Fears (Adding to Moon's Topic)

[Certain Hope]

Dear Brigid,


Have you ever felt like you just wanted to crawl out of your skin because you can't get comfortable with the way things are?

Yes. Do you know what makes me feel that way?

Feeling like my entire future hinges on what a man I love may choose to do, my life in his hands.

This has got to be about you, and although that may seem like the scariest thing of all, it's the best and greatest ...opportunity....
 to choose ... for whom are you going to live?

You can do this, Brigid.

Love,
Hope

P.S.  Tt is right.

3 And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; 4 and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; 5 and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.  Romans 5

 

[Brigid]

Dear Hope,

Feeling like my entire future hinges on what a man I love may choose to do, my life in his hands.

This has got to be about you, and although that may seem like the scariest thing of all, it's the best and greatest ...opportunity....
 to choose ... for whom are you going to live?

Oh, trust me, I pragmatically know this.  I know I have turned over way too much power to him and how he wishes to proceed.  We have talked about it several times.  I have also made it very clear that I will not hang around indefinitely and have given him 6 months to figure it out.  I'm not sure if he really believes that I will pick up and move away, but he does get a little panicky when I talk about it.  So I am trying to maintain some control, while also trying to be sensitive to his need to get comfortable with giving up his independence, which he has had for the last 7 years.

I do have the advantage of receiving my monthly maintenance no matter where I am and it is plenty for me to live on, so I could move anywhere and take my time finding a job, home, etc.  Somehow starting over in a whole new place is not scary to me.  It seems like a chance to find and discover so many new things.

TT,
Realistically, it will probably be at least a year before I could make any major changes since I would have to sell the house, figure out where I might want to go, etc.; and my daughter will be living with me next summer, I'm sure.

Many thanks for all the support and advice.  It can be a lot easier to talk about this here than in real life.

Hugs,

Brigid 

[teartracks]

Portia,

 

  Who is the strong man?  

Anarchy Definition

Absence of any form of political authority.
Political disorder and confusion.
Absence of any cohesive principle, such as a common standard or purpose.

Where arnachy reigns, generically speaking, the person who has the most power that day, hour, minute is the strong man.
 
I pray against the devil who strong arms God's people.

teartracks

[ANewSheriff]

Brigid:

I feel as though I'm not allowed to show weakness, because that would be a character flaw, so I hide it behind a mask of everything being fine.  Maybe the real fear is of others knowing how afraid I really am.

I so relate to this.  Really, I do.  I got so flattened this past couple of years.  I had no clue where to turn because I have always been the cheerleader and sounding board.  I was just so distraught I finally had to turn to the people I have always cheerleaded for.  They were all wide-eyed and visibly shaken by this new, very vulnerable, and directionless me.  Very simply, they did not know how to respond or what to say or do and they all said that.  I kept hearing, "I have never seen you like this."

Do you know what?  I apologized to these people.  I apologized for not being more honest about my fears and hurts and for not allowing them the reciprocal nature of a true friendship/relationship.  And, you know what?  Most of them were there for me - it wasn't pretty and neat and perfect, but they were there - a card in the mail here, a phone call there, an ear if I called to check in.  It wasn't perfect because I was sort of "new" and these (many very long-term) individuals had muck through an unexpected role reversal.

Brigid, I do not know the specifics of your relationships, but I can almost feel your pain right now.  Can I ask you?  What do you think would happen if you took off this mask you speak of?  What if you gave voice to your fear?  What would happen if you let someone else carry you for awhile?  If somebody showed up, would you let this happen?  I hope so.  You need the rest.

(((((((((((Brigid)))))))))))

ANewSheriff

[Plucky]

Hi Brigid,
thanks for that explanation.  It made the whole thing seem less threatening and amorphous to me (easy for me to say!).  You have been through several loss experiences, and I can see how that would make you gun-shy about losing anything else or making any mistakes about your next commitment.

