Feeling vulnerable

[WRITE]

I am exhausted today, but tonight suddenly I came over all vulnerable. I want to cry myself to sleep, but I don't really have anything to cry about. Life is better than ever in so many ways.

My son and I had a pleasant evening, we've been on a bike-dog-walk then I just cooked bacon sandwiches for his supper, the house smells so cosy. He's tucked up in bed now.

My ex was chatting up a ( safe-married practice ) lady when I called into his office earlier! he saw the therapist yesterday and never even mentioned it ( again )  He's really doing well and I know he'll move on now, the signs are there and as he's warned me- his lack of empathy plus the fact we're not good for each other overall will probably mean he'll go from my life as a friend too.

I told the guy I have a crush on I won't be dating until after my divorce, and another friend who is much closer to me emotionally ( but not been heading towards romance until one day he took my hand ) the same. That's not going to be over until March 2007, 7 more months.

My latest career is soaring- everywhere I go leads to more work and is also branching off in a developing capacity as mentor and staff trainer. There are a few more habits I am working on changing, one at a time. My relationships feel in balance. Even my sore shoulder is easing up.

So why do I want to curl up in bed and cry? Stupid really-
 I saw a young man and woman kiss earlier, a really beautiful gentle kiss. It was so pretty it was hard not to stare, but it hit me right away- I'll never be that carefree pretty young girl again. This morning a phrase came to me: what is the secret sorrow of your hidden heart? Maybe I heard it on the radio or something, but it's been in the back of my mind all day.

I guess mine is that I always put off my youth and took on things far beyond my years, and responsibility that wasn't mine, but underneath I believed my carefree time was all just on hold and I'd be able to go back, be the me I was meant to be if everything had worked out.

And- the deepest fear- I am so lonely in the secret sorrow of my hidden heart not wanting to even say this- that I will regret never getting to be the pretty young girl being kissed more than I am thankful for all the other stuff which came out of the past 40 years.

Because now I am the me I was meant to be- or closest I've been to it- and what if I'm not enough?

[gratitude28]

ah write,
You hit me below the belt. I am and have been there a lot lately. I am not old... 36... but I am not young and beautiful. And, the truth is, I spent all of my youthful beauty as jac described, taking pictures of myself, looking at them and deciding I was fat and ugly. Now I look at them and I am so wistful... I was very pretty. I always caught the eye of any guy I wanted. And, honestly, I broke hearts and never had mine broken.
I think the harder one for me even is that I will never be pregnant again. I liked so much about being pregnant. My husband decided he had two perfect kids and was done and went and got a vasectomey (we discussed it briefly, but he really threw it at me bfore I was ready). I was very sad about that for a long time and hoped it wouldn't work and that I would somehow end up pregnant again.
write, I completely understand you. I don't have words of wisdom, just empathy.
Love, Beth

[moonlight52]

Write ,

You are so much more than enough.
There are times I have  read what you have written and you have touched a part of my soul that I did not know was there.
You know just the right words.And your honesty your incredible honesty well the beauty of your spirit is so lovely and gentle.

Maybe it is that things are changing I know when I am turning a corner I feel vulnerable.
But who would trade not having the capacity to feel for the depth of your heart.
Making room for the new for what is soooooooooooo better to come but still we look back. I do too............................

sweet dreams
moon

[penelope]

hi write,

you are describing some feelings of regret...we all have those.  Does it feel good to cry?  Sometimes if it's been a long time, I am thankful for these tears as it's a relief to me to feel sadness.   I don't know why..

I wonder if there is a person out there who doesn't regret?  Nah. 

hugs,
p bean

[Gaining Strength]

what if I'm not enough?

That's it.  That's the fear!!

I never was enough before - not in any capacity.  I woke this morning, as EVERY morning of my life, with some dread fear, some unknown, unfathomable fear.  And you have named it.

My work is set out - I must disavow that fear, extricate myself from it.  Thank you WRITE, you have named my paralysis, you have named the hideousness of my life. Now I can do something about it. - GS

[WRITE]

Thank you so much Beth / Moon/ Bean / Gaining Strength.

Just your words made me cry and released some of the tension.

