RM's Insight...the way to survive this message board

[reallyME]

I was just reading some posts on here this morning because my daughter came in my bed last night and now I can't get back to sleep.  I have a pain in my jaw (tmj) and not feeling the greatest, so I thought I'd post a bit here.

When I first came to this board, I was not met with open arms.  I am very strong about what I know is truth, and it tends to offend others who have a belief in what "your truth" "my truth" "their truth" is, rather than knowing there is only ONE TRUTH.  Therefore, I caught flack immediately, when I stated that there are devils and I have cast them out of people and had them cast out of myself...that automatically hit the panic button with some, the anger button with others, and caused me to almost leave this group.

What I discovered over the months, is that a surefire way to be able to survive and stay on this message board, is that no matter what you say, be sure you are addressing an issue in your OWN life, and not an issue about someone on this board.  People who came here, did so BECAUSE of being abused, neglected, rejected.  If someone comes here and begins doing to others, what they have already had done to them, of course many will become offended and lash out or leave here.  It is kind of a "duh! I should have known" type of moment for me.


Ever since I "toned-down" my posts, but staying away from things that could scare or upset people, I have been able to be heard, no matter what I say.  I feel very accomplished in this and accepted, and that is a good feeling.

The other way to survive Voicelessness Message Board, is BE VULNERABLE.  I began sharing my feelings, my struggles, my concerns, and was met with much support.  This is not a good place for people to come, who think they have it "all together" even if they MIGHT have a lot of things in order, to survive here, you need to show vulnerability, real-ness, honesty...if not, people here, who were raised by N's, can SEE RIGHT THROUGH any facades, masks, etc.

One thing I have learned...N's are very INTELLIGENT, DISCERNING people a lot of the times...they HAD to be, to dodge the next hit, to come up with a strategy of escape or counterattack against their abusers.  They are always prepared and cunning.  Children of N's have learned to be prepared for whatever comes to an extent...it is very hard to deceive these types of people...the people on this very list.  So, be REAL and SHOW YOUR IMPERFECTIONS and you will MAKE it here.

No phoney baloney allowed.

~Laura

[reallyME]

just to clarify, when I said people can only speak about things concerning themselves, I meant that they need to stick with topics about their own families, friends, and not address people directly about THEIR issues...people from this board I meant.  As you said, many people here, are not ready to set boundaries or not take things personally.  That is what I was getting at.

[WRITE]

many people here, are not ready to set boundaries or not take things personally

Though the Board often goes off to other topics the broad purpose is reflecting the effects of npd and neglectful upbringing so people became 'voiceless'. Living with Nism is a special voicelessness because the victimisation is subtle and unperceived by others so often. It can be crazy-making to find you're in a relationship with someone who only abuses you & whose behaviour shifts from wonderful to unbelievable and back again with no adaptation or responsiveness to you.

Most people are hyperviilent after living with Nism, never quite sure if something is meant to be picked up on or not but also highly sensitised to other people's words and behaviour; never sure about the reliability of people's reactions; and especially determined not to become enmeshed with another game-player.

a surefire way to be able to survive and stay on this message board, is that no matter what you say, be sure you are addressing an issue in your OWN life, and not an issue about someone on this board.

I have found the things people share invaluable for filling in the gaps in my upbringing and marriages and knowledge. If I feel a strong reaction to someone these days I am finding mostly it's not about me though- my instincts are sliding into place.

Someone was hostile at work yesterday, the only person in the whole building who has been ( after I had been told to expect strong resistance! ) so I went and asked to be introduced later to find it wasn't personal againt me, she was the woman temporarily in charge through a bad time and about to be replaced by another appointed super-manager. Now I could see from her attitude and demeanour that was probably a good thing but I could also see her sense of failure and rejection and I will try to be extra kind to her even though she's kind-of unreceptive right now. I can live with a few words of rejection better than she can- thanks to the time I spent here actually!

One of my senior choir ladies has tmj RM, she found her dentist more help than the doctor. She takes low dose painkiller and uses a heating pad. It seems to come and go, and I'm hoping she doesn't have to give up singing because of it, but talking and singing do seem to make it worse.  Hope you feel better soon.