You have a number of really nice things going for you.  You don't have to worry about money, you have a good year before really needing to decide on the rest of your life, you have friends, you play golf, your daughter is coming next summer, and you can move anywhere in the world and do anything you want!

What would you do if the bf were not around?  I think it is key to figure this out.  That way, whatever you decide, you will know exactly what you are choosing between if you give up something to be with him.  Think wide!  Other countries, desert islands, law school, filmmaking, hand modeling, whatever!  Just go hog wild!  It's only ideas at this point!  Brainstorm!

Maybe the feeling of not being able to choose freely is making you feel bad?    So allow yourself to choose freely,  without the constrraint of the relationship.    Then your choice wil be that much more informed.

There is nothing wrong with giving up things for a relationship, as long as you know what you are giving up and the choice is made freely.  It almost sounds like he needs to make the decision, and you need to wait for him to make it.    That would bother anyone, I think.   Try to take that back and put yourself in the driver's seat, at least for your own life.  Let him decide for him, you decide for you.  Otherwise, you have one brain thinking for two people.

I was going to suggest that you volunteer somewhere.  Helping others is always a good thing for onesself.  But you already have that going too!

Having blathered on, maybe I am all off base.  I have not been in your position, except for having been in the role of letting the other person decide about the relationship while I sit there like an overripe tomato waiting to be picked off the vine.   Anyway, if I am all wring, forgive me and ignore me.
Plucky

[Brigid]

ANS,

What do you think would happen if you took off this mask you speak of?  What if you gave voice to your fear?  What would happen if you let someone else carry you for awhile?  If somebody showed up, would you let this happen?

These are very good questions and I don't know the answers.  I certainly lost the mask 3 years ago when my xh left and I went into a serious state of depression; and while my friends rallied around and supported me, what I mostly heard was "you are a strong woman and you will get through this."  I did get through that very difficult period and started life over with many changes in place. 

The pain I have now is very different from then.  I think much of it is that I don't like being completely alone.  I can't remember the last time that was the case, but I know I've never dealt well with that situation.  Maybe it goes back to my childhood when I was an only child for ten years and felt very isolated and wished for a sibling all those years.  Many of my friends are already empty-nesters, so they do understand the pain of that, but they all had spouses left at home to provide support, or at the very least, another warm body in the house at night, so it is not quite the same.

Maybe this is just an adjustment period and as time goes on and I get involved in new things, I will eventually lose this feeling of coming apart inside.  I just really don't know.

Plucky,

You have a number of really nice things going for you.  You don't have to worry about money, you have a good year before really needing to decide on the rest of your life, you have friends, you play golf, your daughter is coming next summer, and you can move anywhere in the world and do anything you want!

You are so right and I feel stupid for complaining because I do have so many luxuries that others do not.  Maybe part of the problem is having so many options, and finding making a decision totally overwhelming. 

Maybe the feeling of not being able to choose freely is making you feel bad?    So allow yourself to choose freely,  without the constrraint of the relationship.    Then your choice wil be that much more informed.

I think this is certainly a big part of the problem.  I feel that the choice is out of my control.  My reaction to things being out of control is to make a change so they are back within my control.  What I struggle with is that the relationship is so special to me, we are so good for one another and happy together.  I know I can't control the choices he makes regarding our relationship.  I can only control how I will react to the situation.  As I mentioned in an earlier post, I have given him 6 months to decide which is more important--me or his independence.  At our age, if you can't decide in nearly 2 years time if someone is right for you, you never will.  So, I think it is fair for both of us to work within that time frame.

I really appreciate being able to talk about this here.  I am already feeling somewhat more peaceful by just getting it all out and have others put it in perspective.  Thank you for your responses and advice.  As I said before, this is a major adjustment period and I need to be patient with letting things unfold and not panic about making changes in the short term.  Patience is a virtue that I do not have a large store of, so this is an opportunity for me to develop that within myself.

