Don't know what to say

[Gaining Strength]

dragonsamm-

I hear you, I am just crawling out of a place that fits your description.  Time and time again, over the past five years I have had hope only to fall flat.  I isolated and then out of encouragement from my T and psychiatrist made an effort to get out only to get my head chopped off.  But this time I am on fairly solid ground.  I was right to isolate.  I had to work things out myself and open up to find healing in my own way.  One thing that came to me was Wayne Dyar's book, "The Power of Intention."  It gave me what I needed.  I needed to understand why hope was good but how I had unwittingling sabotaged my hope. 

His book may not be what you need but I encourage you to hold on to "survival."  I had to be there a long time and I am thankful that I could do it.  If I hadn't had a little child who had just lost his father I am not sure I would have endured "survival."  While there, I encourage you to open your heart to receive your healing _____.  When my heart was opened I found a couple of books that helped and then I found this place. 

Survival can be good.  Hold on the best you can and let some of us hold you up while you flail around trying to get your footing.  Let your toxic attitude out here.  We can just walk away from it without taking it on.  But definitely let it out of you.  Don't hold on to that poison. 

Glad you are here - Gaining Strength

[Hops]

Hi Dragonn,
You've been through hell. Now comes the "and back" part.

I'd encourage you to recognize that yes, you may have confused hope and fantasy and expectation. Here's how I'd define them:

Hope is choosing an attitude of openness to the possibility of UNKNOWN good things coming.

Fantasy is distracting yourself from the power of the present moment with scripts for one (since whoever's or whatever's in them won't materialize just because you think about them), when you could be taking ACTIONS (not just thoughts or persistent daydreams) to ease your mind and body and change your direction. Small ones count. (1' X 1' squares!  )

Expectation is thinking you can force fantasy on reality.

Is it possible you haven't really been hoping, hon?

A book I'd suggest for you (I interviewed the author once and he impressed me a lot) is Learned Optimism, by Martin Seligman.

Hugs,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Okay, Dragonsamm,

You are in my thoughts.  I identify with so much that you write; with having been hopeful far too many times in the past to risk being hopeful again, with being in dispair ,on the edges of financial disaster.  I want to reach you.  It's as though in reaching you, I am reaching through you into myself.

I see that you are fed up with HOPE.  I see that you are looking for ANY reason to kindle a spark of hope.  I see people throwing you a lifeline to kindle that spark but in your pain and despair you are flailing around and almost taking the lifesaver down with you.  In order for you to be rescued, you must accept the gift. 

OK, I've sufficiently mixed enough metaphors to sink a drowning swimmer.  Let me try to untangle myself.

One of the first things taught in Red Cross lifesaving is to not let a drowning person take you under.  The easiest person to save is someone who does not fight.  Why in the world would anyone drowning fight the rescuer?  FEAR!  Fear is the great enemy!  In some ways it is THE enemy. 

Would you be willing to work on overcoming fear?  This would not even require you to have hope except maybe the hope of ovecoming fear. 

Back to my mixed metaphor.  Re: "accepting the gift."  My NPD father was not a bad gift giver, but he absolutely could not receive a gift.  Even as a young child this left me in agony.  Only in recent years have I understood that at Christmas and his birthday I felt so incredibly inadequate.  I wanted desparately to give something to him that would please him.  Don't we all want people we love to ACCEPT and be pleased with our gifts. It is empoweing to have our gifts received.  We feel connected and belonging and supported and all those good things. 

When I have my little stories about life with my Ns received, acknowledged and identified with, my life begins to change.  This place has really changed my life in just a few weeks.  Having my little stories listened to, rather than put down as they have been my entire life, is transforming.  Your posts give someting to me.  They echo my own despair and fear and agony.  When I read your posts, I think, "There is someone else who knows.  There is someone else who will be able o really hear me and believe me."  And I am so very thankful.  Now I want to give back to you - Won't you please take my gift?  I'm not asking you to give up your dispair. I'm not asking you to have hope again.  I am just asking you to consider letting go of fear.  Will you try that?

Come on - at least think about it.  Think about looking at my gift.  Think about trying it out.  It's not as risky as Hoping.   

Let me know - I really do care.  I'll stand with you and hold your fear.  This is not a sacrificial offer.  Each time I stand with another sufferer I am strengthened.

Your friend - Gaining Strength