I've been away for a few days - processing and busy. What wonderful postings I find today in this thread.
Last week deep stirrings within me just pour out - it felt like an infection working it's way to the surface, like a boil coming to a head. This week I am further along, in a different place just slightly further along to continuum toward functioning. The shame has shifted and today it is specifically "condemnation." I cannot yet tell if condemnation is a synonym for shame or is a segment of shame. It is very uncomfortable but I am willing to process this as I have been processing the shame.
Thank you Plucky and teartracks and Certain Hope and Hopalong and jacmac and Penelope and Portia for you kind encouragements. Your words are so much more than mere letters on a board. They truly feed me, truly encouragement, truly give life. I see that I am coming into my own life, as though the tunnel I am in is the birth cannal. I am surprised that it is so painful. Here I am trying to race a marathon and I haven't even been born yet. I will have to slow down.
Certain Hope
GS, I do not believe that we can "will" ourselves to shame-free health. I believe that true healing is a gift, like forgiveness, which we may only receive with open, empty hands. This is the basis of my own determination to empty my hands of anything which would fill them with useless, vain nothing-ness. I do believe in sanctuary, but we make a place safe for ourselves with fortifications; necessary safeguards, because not all of the infection is internal. You are sweeping your inner house clean and goodness & light aren't the only forces seeking to fill the vacuum. You have made a giant leap here, imo, GS... you have chosen to trust yourself and your "instincts", the leading of the Spirit, whatever you choose to call it. The way I read you, you've taken a stand... in humility and strength, which is true meekness.
I am convinced that I cannot "will" myself whole. I have tried. It was like pushing the accelerator harder and harder while my wheel dug deeper and deeper into the mud. The "healing as gift", "empty[ing]," and "fortifications" which you write about are wonderful concepts. I love the set of verses about putting on Christ's armor. I am going to take your thoughts with me onthis journey. "Healing as gift," "empty[ing]," and "fortifications."
I actually see "fortification" as the concept that goes to why people subject theemselves to abuse. We do it because we have not developed enough fortification, whether that is because we are children and that fortification must be supplied for us or we have strayed outside the fortifications available to us knowingly or unknowingly or for what ever. Growing up - we were to be protected and nurtured. That nurturing includes showing us how to identify and surround ourselves with the fortifications that will allow us to thrive. Thank you Certain Hope - this is a very pregnant concept that calls for so much development.
Hopalong,
Quote
I have paid a huge price in my life for having to hide my point of view, my self expression.
I was wondering if this might be one explanation for the untidiness, paralysis about clearing/cleaning space? If you did a square foot, and another, etc....you would uncover clear space. And then...that would invite you to express your point of view, your pleasure in a poster, some art, a choice of paint for the wall, etc.
I think you have expressed something very meaningful for me. You are tapping into an aspect that highlights the mechanism that holds the key, an aspect that keeps me stuck. I also came to see, last week, that this untidiness (boy is that an understatement) is an outward expression of the inner shame. That shame just grew and grew and grew until I could not contain it anymore and it has continued to grow outward, like a tumor, demanding that I see it, demanding that I address it. Well I see it now. I know what it is and where it came from. One of the steps in addressing it will be to let go of the responsibility for generating the shame in the first place. I have certainly done things that have fed it but part of the healing is for me to relinquish the responsibility, that I have held for so long, for its origin. Only when I let that go - it did not, does not belong to me. When I let that go, then I can pick up the responsibility for addressing it.
Back to your words Hopalong
that would invite you to express your point of view
These gentle words point me to a frightening place. This is what chains me, this is where I learned these maladaptive behaviors in order to save my life and now - you so kindly point out to me - I must let go of these maladaptive behaviors in order to live. And addressing this is bringing up the inordinate fears that I suppressed as a child. How astonishing it is that the very act of cleaning up my home can send me into fear for my life - but that is what it is. Had I "express[ed] your [my] point of view" I would have risk my life, my psychological well being, my privilege of enjoying and partaking of the luxury afforded my as a child of my privileges family. I would not have known how to "be" otherwise. I see that be NOT expressing my point of view that I have walked the roads into a living hell and yet the fear that belonged to that child who could see no survival beyond sublimating her view, her desires is as real today as it was then.
Thanks Hopalong - you have shown your light on that shackle. I do have the tools to cut myself free from this one now that you have illuminated it. First, I know that fear is false today - not false then - but false today and as I seek to address it I will continue to name it false. thanks. I'll let you know how it goes. I ain't exactly intrepid so it may take some time to build up the courage to start cutting that chain but I do see my work before me. Thank you.
jacmac
Your analysis of "nurturing', "securing", and "dancing" are very profound. They definitely fit comfortably. The whole isue of "dance" and the context you frame it in are too complex for me to take in and process immediately. I thank you for this"dance" concept. I am interested to spend time delving into "who" plays the role of rescuer, abuser and victim. I am interested in learning which parts of me play each of those roles and who else plays those roles in my life. Thank you for this complex image. I will enjoy unraveling it.
Hopalong
THIS CUTLURE STILL TELLS WOMEN TO SUBMIT TO MEN'S REQUESTS, ORDERS, DOMINATION AND INITMIDATION. (Invasion, too, which is why I think you were in a bathroom in your dream.)
Even when our inner voices protest.
"Women's ways of knowing" comes to mind when I read what you wrote. Women's ways of knowing has been sublimated in favor of the power of money which has, culturally, belonged to men. Tragically, it is the balance of the two that gives true power and true vitality. Knowledge is also power. I am truly oversimplifying for the sake of brevity but for sometime men held the power of thee purse and out of fear of the power of women's knowing choked out that vitality out of fear. Everyone loses. In my father's family history the eveidence of this is strikingly clear in the stories recounted by my father and his first cousins - about their paternal grandfather, his powerful wife and his extraordinary mother. Part of the result of my father's lineage of strong women was misogynistic men in denial of their misogyny. How's that for convoluted. Power with fear is corrupting. Power with confidence and compassion is life giving. Power with fear is not in short supply in either gender.
(Invasion, too, which is why I think you were in a bathroom in your dream.)
That's an interesting take. I can see that. The bathroom is a place of privacy, where disrobing and vulerability is revealed. In the wild some predatory animals track their prey via their defecation. My foundling sheepdog hides his poop. In 9 years I have rarely seen evidence of his packages. So I can see the bathroom as a symbol of vulnerability or a threat from power.
Portia
That confusion you said you felt…..I wonder what caused it. Maybe I sounded like your Dad for a moment back there,
This is what I was trying to describe in that response that began Portia #16, me #17 etc.
Does the act of writing help you a lot? I find that if I try and just *think* about what’s been said here sometimes, I can’t fathom out a conclusion for me – I have to write it here and see if I agree with myself….see how it looks on the board…does that make sense?
It really does help me. But not just writing - writing here, where others are writing and reading and most significantly, understanding.
It's nice to have this place. I see the day coming when I will be able to work again. I am really becoming ready, really longing to go out and have a clear purpose each and every day, a clear structure beyond healing. When I no longer have the luxury of writing here for a couple of hours.