Blessings,

Brigid


 

[mum]

I just checked in...and I feel akin to everyone in flux, as that is what my whole life is now. So many unanswered questions, so hard to even identify what we want, never mind create it for ourselves, huh? My tendency is to know exactly what I DON'T want and it's harder to find out what I DO want. (but I know the only way to create it is to know what it is!)

I always thought I would write a book and call it: "How Not Giving a S*** Saved My Life"

Its sounds crass, but there have been so many times when I thought: "wait a minute. What if I didn't care about XYZ?" And I could conjure up a feeling of being totally ok with things. It's like a moment of detachment. Now that I know about how "attachment equals suffering" (think about it...it does)....I can contemplate moments of not being attached and find a little tiny second of emotional freedom for myself. I work hard at expanding that sense of relief everyday....

The trick is: How to keep a goal in mind and work toward it....and also NOT care if you get it and just have faith that if you do, it's for the best and if you don't, it's going to be ok too because something else wonderful (not horrible) will happen on this really cool adventure?

Still working on said trick, but I swear the answer is in there somewhere......(faith?)

[Plucky]

Hi Brigid,
I am SO sorry for causing you to feel guilty about your so-called complaining.  You are not complaining, you are trying to address some very uncomfortable feelings you have.  That is a very good thing,and the last thinkg on earth I or anyone else wants is to shut you down.    I just was trying to point out good things to focus on, to reduce your worries.  I suppose that was not the best way to go about it.  Anyway, you know this, right?

(Disclaimer) Also, I am not a relationship expert.  (Unsolicited advice) I would just like to point out that having the sole responsibility of deciding on the outcome of the relationship is probably not a good thing for your bf to have, for him or for you.   He might feel that your future rides on his answer.  How about putting together an exciting future you can have with or without him?

Plucky

[Brigid]

Plucky,

I am SO sorry for causing you to feel guilty about your so-called complaining.

No worries.  I guess I was feeling more silly than guilty, but everything you said is true and I more than recognize that.  It certainly makes more sense and is healthier to concentrate on what is good about my life as opposed to wallowing in the negatives, but once in awhile the wave comes over you and you need to get it out.  I know you recognize that and have dealt with it too.  We all have, and that is why we come here to find support.

Also, I am not a relationship expert.

Me neither, but I've been known to play one on TV.

I would just like to point out that having the sole responsibility of deciding on the outcome of the relationship is probably not a good thing for your bf to have, for him or for you.

I would agree, but I don't know that it is all that unusual.  The two people in many dating relationships do not reach the point of wanting to commit at the same time.  I think generally women get to that point sooner than men, but it can certainly go the other way as well.  How long one party is willing to wait for the other party to catch up is really more the issue.

How about putting together an exciting future you can have with or without him?

I think at some level I am doing that.  In my case, though, the alternate scenario is pretty drastically different from the one where the two of us ride into the sunset, so it will require a lot of planning and determination on my part.  In my heart of hearts, I do believe that when push comes to shove, he will "choose me, pick me," to quote Meredith from Grey's Anatomy, because our relationship is so good.  But if not, it will be his loss and I will go in search of greener pastures (and a new Harley driver).

Thank you for talking this through with me.  It really does help.

Hugs,

Brigid

[gratitude28]

I'm thrilled this became a discussion... I was just trying to get it started simply!!!

(((((((((((((((((((((all))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So much here... need some time to read it all again.

[Hopalong]

Thank you for this brave thread.
I am not brave enough to read it all or post my fears.

I am anxiety prone and know that if I list them, I will rouse them.
I've had a little while without anxiety now...and need to stay there....

But I am awed by this brave thread.

Hops

[ANewSheriff]

Brigid:

Maybe it goes back to my childhood when I was an only child for ten years and felt very isolated and wished for a sibling all those years.

This hit me, Brigid.  This could be big.  Not sure, but am glad you are willing to explore it. 

