OR.
That is a horrible pit.

I know I found in the company of loving and supportive friends, and in my church community, a kind of mother love that has made a great difference to me.

You can...go out and find mothering, as well as mothering yourself.
You deserve it and you did NOT deserve her rejection.

Consider it a horrible unforseen accident, like a car wreck. An emotional disease took your mother away. And you get to find love in soooooooooooooo many new places. It's there.

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

OR and Jacmac - I wrote a long, searching, heartfelt exposee of a reply and posted it 10 minutes ago and bizarrely it disappeared in cyberspace.

I'm too tired to reconstruct it but bottom line is thank you for your profound, insightful posts.  I am going to spend some time dwelling with your thoughts.  I think you are pointing me in a significant direction.

I'll keep you posted on my results.

Thanks is not close to what I would really like to convey -
Gaining Strength

[OR]

GS, I have learned to copy and paste into a note pad then use the alt tab and insert the text as I move along.
there must be a timer to post a reply.

I hope your gaining some healing with what has been shared.

HL
[quoteLConsider it a horrible unforseen accident, like a car wreck. An emotional disease took your mother away. And you get to find love in soooooooooooooo many new places. It's there.

I have let myself use the emotional disease for both my Mother and EX. now I look for my D to do the same about her father.Never wanted this to be my first choice so you continue the best you can with what you have, then move on.  (I wish I could sheild her from this, Im powerless to a point)

With an N-Ex husband I went 27yrs with little support from others, ex was good to Isolate any friends and with the problems with my mother Isolation became easy. He often said No to family gatherings and No to everthing or cause unbelievable drama when he would say yes. 
Now I have friends  D and I are having a blast and finding all kinds of support.

Life is good (-) Ns in my life...  OR  (dog wants out, got to go)

[Hopalong]

Now I have friends  D and I are having a blast and finding all kinds of support.

Life is good

 

[moonlight52]

OR ,

life is good - N's in my life. The relief I have experienced since my decision to not allow the N's in my life has brought me peace.
I do not think there is anything wrong with me.My hubby and 2 daughters see the change in me and he is not in my head.
Every day that goes by I feel my life is mine.My N dad still calls me.He has never done this before.

But he does not understand the new me.I love him at a distance and my life is mine.When he calls there are times I speak with him because I know he misses the sound of my voice but the voice and words have changed he can not push me back to where I once was ,I have taken my power back.

Still when he calls there is a twinge of fear then it disappears.He wants control back but there is something else some sort of loss for him like the last thread of all that was good in his life is leaving him.I do feel sorrow for this but I can not sacrifice what I have gained.I always called him now he knows he would not hear my voice unless he called.

He is deserving of what is in his life I am deserving of what is in mine .And finally peace comes I only wish him well but I can not go back to place that mask upon my face again.

MoonLight

[OR]

ML: N's come in different types, some at times are like fearful  lost little children, then they turn on you to suck the life out of your emotions leaving you empty. My ex would come back the next day like nothing upsetting had ever happen and I would let it go just to get through the day. Then he would be all sweet again just to turn around and do the same thing again.


Feed the positive and starve the negative
 
Your feeding :

( I have taken my power back.)[/quote

]

He is being starved:

My N dad still calls me.He has never done this before

.
some sort of loss for him like the last thread of all that was good in his life is leaving him

When N's want control they will NOT stop until they win... if they think your winning like an Army General they will will search for weakness to move in for the control they believe you may have.

N's believe they are deserving ......of everything grand and wonderful at the cost of everyone else.

I'm sorry that a mask no doubt one with tears was ever upon your face .
I wish that mask is now one with a smile. Wish him well so you can be at peace, his turmoil is deep so deep only prayers can change his stony heart. Move on and keep a safe distance until your strong again. 

He is deserving of what is in his life I am deserving of what is in mine .And finally peace comes I only wish him well but I can not go back to place that mask upon my face again.

Got to go Hope this makes sense ...OR