I also took an antihistamine last night- I know I've been sleeping less ie not enough lately. It says in Desiderata: many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

And the loneliness- that we will do almost anything to not face...

I feel like I just arrived at a banqueting hall and there's no one here but me wandering around with a sandwich...!

[Certain Hope]

Dear Write,

  This caught me up:  I saw a young man and woman kiss earlier, a really beautiful gentle kiss. It was so pretty it was hard not to stare, but it hit me right away- I'll never be that carefree pretty young girl again.

Is there really any truth in the concept "carefree" or is it simply a fantasy?
(Disclaimer: I believe in a care-free life in Christ.) 

In reference to youth though, isn't it mere ignorance which gives the illusion of being carefree? This often goes hand in hand with illusions of immortality and omnipotence, as I recall. Would you really want those non-reality based qualities present in your life?  I'm not sure that they can be present without ruling, and that's a very dangerous state of mind indeed, I think.

I have assurance in the existence of a sweet, gentle, romantic love even at 40-something. This is not based in fantasy, but in the wonderful knowing ... that of all the times that went before, this is the most real of all. I believe that you can have that as well.

Much love,
Hope

[WRITE]

Is there really any truth in the concept "carefree" or is it simply a fantasy?
(Disclaimer: I believe in a care-free life in Christ.) 

well my brand of Christianity isn't yours but I do believe I am doing the right things in following Christ's example as much as I can and I do know that G_d is always in balance, it's me who fluctuates!

But the carefree really refers to youth- the inexperience and lack of knowledge I suppose...I know I can never go back to that. So that is ignorance in one sense.

But it is a stage of development I guess I grieve- I was born old and came at life backwards!

I have assurance in the existence of a sweet, gentle, romantic love even at 40-something.

I love to hear this...I do so so long for a life partner. I feel almost guilty for asking G_d for something like this, guilty for G_d and work and love of all the people in my life not being quite enough because that's just me and I want to be part of someone else too ( if that makes sense )

Love to you too, thanks for reaching out.

[Certain Hope]

I feel almost guilty for asking G_d for something like this, guilty for G_d and work and love of all the people in my life not being quite enough because that's just me and I want to be part of someone else too ( if that makes sense )

Dear Write, I felt guilty, too. So guilty that I didn't even ask. God gave anyway. Sometimes we receive not because we ask not. Sometimes He gives out of the goodness of His heart because He knows that our dreams have faded so far into the dim recesses that we are unable to even dredge them out.

It makes perfect sense to me to want to be part of someone else. I believe it is for that which we were created... for that oneness.
God knows the desires of our hearts even when we are too jaded to hope for them. I was that jaded. He restored my hope.

One thing I have learned is that He doesn't always give us what we think we want, but He does always provide just exactly what we need. I have the highest hopes for you.
((((((((Write))))))))

Love,
Hope

[pennyplant]

what is the secret sorrow of your hidden heart?

I guess mine is that I always put off my youth and took on things far beyond my years, and responsibility that wasn't mine, but underneath I believed my carefree time was all just on hold and I'd be able to go back, be the me I was meant to be if everything had worked out.

And- the deepest fear- I am so lonely in the secret sorrow of my hidden heart not wanting to even say this- that I will regret never getting to be the pretty young girl being kissed more than I am thankful for all the other stuff which came out of the past 40 years.

Because now I am the me I was meant to be- or closest I've been to it- and what if I'm not enough?

WRITE, you said it all.  I too believed that I would one day pick up where I left off.  Could still be young, have the fun and friends, become the real me.  That dream is what got me through some really trying times.  I mean I just didn't realize, until now, that was it.  This is it.  To have done all the hard things and not enjoyed very much of it at all, because I kept thinking the good times were waiting for me, and ..... it turns out you don't pick up where you left off.  Youth is gone.  The friends I didn't make or keep--they aren't here waiting for me.  The real me.... was there all along.  Faulty, unhappy, screwed up.

I'm working on not having the regrets, though.  I wasted my younger years resenting everything I had to do.  It was like I had "pre-regrets".  But now that it has turned out that this is it--I want to really live it anyway.  It's not too late to actually participate in my own life even if it is not what I thought it would be.  Time's a wastin'.  As hard as the younger years were, I realize what a big mistake it was not to have tried to get some joy out of it.  What a big mistake it was to think about a foggy goal of "when the kids are grown, when I have money, when blah, blah, blah..."

