Where Things Stand... A Ramble

[gratitude28]

Hi all,
Not quite sure how to organize these thoughts, so if you don't mind, I will let it all tumble out...

Here is where my situation stands in regards to my family:

I still call my parents, but less frequently - once every two weeks or so. There is no point in talking to them more as we have the same exact conversation every time. And, really, I don't think they much care whether I call or not... My dad ususally says that his phone is running out of batteries before the end of the call and that he needs to go (he is just bored, I am sure). Even when I was there, they can't sit and chat with you, because they don't care about anything but their "stuff." And the conversation loses its lustre after the fifteenth, "Look at what I bought." They are on vacation now so they won't even remember I exist until that high wears off. Speaking of vacation, I think I told you, but before I went to visit (and flew 24 plus hours to do so with two samll kids) they went on vacation so that 1) my dad couldn't take off much time and 2) they wanted to take the kids to an amusement park but couldn't afford it. That was typical growing up. They would promise us something and then go do something for themselves and be unable to do whatever they promised. I saved them embarrassment and my kids disappointment by diverting the situation and saying we had to get on the plane the next day and it would be far to go and tiring. Because my kids are so awesome, they took it for face value. Also, I think they mostly expect people carry through on stuff since my husband and I do.

At any rate... the point to this ramble is to say, I am done. I feel emotionally detached from them and I am at the point where I could give a rat's ass what they feel or are pretending to feel. I am not going to waste my time trying to keep up the good girl image of being in contact. It is pointless. It is like expecting the plants outside to show happiness when you water them.

Sorry this post is all about me in a way... I just needed to get this out, as I kind of feel odd lately. Not relieved or glad to have made a decision or something. Just plain something... empty? Beyond caring? Kind of like Rhett at the end of Gone With the Wind?????

Thanks for listening.
Beth

[Stormchild]

I kind of feel odd lately. Not relieved or glad to have made a decision or something. Just plain something... empty? Beyond caring? Kind of like Rhett at the end of Gone With the Wind?????

Ready. Finished. It's understood, and you don't need to see or deal with any more of it - you 'get it', now, and you'll 'get it' for the rest of your life -- and it's time to get on with the rest of your life.

Beth, don't be too surprised that you don't feel like having a parade, it's often this way, kind of a -pop- instead of a **BANG!!!** when it all falls into place.

Psychiatrists talk about having to mourn for the pathology, when we give up people or groups that haven't been good for us... because even though they weren't good for us, they were there. They were part of our lives. Moving away from them is a loss, in a very real sense, even though it will be a huge gain in every other sense. Once we get past the mourning.

[gratitude28]

Thanks stormy. I think you are right, but I think it will take some time for me to accept everything, as you said.

The other thing that bothers me is that although I have had the validation from my sister, she doesn't want to look too deeply at the situation (yet?). She is dreadfully embarrassed by their house, knows their financial woes, finds them negative and mean. But I am guessing that if she looks at the situation square on, she will have to realize her part in it. For a while, she was really rotten to me. We both apologized about things. I don't hold anything against her. But I have the feeling she is not ready to deal with herself, if this makes any sense. Sometimes she wants to talk about them, and sometimes I have to be very careful about what I say to her, as she can start to make me feel I am making thisng worse than they are (I really don't... I stick to the facts, I mention acts, not feelings).

Stormy, thanks again. You always know the right thing to say and are always so wise.
Love, Beth

[Hopalong]

Dear Beth,
I can imagine you are feeling so drained that you are nearly numb.
Maybe that's a healing state...it sure can't be jumping for joy.

Just rest in this new strange stillness...have faith it will warm into peace.
You deserve it.

I am so sad to realize how selfish your parents are. It is truly their loss.
You are sensate, aware, conscious, thinking and evolving...and you will be for decades to come.

Rich life ahead, dear. I'm sorry this threshold was needed, but so full of respect that you stepped across it.

(And ditto about Stormy!)

((((Beth))))

Hops

[Certain Hope]

Dear Beth,

  That empty phase has often been a dangerous one for me, as I've tended to come out of it with a renewed energy to tackle the problem yet once again. I hope that as you're letting things settle, you'll also be able to fill that spot with positive, fruitful things, so that you don't get drawn back into the warp, as I have so many times.
  And it's ok any time to post just all about you... any time.

Love,
Hope

[teartracks]

Dear ((((((((((((((Beth))))))))))))))),

I am your fellow traveler.  I'm walking with you.

Healing doesn't follow a straight line.  You've left a part of you behind, the vulnerable you that never felt received.  The numbness you feel is protecting you now.  You will mourn, be angry, disappointed, resentful, irritated and that's OK.  You are gaining ground and what you gain, you won't lose.

teartracks

[Gaining Strength]

My heart is with you Gratitude.

