Marital Problems/Is he a Narcissist?

[Mari]

I hope someone can help me. I've been married for six years to a man who I believe is a Narcissist. He has two daughters who live with us full time (he sued his ex-wife five years ago and won FULL legal and physical custody). I quit my job to become a stay-at-home mother for the girls. I truly love them and they look to me as mom. They see Bio-mom twice a year on a limited basis. My husband and I have had problems off and on throughout our marriage. When we got back from our honeymoon, he threw a fit because I was writing out wedding thank-you notes and not sitting right next to him, watching the Superbowl. After every argument he sulks and gives me the silent treatment for days at a time. He rarely apologizes, even after I tell him something he did/said hurt my feelings. Now I'm 9 weeks pregnant with my first Bio-Child and things could not be worse between us. I'm at high risk (this was an IVF pregnancy and I am over 40) so we have not been able to be intimate since the embryo transfer on August 8th. Then, when I discovered I was pregnant, the doc wanted us to wait another 3 weeks because there was a chance of miscarriage. Ever since then he's been horrible to live with. At first he was complaining daily about the lack of sex and how "deprived" he was. When I finally told him that his attitude was bothering me he said, "Fine, I won't ever ask you for sex again". Now he thinks I "used" him to get pregnant and he feels like I don't need him anymore. He says he knows that after the baby comes I won't be as "available" to him anymore. It is always all about HIM and his needs. He travels a lot for business and when he is home he barely speaks to me unless I speak to him or ask him a question. When I told him I started to have morning sickness he said, "Well, you bought into this". I feel so alone. He never talks about the baby or asks me if he can do anything for me. He went with me for my third ultrasound and we heard the heartbeat..I was ecstatic, he just sat there motionless, not saying anything. I was crushed. I am doing everything to keep our household running smoothly so his boat doesn't get rocked. I feel like I am constanly walking on eggshells. The other night he asked me if I was sleeping (he used a much more derogatory term) with someone else! I constantly have to reassure him and I am so tired and drained. When he comes home from work he goes into our bedroom and watches tv by himself. When I was having fertility treatments he would get really angry with me if I wore makeup to the Fertility Doc. (Why do I have to get all dolled up for this guy, he says) It seems as though for him, sex is the end-all in our relationship. If he doesn't feel like he's  getting enough, he gets very depressed and moody and says I don't find him desireable and that I "faked" it with him during our entire relationship. On the outside he's very confident, very successful. His mother (whom he consideres a saint) thinks he walks on water and is absolutely perfect. But behind closed doors he pouts, puts me down and doesn't HEAR me when I try to talk to him about how I feel. After every time we argue or attempt to talk about our problems, I end up feeling like I am the crazy one with the problem. Last week he told me that "it's all my fault" that he feels so alone and betrayed. And I'm left thinking, WHAT DID I DO??? Now there is an innocent baby to think about. There's also his daughters..I love them. What will happen to them if I leave?  I never wanted to be a single parent, but I can't raise a child in this toxic household, either. It wouldn't be fair. He will never be the one to leave. He'll push me away until I finally leave and then he'll say, "See, I was right, she DID abandon me". I made the mistake of once telling him having a baby was "my dream" and now he throws that in my face, saying that I was his dream (i.e. how hurt he is that HE isn't "enough" for me). I'm so confused, scared, alone and angry. I'm angry because this should be such a joyous time and it's not, I'm so stressed out by worry. I have no support. We live in a foreign country right now (for his job) and I am far away from my family and friends. I've been reading on the Internet about Narcissistic Personalities...does he sound like one? And any kind words or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for listening.

[Gaining Strength]

walking on eggshells.[/[/font][/size]quote]

That is the name of a book Borderline Personality Disorder.  That's what your description sounds like to me.  In fact your desciption sounds shockingly similar to my experience with my late husband.  We had a child through IVF when I was in my early forties.

Now he thinks I "used" him to get pregnant and he feels like I don't need him anymore. He says he knows that after the baby comes I won't be as "available" to him anymore. 

Before we ever married, my husband said he wanted to have a family with me.  Once I got pregnant he often said that he felt used and he was very afraid that I would leave him after the baby came.  No amount of reassuring him made a dent in his protests.  I never felt he really felt threatened, more like he ws venting.

He will never be the one to leave. He'll push me away until I finally leave and then he'll say, "See, I was right, she DID abandon me".

This echos the way I felt.  It also is a classic description of BPD. 

Try to get a copy of Walking on Eggshells.  It gives suggestions about how to deal with  BPD in a marriage.  Unfortunately I didn't realize that my husband probably was BPD until after he died, but I can't tell you how familiar your story sounds to me. 

I will definitely walk with you on this one.  My heart goes out to you. - Gaining Strength

[Portia]

Dear Mari, welcome!

He reminds me of a man I lived with once who I would describe as narcissistic. His mother doted on him too. ‘Yes’ is the answer from me: he sounds narcissistic, he’s emotionally unavailable to you and probably always will be.

I’m sorry Mari. You’ve said so much about him and so little about you, your past, yourself. That’s a sign to me that he’s swallowed your life up. Where are you?

I looked for what you really think:

There's also his daughters..I love them. What will happen to them if I leave? 

You say if you leave. I think possibly if you leave he will find someone else to take your place (this is an N behaviour witnessed here by ex-wives and girlfriends who found themselves easily dispensed with). His daughters will have a new mother or at least a nanny (he could afford that?).

If you don’t leave, what will happen?