I feel like I really fooled myself.  But I just didn't know.  I was a kid and I had no idea that life doesn't wait for you.

PP

[WRITE]

He doesn't always give us what we think we want, but He does always provide just exactly what we need.

I don't even see G_d as a 'he' or a 'being' you know, but you're right, every step of my journey has been guided, time and again I have felt 'put in place' or given strength I needed.

Part of my grief now is I am feeling more and more that G_d does not want for me the marriage and family thing, I am called to something else and afraid of it because it isn't what has been my secret heart for so long and I can't let go of that yet.

I have the highest hopes for you.

thank you.
I'll try not to let you down ( smile )

I had no idea that life doesn't wait for you.

no, it does not. And we have to embrace it even where it scares us and we're uncertain- stumble along rather than remain motionless with fear.

On a practical level it's like undertaking a diet- or not. I always feel sick when I have a long-term goal which requires stamina. So I tell myself the months will pass anyway, whether or not I lose or gain weight...never managed to be goal weight yet though!

[Certain Hope]

Dear Write,

  I know that you and I do not share the same concept of God. Thank you for being willing to share with me despite our differences.

 Re: fear that God might not want for you the fulfillment of your secret heart, I just wanted to say that I have seen how it works in myself, that God stirs up new desires and truly does make all things new again. When I thought that I was on my own to fulfill myself, there was great fear. Once I recognized God's great goodness and tender love for me, I knew that I could trust Him to give me only what is truly best for me... that for which He divinely suited me in the first place. A pastor I know says it this way: If God wants to send you to Africa and you'll have to eat bugs while living there, God will give you a taste for bugs! This has been true in my own life and it's not been because of any great strength or spirituality within me... it's all Him.

Love,
Hope

[WRITE]

If God wants to send you to Africa and you'll have to eat bugs while living there, God will give you a taste for bugs!

I love it. You're right of course.

It's funny, one friend told me he battles with cynicism in his faith, I never waver on that, it's the fear of pain always gets me.

~W ( off to eat diet pizza, not bugs!)

[pennyplant]

Part of my grief now is I am feeling more and more that G_d does not want for me the marriage and family thing, I am called to something else and afraid of it because it isn't what has been my secret heart for so long and I can't let go of that yet.

I think I am not as far along the path yet.  Isn't grief farther along than anger?  I am angry that I am probably not meant to have my secret heart.  And as angry as I have been for much of my life, I still don't know what to do with that emotion and it gets turned into depression.  Letting my feelings be and exist is helping.  But maybe I haven't let them be free enough in a useful way.  Because it keeps coming back to anger.

Obviously my secret heart has been wrong all these years.  Or sadly mistaken as I like to say when I screw up really badly.  Or maybe my secret heart is still that 14 year old girl who was in so much pain and needed for her life to be the opposite of what it really was just to get by in life.

This life I've built and let evolve seems to be more of a fit for who I'm turning out to be.  But what a letdown from that youthful dream.  A letdown in almost every aspect.

Logic doesn't enter yet.  I know for a fact that many people who know me envy some of what I have.  Good marriage, a home, health, good kids, good job.  Still others who approve of what they know of my life.  Hard worker, polite, faithful, law-abiding, helpful.  Those are just pieces of me!!!  Everyone is so much more complex than they seem, including me.  And I keep wishing I could bring the complexities to the surface and know what to do with them because my secret heart seems more real to me, more alive.

Ah what a mess this post is.  Your idea gives me so much to think about, WRITE.  I'm not going to rush myself, though.  I've done that my whole life too.

Does anybody have any idea how to integrate the secret heart into your real life?  That's what I want to do.

Pennyplant

[Gaining Strength]

WRITE,

don't give up hope for your desires.  If it fits your theology ask that God conform your will to God's will.  Then it is not up to you to mourn your unmet desires nor to change them.  If opening your heart, in prayer, to have your desires conform to God's fits your theology then you take that "figuring it out" off your shoulders.

Jus a thought - GS