I think we have to grieve the losses of having N parents over and over.  At so many stages of life we grieve what we are missing from parents who aren't able to give and who take instead.  No amount of understanding this will take away it's sting for me.   I'm trying to think of this is context to having lost a parent as my prescious child did.  As great a gap as that will be in his life I think it may be easier to overcome than a parent who is destructive as N parents are. 

A confession: I hope my child never knows this but I suspect his father was Borderline PD with N tendencies.  I didn't suspect this until afte he died but it explains so much about him.  He suffered terrible abandonment as a young child and he struggled with bulimia and alcoholism as an adult.  Bulimia is often comorbid with BPD.  He refused treatment but it didn't matter much, I could only find one place in the entire country who would take an adult male who was an alcoholic and a bulimic.  I think his bulimia caused his heart attack.

Sorry to ramble on your line Gratitude.  I am in a real rambling place today.  - Gaining Strength

[Overcomer]

It is like expecting the plants outside to show happiness when you water them.........................boy, is that a good analogy.  At least a dog wags it's tail or a cat rubs up against your leg!!!!!!!!!!!!  (Oh, well, forget the shamrock plant - it really does perk up when you water it.........)

The journey?  I think we are all on it.................some further ahead than others.  Maybe one step forward, two steps back???

I'm envious of you - that break from them.  I guess I kind of got a taste of it on Labor Day when another couple invited us over and I went there rather than endure another holiday with family..................so refreshing.

[penelope]

Hi beth,

It is good to hear you talk about you.  It is very calming to me.  You've reminded me that listening to others talk about themselves is something I've always enjoyed.. (when not filled with the incessent chatter of Ns!). 

I think we are close to the same place with our N parents.  Ever feel like the void's going to swallow you up?  I sometimes think this - not having the N parents around any longer, after having had them rule my life for so long..it was just Busy before.  Now, it's so quiet.  (It's a Good Empty, a Good Empty - I keep tell myself).

hugs Beth,

p. bean

[gratitude28]

Hi bean,
I know, I get the sense a lot that we are the same place and also that we share a lot of the same story. This empty is a lot better than the empty I had as a teen and in my 20s. My empty then was a longing... for something and I never knew what. Voices, music, laughter all made me sad. And while in college, I always had this homesick feeling, but I never knew what it was for... because it certainly wasn't for my home and family.

GS, Your struggle with your child's father is sad. What an unhappy person he must have been. And unable to get help. Poor thing. Both of you. Maybe when your child gets older you can explain some of it to him? I tell my kids that I made the choice not to drink, that it is not good for ME and that some people's bodies make them want to drink more than they should, etc. I also tell them that if they ever feel very sad or can't stop doing something that they need to get help. I don't want them ever to be shameful of seeking out help!!!! I was and had to go to despair and back to decide I wanted to change my life.

Thanks Kelly, TT, CH, Hops, stormy, for listening.
Love, Beth

[Gaining Strength]

It is like expecting the plants outside to show happiness when you water them.

That's clever - I love it
GS

[Stormchild]

Healing doesn't follow a straight line.  ... You will mourn, be angry, disappointed, resentful, irritated and that's OK.  You are gaining ground...

Beth, tracks' description here is tremendously perceptive - and fits what might be going on with your sister, too. She may be more tightly bound to your parents, if she's been dependent on them, or was ever allied with them against you [even if all it was, was listening to them speak against you maliciously]. There will be guilt there and a fearing of loss. It may take time. You seem to be dealing with it much more capably than I probably would - more power to you.

hang in there.

[gratitude28]

Yes, stormy, she was very bound to them and did side against me for ages. She also became very narcissitic for a while. I was not a merry ray of sunshine to be with either, I am sure. Like I said, we apologized to each other and talked a bit. It will definitely take time. I have always liked and respected her, and I can't really blame her for how things are. My mother orchestrated it all. And I often think that my sister is not very happy. I have fallen to my depths and crawled back up and have gratitude, but she hasn't found any of that yet.
Yes, tt, I do need to thank you for the words that storm highlighted here. They have actually been in my mind since I first read them. They are very wise and I know you understand grief and its stages.
Love to you all,
Beth

[Certain Hope]

((((((Pb)))))) Yes, it is a "good empty" indeed. A very good empty.


((((((((Beth)))))))

(((((((Tt)))))))

Love,
Hope

[tavia]

Hi Beth,

I read your posting, and I empathise with you - my dad is a N and I've had it again and again with him too..

I am reading "Bad Childhood, Good Life" by Dr Laura and it is really good. She teaches one to let go of irresponsible parents and to get on with our lives.. maybe you can take a look at it.

I guess at the end of the day, we cannot choose our own parents but we can certainly choose the lives we want to live and be the parents our children can respect and love..

Hugs, tavia