I just really feel for you.  It is the most maddening thing to be so hopelessly limited in how I can respond.  I wish I could bring over my Deluxe Scrabble game and distract you for an evening.  Hey!  How about some movie therapy?  When is the last time you went out and saw a good comedy?  This change is going to be tough - no doubt - maybe to survive this you will just have to occasionally escape the silence of home.

(((((((((((((((Brigid)))))))))))))))))))     

mum:

I always thought I would write a book and call it: "How Not Giving a S*** Saved My Life"

You crack me up!  Honestly, that is hilarious.  And, I so relate.  I have been considering for some time that perhaps one of my greatest problems in this life has been giving too much of a s***.  Now, that I am just so completely spent, I really could care less.  I am finding some freedom in that.  Kind of sad, but I feel lighter.  I am sure more will be revealed.

Hops:

But I am awed by this brave thread.

Absolutely!  I agree.

ANS

[Plucky]

Quote
How about putting together an exciting future you can have with or without him?

I think at some level I am doing that.  In my case, though, the alternate scenario is pretty drastically different from the one where the two of us ride into the sunset, so it will require a lot of planning and determination on my part.

Hi Brigid,
I think there is something to mull over in this.  If he says yes, you will have to give up a very different dream.   How come the lives you want with and without him are so different?

Plucky

[Hopalong]

I want to scream that my patience has run out.

Brigid, hon,
This may sound a bit odd (well, we know I am)...but I think that's an excellent idea. Your inner self is screaming for something. I think proper perfect marathon-responsible Brigid is ready for Brigid's Excellent Adventure. And I think it's not a scream building up, but a roar.

There are some screams, you know, that aren't from tortured beings. Sometimes a person can just need to let out a nice scream or roar (a scroar?)  into the ocean or woods or a pillow and let loose some frustration. It's like a blockage, that frustration. But beneath it is a GOOD force building up ... the streams of you that haven't had space to flow, new currents coming up.

I know it's hard, (I should talk), but try not to be afraid of unaccustomed feelings and fears. You will not die from them. Scream when you need to! That's not a crime. (Think how many you must have suppressed during PTA meetings?  )

I love love love Plucky's suggestion of a women's group that includes vibrant older women. I have been in these...and I can't even verbalize how enormously encouraging and helpful they were.

(((((((((Brigid))))))), it will get better and what's more, it will get interesting!

love and courage to you,
Hops

[Brigid]

Plucky, ANS, & Hoppy,

I just came back here and saw that I am still being supported and guided through this situation.  That is so awesome and very kind.

I wish I could bring over my Deluxe Scrabble game and distract you for an evening.

ANS - That is very sweet.  It will start to get better soon as my favorite sport of curling will be starting up and keeping me busy most evenings when I'm not with my b/f. 

 

How come the lives you want with and without him are so different?

If we end up together, I will stay in this city as he has a business here which he has had for over 30 years.  We would probably sell or rent his house and live in mine as it is larger and closer to his business.  He also wants me to work with him, which I am unwilling to do unless there is a long-term commitment.

If we don't end up together, I most likely will move to a completely different part of the country and start life over.  There is just no other good reason to remain here beyond next summer.  I don't know that this would be a dream of mine, just an alternative and a way to get beyond another failed relationship (which would be the case if this alternative were realized).

I know it's hard, (I should talk), but try not to be afraid of unaccustomed feelings and fears. You will not die from them. Scream when you need to!

I am trying to not be afraid.  It gets a little easier each day as I grow more accustomed to my changed environment.  I spent a good part of yesterday making up my resume and it gave me some confidence to actually write down all that I have accomplished over the last 10-20 years (including that PTA leadership, which did often require a good deal of patience).

I really am feeling better by the day and as my daughter continues to be happy in her new environment, it certainly makes it easier for me to adjust.  Finding new routines, activities, job potentials, and support all make this time of life doable.  I need to regain some confidence that life is going to improve and provide me with opportunties which previously would not have been possible when dealing with children on a day in and day out basis.

I hope you all are having a lovely weekend.

Brigid