At wits end!

[coliva]

Today I was at my wits end and decided to search the net for some help. 36 years with my husband and I still don't know how to help him. I have always knew that his problems are based on his childhood but I thought that I could really make a difference in his life.
Over the years, our 2 wonderful children and I have tried very hard to make him feel proud, happy, content and special but we have not been successful. To the contrary, we have made a monsterous situation. Today, he is more needy and is totaly oblivious of the needs of others. We have made excuses for his exagerations and lies and arrogant ways to the point that we have lost many friendships. When we try to address the situations with him he becomes billigerant. When the billigerance doesn't get the best of us, he then becomes violently ill and of course that gets our attention.
I believe that marriage is forever and that the stronger mate should prevail and carry the burdens. I can not carry anymore. I am having health problems that are stress related and that can possibly become debilitating. What will he do then???. He doesn't trust anyone but himself. He has no one that understands him and I know he will litterally destroy himself if I am not there for him.
My children are urging me to get medical consultation for him but I will never be able to convince him to see someone because you know "he doesn't have a problem" everyone else in the world has a problem!
I know that most of you have had similar, if not worse situations and I appreciate your time to listen.
God bless you all.

[Jacmac, as guest]

You cannot help anyone if it means sacrificing yourself to do it.
You cannot help anyone that does not want to be helped.
Sometimes the best way to help someone is to "abandon" them and let them help themselves.
Being a rescuer and savior sometimes helps to distract us from all the work we need to do on ourselves but are afraid to address.
I wish you the best of luck in helping the only person that you truly can,
yourself!

[Anonymous]

I'll bet this is the first time in your life coliva that you've really thought about yourself. Don't feel guilty about that. Ask yourself why it's been acceptable to you for your husband to have put himself first all these years but now that you want/need something, somehow it's not right to you? How is it that he's allowed to breathe the air but not you?
You need to find the strength to see things truthfully and the courage to make whatever choices you need to make.
Take care.
Karin.

[pp]

delete

[Portia]

Hear hear PP, I bet He’s spilt a few drops of blood taking that pound of flesh too.

I know he will litterally destroy himself if I am not there for him.

Oh Coliva he won’t (has he ever made a serious suicide attempt?) and you need to turn your attention from him to you. That’s a scary thing to do, to concentrate on yourself. But it’s not selfish, it’s not egotistical, it’s your own survival.

he then becomes violently ill

What happens? Does he make himself vomit? Migraines? Does he remind you of a 2 year old at these times?

I believe that marriage is forever

Well unfortunately it most often isn’t. That’s the fact. It’s not ‘right’ or ’wrong’ – it just IS. Are your beliefs in conflict with what you feel? Follow your heart, what you feel. Belief is not truth. If you don’t know what your heart is telling you, find someone who can help you listen to it. Someone detached and preferably without any prejudicial beliefs of their own.

I am having health problems that are stress related and that can possibly become debilitating.

Please try to make yourself well again. It’s difficult to know what you feel if you’re worrying about your health. And worrying will only make you sicker. Look after your body and mind! Please tell us how you feel now Coliva. Best wishes, P

[Portia]

Is it bad etiquette to bring older posts back up?? I was struck by Coliva’s first (and last) post and have been wondering on and off what happened, or what you thought Coliva, about our replies. Are you still here somewhere? I hope I wasn’t too blunt or too dismissing of your belief in marriage. You can still talk here if you want to! Best wishes, P

[Dewd]

Hi Coliva,

I just happened by and noticed your desperate post, in which you ask for help with your hubby of 36 years. I think I may be able to help. First, though, I'll take time to introduce my self.

I'm called "Dewd." I am 72 years old, married, retired, two children (grown and gone) four grand children, and happy as a pig in feces. Incidentally, I've been married to the same woman for fifty years. So, with that out of the way, let's get to your problem, actually, your husband's problem.

First, before I can help you, I must ask that you have complete confidence that I can, in fact, help.  Too, you must understand (and come to grips) with your husband's problem. He is sick, Coliva. I don't mean 'sick' in the classic sense, your husband has cultivated a mind set that has progressed beyond the point of no return. By "no return" I don't mean to say that he can't get well. He can get well, but he cannot do it by himself.

The old fashion word for his kind of sickness is/was "psychoses" but, then, what's in a name? It all works out the same. Your husband is sick. Furthermore, Coliva, and you'll not understand this, but your husband is sick because you love him too much. You pamper him, mollycoddle him, rub his back and anything else he wants rubbed. (I'd bet a war pension that you've even rubbed his feet.) Don't lie, Coliva. You've done it. Right? You wash his clothes, cook his food and carry it to him on a tray, and when the spoiled rotten asshole goes to bed, you give him your "special" love. 
   
There now. See how much I know?

But, really, Coliva, psychosis is not a four letter word. It sounds like a four letter word, but it's a perfectly human and normal thing that we hairless apes do to ourselves.

So, Coliva, I can lead you, step by step, through a process that will bring him back. One thing is sure and certain, though. If you don't take action soon, it'll be too late.

Let me know if you think I can help.
DammitDewd.

[gratitude28]

Coliva,
You are placing a large burden on yourself, and one that you should not have. His behavior is HIS BEHAVIOR. You cannot fix him or help him or change him. And, yes, you have played into his hands. I think you will need to step back and distance yourself from trying to affect him. An AA type meeting (is it called ALCOA, someone help me out here) - for those in co-dependent relationships would help.
Please also come back and tell us more, and vent if you wish.
Love, Beth

[Dewd]

Is it bad etiquette to bring older posts back up?? I was struck by Coliva’s first (and last) post and have been wondering on and off what happened, or what you thought Coliva, about our replies. Are you still here somewhere? I hope I wasn’t too blunt or too dismissing of your belief in marriage. You can still talk here if you want to! Best wishes, P

Portia,

Gee whiz! I wish I'd been more observant. I didn't notice how old Coliva's post was. I wanted to help so badly that I jumped in too quickly. Most likely it's all over by now, and both of their lives are ruined.

If her marriage ended the way I think it did, her husband realizes by now what he had, but it's too late. Coliva sounded like such a wonderful wife and mother. I feel so deeply for her.

Anyway, Portia, hello and forgive me. I'm such an ass.

Dewd.

[Hopalong]

Hi Dewd,
Whether or not you were able to reach Coliva, there are surely women in just her position who will happen on your post here and know it was meant to help them help themselves.

No advocacy for a voiceless person who feels trapped is ever wasted!

(BTW, all, I sent Coliva a quick PM to let her know we're thinking of her and to check in if she can.)

Hops

[sea storm]

Coliva, wherever you are, it has been a long time since you wrote your haunting letter. Many people on this website understand your problem very well from personal experience. I know I do.
If you start with one act that is different from your usual approach it is very interesting to see what your partner will do. For instance, put yourself first for one time and see what happens. This is pretty safe and it will help to breack the spell of resuing your ungrateful spouse.
I began to say no frequently and the sky did not fall. He got stronger and left. Now I see that it was my salvation.
Wherever you are .... thank you for your story.

[Stormchild]

I checked coliva's stats. If you click on her username, as long as it is underlined, you'll see her profile.

Last Active: February 17, 2004, 11:15:34 AM

You can pretty much tell whenever anyone has logged in last by checking their profile.

She may be here as a guest all the time, but she hasn't logged in since February '04.