Issues connected with surviving an N parent

[Gaining Strength]

I found this on www.aconbravehost.com

There are many issues connected with surviving an Nparent. Some of those issues are listed below with a variety of articles, links and recovery tools for support and research. The impact of the N abuse on a child has many repercussions which may include:
PTSD
Feeling voiceless
Suppression of many feelings to accommodate the raging-shaming-blaming of the Nparent which may result in the child of an N not being able to feel safe or permitted to express their anger, grief, sadness, fear or other emotions
Chronic low-grade or clinical depression, which may vary in seriousness from mild melancholy to total paralysis and may have an emphasis in anxiety, sadness or both
Panic attacks
Abandonment depression
Unhealing grief
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or traits
Self-mutilation, self-cutting
Self-hair-pulling
Pica
Eating disorders such as anorexia, bulimia and obesity
Living in a messy environment
Not maintaining personal hygiene
Isolating
Feeling uncomfortable without dramarama
Attempting to self-medicate for depression or PTSD with other self-destructive habits
Boundary issues
Dependency issues
Co-dependency issues
Repeated relationships with emotional or physical abusers
Obsessing
Compulsivity
Migraines
Emotional and social issues connected with PTSD:
Eating disorders such as anorexia, bulimia and obesity
Addictions to alcohol and/or drugs:
12-step recovery process links and articles
OCD
Deprivation issues and/or deprivation addiction
Needing to detox from years of psychological/emotional/spiritual/physical abuse
Splitting and dissociation
Self-destructive habits such as self-mutilation
Self hair-pulling
Not knowing how to feel emotions in healthy ways: anger, sadness, grieving
Mood swings
Promiscuity
Reactive Borderline Personality disorder traits
Feeling like their meaning in life is to be their Nparent's container
Feeling F.O.G. -fear-obligation-guilt as a continuous state
Abandonment issues
Stockholm Syndrome

[Gaining Strength]

Can we talk about some of these?  This really helps me.  Some of these things are so validating for me.  All my life I have asked, "What is WRONG with me."  Now I know!!!  Now I know why therapy has not brought about very remarkable results.  I do have hope.  I am so glad to understand why I have been so stuck.  I really want to talk about this with someone.

These are ones that are or have been issues at various times in my life. 
PTSD

Feeling voiceless
clinical depression
Panic attacks
Abandonment depression
Unhealing grief
Living in a messy environment
Not maintaining personal hygiene
Isolating
Boundary issues
Dependency issues
Promiscuity
Feeling like their meaning in life is to be their Nparent's container
Feeling F.O.G. -fear-obligation-guilt as a continuous state
Abandonment issues
Stockholm Syndrome
paralysis (listed somewhere on this same site)


The two most debilitating for me today are Living in a messy environment and paralysis, as a teen it was promicuity.  I have never talked about that before - not even to my therapist.  When I was in high school and college I acted out sexually.  It was indescribably shaming.  I didn't know why I did it.  I never admitted to it even though, of course, other people knew about it.  Well into adulthood I was still so deeply shamed by it.  I did figure out that it was related to the utter emotional abandonment by my NPD father but it was shaming none-the-less. 

Living in a messy environment I understand this as an outward manifestation of my inner shame.  Years ago someone told me that my chronic lateness was a way of shaming myself.  I wrestled with that for years.  It never felt right.  I wasn't late, don't live in a messy environment in order to shame myself but because I am shamed.  Ditto for paralysis.

Feeling F.O.G. -fear-obligation-guilt as a continuous state
I've never heard of this before but I have described this to my T for many years.  How incredibly amazing to see it written in this list of issues related to N parents. 

What I feel is vindicated - vindicated for these wretched issues that describe me.  I did not do these things to myself.  I could not change these things until I understood them.  I could not understand them until I became conscious of them in a meaningful framework.  Now I've got it and only now can I begin to change it.  THIS IS SCARY!!  Dealing with and overcoming these issues is scary.  I open my heart to receive encouragement and solace from this community.  Thanks for being there for me the way my FOO was not.  Thank you. - Gaining S

[Portia]

(((((((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))))))))

Scary is good. Just a feeling! Feelings can't hurt you!

I have never talked about that before - not even to my therapist.  When I was in high school and college I acted out sexually.  It was indescribably shaming.  I didn't know why I did it.

We take whatever love we can find, even if we don't know what love is. It's okay. Forgive yourself if you need to. i did the same, no big deal. We both just needed love so much.

Gotta go. Keep talking!

[Certain Hope]

Dear Gaining Strength,

   Can we talk about some of these?  This really helps me. 

Yes, of course!  I clicked on the other list several times last night, but it all seemed like too much to approach just then. In fact, I think the heaviness of it all is part of what inspired my round of silliness... kinda one of those lapses into clowndom when life seems to be weighing down.