[reallyME]

Write:

Most people are hyperviilent after living with Nism, never quite sure if something is meant to be picked up on or not but also highly sensitised to other people's words and behaviour; never sure about the reliability of people's reactions; and especially determined not to become enmeshed with another game-player.

This is so true and accurate, Write!

Thank you for your well-wishes about the tmj.  Usually I get pain right before my monthly, which was the case this time too.  I took 4 ibuprofen and the edge of the pain seems to have been taken off for now.

Blessya

~Laura

[reallyME]

awww thank you.  what a kind thing to say

yes the tmj is caused by stress at times for me, but this time it's caused from swimming and concentrating on having to hold my breath in between,etc and I think I sense a touch of asthma too, cause when my face was under the water and I was listening to my breaths, I heard a wheeze after I exhaled.  I used my inhaler after class, so I'm ok though.  i've had tmj all my life.  I sleep with a guard in my mouth at night which helps.  I use ibuprofen if it gets real bad.  I try not to talk too much and I pace my singing.

~Laura

[WRITE]

yes the tmj is caused by stress at times

I just popped back to ask about this, I remember reading something ( it may have been in the field of yoga or ayurveda ) which was basically a list or body ailments related to emotional etc issues. Does anyone know what I mean?

[moonlight52]

Laura ,

 I love your bright strong knowingness and your kind soft side beautiful combination I must say.
But you knew that from the beginning.

Well it is true as children of n's we may take offense when none is meant.

I do hope your tmj is getting better.
Laura my youngest d has asthma .Do you have to use your inhaler much.
Is your asthma triggered by the seasons and do you think you have allergy's?
This asthma stuff is hard to control .

Hey girl all my love to ya,
moon

[reallyME]

Hi moon.  Yes the asthma is triggered seasonally I think, but also from breathing so concentratedly during swim class.

[gratitude28]

Laura,
I really liked this post. It shows how much you are growing and learning. I also know that youhave your strong beliefs. And I am glad to see that you understand that this is not the place to try to enforce them. I have strong political beliefs, but, to tell you the truth, I mostly don't share them with others. I do feel I am right, but I have the feeling that the way to show others what is right is by doing what I feel is right... people seem to shrink back when you TELL them what is right... OK, enough soapbox stuff.
At any rate, it has also been very nice to see the vuknerable side of you. I went through such a long and difficult period of thinking I had to show everyone how capable and strong I was... to the point that I had to get wto where I NEEDED help. I don't always ask for help even now... I prefer to struggle alone sometimes, which is dumb, because I don't handle things at all well by myself (and that's where God, or my Higher Power comes in too... I have to trust when I am trying to handle too much). At any rate, I think those of us who came from difficult backgrounds have tried so long to "make things right" or tomake things LOOK right, that it is hard to admit weakness.
You are a helpful member Laura. Thank you for your input and for being willing to share your growth.
Love, Beth

[reallyME]

Thanks Beth

[penelope]

hi Laura,

Your post made me smile.  Everything moon said, I mean "ditto."

 

bean

[Plucky]

Hi Really Laura,
I just now read this.    I have to say I have seen an enormous shift and growth and increase in awareness from you since you first came up here.  I also personally changed as a result of your presence.  At one point, I was just thinking that I wish you would go away.    Eventually I realised that that was completely wrong, for lots of reasons, and this realisation was a big growth spurt for me.  So thank you for providing me with an opportunity to grow as well.
Plucky

[reallyME]

Awwww Plucky!  That was a sweet thing to say to me.  I thank you.

When I first came here, because I have overcome a lot of things and really think pretty rationally about things, I had an attitude of having "arrived."

Now that I've been here a while, I can honestly say, "I'm glad I haven't gotten there ahead of everyone and am learning right along with ya'll."

[gratitude28]

Thanks Laura!!!!!!
It's nice to read your messages and see you are doing well!!!
I remember when I got to AA and thought I had all the answers... now I see the newcomers who are in the same boat! Of course, even as a newcomer, it's nice to feel you have all the answers... and to have the hope of growth.
I know I can't compare my drinking with what you have been through...
((((((((Laura)))))))))

[Hopalong]

((((((((RM)))))))

In using a powerful voice with new humility
In being open when it's easier to stay closed
In trying when it's easier to give up
In staying when it's easier to run
In learning when it's easier to close your mind

You have earned my respect.
(You've always had my affection.)

Hops