Mornings and nights are the most difficult.
Hard to get out of bed - For the first time in my life I understand why - pain to great, too hard to face world when every single action meets with derision. Hard to go to bed when waking will follow and when all dreams are shame filled. Now that I have named what I am experiencing I can open up to healing. In the morning, I lay there searching my bein for the point of greatest pain and then I open it up to healing. As I did that this morning it was like a deck of cards, each card holding a differnt shaming experience,being fanned quickly and as each card passed the weight of that shame hit me. So this healing process is like being hit with th full force of the confabulation of a hundred years of shame almost all at once. The pain of it would be unbearable if it were not the path to healing. This experience makes it very clear why such pain is suppressed. It is simply unbearable. But like some wretched medicines, the healing requires great suffering before the wholeness. I think of (though I have not experienced) the nightmare of chemo which causes such pain and deformation before the healing is achieved. And like chemo, a faith in healing helps towards the cure. So I am willing to open myself up to this wretchedness because I do believe and I have seen the outcome ahead, a truly free life.
I am so glad to be able to come here and say outloud that, "I am in so much pain." Just the saying of it is like an analgesic. Just th freedom to say it again, "My pain is unbearable." and to know that someone here will undersand and will not turn their back on me because I hurt. The rejection I have experienced for being in pain has been another huge source of pain in itself. It has also been a barrier to healing.
I have said before and received comforting agreement, Validation has opened the path for healing and Voicelessness has been my source of validation. Just that stuff by Chris2 on Desription of N mother has changed my life. I can jump up and down and hold those descriptions up and shout, "I am not alone!!! I am not a liar!!! Others know what this is and they all know what it is to not be believed!!!!"
The more I write the more I am able to extricate myself from the snares of shame. I continue to aim my laser at the darkness opening up paths of light. I have enormous hope and I am overcoming the fear and the shame, incrementally each day, each hour. I write this to make it real, to remind myself, to reassure myself, to build my conidence.
Goodbye for now - I take your encouragement with me and I send back to you support and love.
As always - Gaining Strength