I was a late bloomer, so my phase of sexual-acting-out was post high-school and quite brief. This was not due to any great strength or high standard of my own, but mainly fear (an unhealthy fear of God and of people) and my deeply rooted belief in marriage.
Thankfully, having my first child at 22 drastically curtailed my escapades, and yet... there has been plenty of shame.
Receiving God's forgiveness for my choices and behavior has been the cure for that shame within me, not that it doesn't occasionally try to renew its hold. You know that passage:  There is now, therefore, no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus" ... well, I claim that one regularly. As far as forgiving self, I think that's a pride issue. When I get stuck in the rut of "I cannot believe I could have done such a thing", it's time for me to humble myself and say, "Why not me? What makes me think I'm above all that? If  I were so righteous on my own, of my own strength, I wouldn't need a Saviour, would I?"
Another thing re: sexual "sin", if I may use that term... I fully appreciate the Scriptural advisory that it does so much damage, often with longstanding consequences, because it is a sin against one's own body. Do you know that passage? Can't think offhand where it is, but Romans, I think. Anyhow, this is not a Bible Study, just some of the things that go through my mind re: this topic. I don't believe in alot of what I call mumbo jumbo that I've heard within the modern church, but the concept of "soul ties" (with one with whom we've been sexually intimate) is something with which I've had personal experience. I have no Biblical support for this concept other than the aforementioned passage, but I know that it took alot of prayer and rebuking for me to break the ties N-ex had on my spirit. I think there's a similar principle in breaking the ties to our own inner shame over past sexual issues. It's something that was very difficult for me to take to God, thinking that He would turn His ear away from me in revulsion. He didn't. Now I know that He never would respond that way, because He loves me and wants only the best for me, including healing from my own mistakes. Same with you, GS.

I have to git for a bit here, but just wanted to drop in on that part of it for now. More later... sending you big hugs, too.

Love,
Hope

[portia guest]

I didn't know why I did it.

GS, I don't know what you did. I know what I did: sleeping with guys simply because they wanted to sleep with me; feeling that unless I was sexually desired, I was nothing and alllllll the rest. Why? Because I didn't know I was worth anything. I didn't value myself other than staying alive and surviving. Sex was a quick way to get 'close' to someone (it is never a quick way to get close to someone). Sex made me feel wanted in the world (because I didn't feel wanted in the world back then). What did you get out of it, if you can say and you want to say?

Not that I particularly wanted to talk about sex ( ) but if you haven't told your T, it must be pretty shameful in some way? Hey. If it was legal, it was okay. And if it wasn't, well, some laws are dumb. I ain't going into that one yet but let's just say if it was between consenting adults, that's okay by me. Take care. Going again. P

[Gaining Strength]

Certain Hope

I think the heaviness of it all is part of what inspired my round of silliness... kinda one of those lapses into clowndom when life seems to be weighing down.

silliness or addiction                                     you pick                                    silliness or addiction

Let's see... UMMM

Love that levity - I once had a sense of humor.  By the time I realized it was gone and that I needed it back, I was sooooo serious that I spent 6 months researching humor.  LOL - that is PITIFUL!!

Receiving God's forgiveness for my choices and behavior has been the cure for that shame within me,

Absolutely.  In fact I learned alot about "receiving" while dealing with this issue.  For YEARS, I prayed for forgiveness and NEVER felt released and after YEARS of struggle I finally realized that in order to get that relief I had to accept that forgiveness.  That was such an important revelation for me.  And has been a real gift.  Now I ask for forgiveness and then open my heart to receive.

the concept of "soul ties" (with one with whom we've been sexually intimate)

I am familiar with that.  I get the concept.  Not sure where I stand on that but have none-the-less had prayers to break those ties.  Thanks for having to courage to mention that.

Portia

You've nailed it. 

What did you get out of it, if you can say and you want to say?

exactly what you said

Sex was a quick way to get 'close' to someone (it is never a quick way to get close to someone). Sex made me feel wanted in the world (because I didn't feel wanted in the world back then).

And that would be followed by horrendous bouts of depression.  I didn't know then what it was but I do now - shame and depression.  But it was out of desparation to be held and to be (I hate to use the word here because it is so wrong) loved.  It certainly wasn't love but it was as close as I could get.  I would try to hide my actions.  I would have sex with people who weren't part of my every day life.  It was immense shame from the git go. 

But, in reply to Certain Hope, I think I am able to write about it today only because at long last I am free of it.  But it is helpful to see this word "promiscuity" among the list of issues stemming from N parents.  It makes sense to me out of what had not made sense for so long.

I saw a 20/20 last night about teen girls pitting themselves against each other with such viciousness.  That really touched me (so I turned the channel.)  We are so needy.  We really need to be loved - and when we don't get that as children we do become desparate and that desparation moves out in different directions.  For me now it has enshrouded me in messiness and paralysis.  As a teen, I acted out sexually and then pulled in in shame.  Just a terrible experience in life.  But really what this list does for me is it frees me from beating myself up.  I was acting out of deep, despair and need, powerfully driven unconsciously.  And that is what is so frustrating to me today.  I have brought so much of that which was unconscious and that which was repressed out to look at, examine, poke, prod and understand.   But I'm not yet getting the movement I need.  I'm not yet getting the unstuckedness.  I do see signs but please, I have lived with this darkness and oppression for so long.  I want freedom.  I really do.

Thanks Certain Hope and Portia.

It does feel good to put this out there and to have some sense of having dealt with this.  Now to deal with my present yuck - any suggestions there.  Once OR pushed me.  I really like being pushed.  I have sorrow that my FOO could not, did not push.  All they knew was belittling.  C'est la Vie! - Gaining Strength - very impatiently

[Gaining Strength]

What is PICA?

[Certain Hope]

GS,
 
  Pica refers to the development of unusual tastes in non-food things to eat... like play dough. Sometimes kids show signs of this and I've also heard of it appearing suddenly in pregnancy, so it may indicate a dietary deficiency of some sort.

Hope

P.S. on edit... oops, I didn't see your other response!

Addicted to silliiness??      lol, not I. I've only recently rediscovered my own sense of humor, so I can't say it's an addiction, although quite possibly a mask used to avoid more weighty concerns at times. However, yesterday was a good day for me and I thoroughly enjoyed my lapse into levity here. Slept great!

I understand what you mean about learning to receive and accept forgiveness. To me, it's been another of those great gulfs between mind and heart. What it took to traverse that gulf for me was the unmistakeable, irrefutable love of God just drenching my life when I SO so so so didn't deserve it.

I am glad to hear that you're free of it with regard to the shame of past sexual encounters. Could the same process be applied individually to these other hurdles you face? All of that examination, prodding, and poking leads to intellectual understanding, I know. Now to distance that gulf to the heart. Do I hear you asking for a kick in the pants??      I'll tell you... my husband is the most laid-back guy. If I followed his example, I'd never get a thing done around here. I pretty much have to kick my own fanny into gear on a daily basis, so I've gotten pretty good at it lately, but this is a very recent development. One thing that really got me motivated immediately following N ex's departure from my home was my dedication to erasing his presence. I washed walls, painted, scrubbed, rented a Rug Doctor... you name it, I scoured it. There was great satisfaction in that for me, but then I'm odd     Maybe you could make use of this method in some manner? I dunno what would most "psych you up" to get a move on, but I bet you do... and I pray that you will find that stirrer-upper all in good time. And you know... I wonder if it's not simply a matter of putting so much energy into this mental/emotional work that you're physically exhausted? When I pour all of my energies into this sort of emotional cyphering, I often feel totally drained. Maybe picture your mind and body as two entities, each on one side of the scale? Get the body moving at least as much as the mind and you'll have better balance?

Just tossing thoughts out here at random, knowing that you won't mind and you'll pick and choose as you see fit.

Much love,
Hope

[Gaining Strength]

Certain Hope

I wonder if it's not simply a matter of putting so much energy into this mental/emotional work that you're physically exhausted? When I pour all of my energies into this sort of emotional cyphering, I often feel totally drained. Maybe picture your mind and body as two entities, each on one side of the scale? Get the body moving at least as much as the mind and you'll have better balance?

There is so much wisdom in you gentle push.  I'm going to give that balance thing a try.

GS

Oh, by the way - not addicted to silliness but rather, "Silliness OR addiction" as in "Silliness is a much preferred mask of pain than addiction."

[moonlight52]

Hi Guys ,

To me silliness is so spontaneous I do not see as a mask of pain any more than compassion or joy.

moon

[Portia]

"Silliness is a much preferred mask of pain than addiction."

Oh yes. I stop myself doing it if I notice. That old entertainer/joker routine. Now I'm more like a Fool I hope (although not as funny or clever as fools generally were I think).

Silliness is socially acceptable. Addiction causes shame on those close, if they're ignorant. Pffffft.

[moonlight52]

I associate "the entrainer" with my previous bipolar cycles .And now that layer of "entertainer" is gone.

I still laugh and have fun with my children .In my FOO silliness is not accepted .

There is a difference between the "entertainer" who is on and simple joy or just not being in pain.

I guess since I have been on meds for bipolar my entertainer has been grounded also I understand the "routine".

I do not feel compelled to entertain anyone.Humor seems to be more a release like tears which is healthy

moon

[Gaining Strength]

In my FOO silliness is not accepted .

Thanks for sharing that Moonlight.

When I wrote

silliness or addiction                                     you pick                                    silliness or addiction

I was being silly, but it did not translate at all in writing.  I didn't mean anything derogatory about silliness nor that it is an addiction, only that when weighed down by the heaviness of life I would much prefer to use silliness to get me through the tought times than turning to adiction to avoid them.  My words needed a little tone or inflection only available in voice.  Sorry for the confusion - your friend Gaining Strength

[moonlight52]

GS ,   

I guess anything can be used to distract oneself from issues.
I am sending you love and compassion .
I took no offense.I was just stating what was not accepted in FOO.
Have a good weekend .

moon 

[Gaining Strength]

I took no offense.

Thanks Moon.  Heaven knows none was intended. 

I was just stating what was not accepted in FOO.

I understand.  Same in mine - no silliness, not much humor, no joy.

GS