But this seems to me your statement of intent, it’s what you want (?):

I never wanted to be a single parent, but I can't raise a child in this toxic household, either. It wouldn't be fair.

Can I ask: you absolutely do want this child and you are willing to raise it alone? If this is what you want, then this is what you will do. How will you make it happen?

I ask these things only to put the questions in black and white for you to consider, because it seems to me like this is a critical time in your life, and the decisions you make now will affect you for the rest of your life. I’m not expecting you to answer, unless you want to talk about these things.

You seem to me to want confirmation that he is what you suspect. Will this help you clarify what you want? I hope so. Have you spoken to family or friends about your situation – do you feel able to do that? It’s okay to ask for help and you need support. Please keep posting if you want to. There are folks here who will listen and help. You are not alone ((((((((((((Mari)))))))))))

Edit in

Mari, is it possible that what he did to his ex, he may try and do to you? I ask this because if/when you make a decision to leave and communicate it, you will probably become the ‘enemy’ and he will treat you as such. I’m worried for your situation. You mention his suing his ex, which suggests he knows his way around the legal system. Please bear this in mind and … keep posting please if you wish.

A note if you are using a computer at home: remember to use the Tools / Internet Options / Temporary Internet Files – delete all offline content and Clear History buttons once you leave this board. 

[WRITE]

Hi Mari

I emigrated and found myself isolated when we moved yet again and I didn't have the energy to start over so I got a therapist first just to talk to but she helped me unravel what had seemed interminable and such a mess. I was convinced I was trapped and I couldn't see any way through.

Last week he told me that "it's all my fault" that he feels so alone and betrayed.

try not to feel too attacked by this- at least he's communicating some emotion I guess. Suggest he goes to therapy, see what he says?
He is clearly very insecure.
If he's NPD it will go way beyond insecure- he will think he's dying every time you withdraw a little or he thinks you are, and he'll act out accordingly.
After a while it's impossible to live with.

At the end of the day if he doesn't start working on himself you'll have no option but to leave, so start building yourself up and getting support for yourself now.

This is a good place to start- people will give you emotional support and practical advice.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Mari,

  I am so sorry that you're suffering through this... and the children, too. Big hugs to you.

Your husband is definitely quite self-centered, self-involved, and from what you've said, not willing (or able?) to accept responsibility for his own feelings and behavior. If he's truly NPD, then I'd say he's unable. Gaining Strength makes a good point about Borderline Personality Disorder, which seems to manifest primarily via fears of abandonment. I was married for just 3 years to an NPD man and for the first year, I thought I'd found the answer in the description of "borderline". Later, I realized that his grandiosity, absolute sense of entitlement, pathological lying/re-writing of history and word-salad/twisting  soon proved that he was much more. He sued me, too, after he filed for divorce. We didn't have any children together, but apparently he judged that his divorce action didn't create enough upheaval in my life, so he sued me again for contempt of court and lost. It's my view that a full blown NPD individual will stop at nothing to destroy a person whom he views as having abandoned him. He will not work with a partner in the interest of any children, even his own, because ultimately he sees them as threats to his mastery as they take his place in being the real "baby" of the family. I'm sorry, Mari.

   Can you find professional counseling where you're living now? Is there any way that you can return now to family/friends in your own country in order to receive care and support during your pregnancy? I really think that you need as much encouragement and practical help as you can find, and I know it's available for you... here, for starters. Please keep talking and sharing as you can and don't let on to your husband that you've discussed this. If he's NPD, that would not go well.

Take good care.
With love,
Hope

[Plucky]

Hello Mari, and welcome.
I am so sorry about what you are going through.  This is a wonderful time but also a time when you need support and absence of stress.    I'm glad you came here and I know people on the board will do what we can to support you.

What your H is doing is classic.  So many husbands keep up the facade until the baby comes to supplant them.  I am not sure what you ought to do, but here are my suggestions if you find anything useful.

Can you make (secret) contact with his ex?  It  might eb good to understand what he is capable of and what happened.
Can you go back to your home country under the pretence that you need different medical care or more support from family?  Can you take the girls with you?

And please, take very good care of yourself physically.  Make sure you eat, drink, rest, and sleep very very well!  Protect yourself against his finding out what you really think.

I am pulling for you.    He sounds horrible and perhaps you need to escape pronto. It's very difficult to think this way, but if you cannot save the girls as well, you still have to save yourself and your baby.
Plucky

[Hopalong]

Mari,
I am so sorry ... but I will be blunt.

You have been very brave and you are CLEAR. You are seeing what you are seeing.
You do know the answer and I believe you know what you have to do.

Your love for the baby is the strongest love in your life.

I believe it is very important for you to go to a lawyer. Now. It is OKAY to go have a hypothetical discussion about what situation you would be in, and what you should do NOW...just in case. Please do that.

I dont' know if you're in a large city or not. I live in a smallish city. At the time of my divorce because custody was crucial, a lawyer friend told me to have a free brief 15-min. consultation with all of the top divorce lawyers in town. Even if you've just talked to a lawyer for 5 minutes about your situation, that individual lawyer can never represent your to-be-ex-spouse. I had excellent representation.

If you are in a large city so that's not possible, then I feel it is your biggest and most important task to go and talk NOW to a women's center or talk to other women you know who have divorced and ask them (ONLY someone you can completely completely trust to keep your confidence) for a recommendation to a divorce. Just be sure that you talk to one. They are very practical and they've heard everything.

When I hear how you've been treated, I personally have many memories. And no doubts.

Strength and focus and determination to you.
I know you have more than you think.
And help and support and guidance and professional advice that will make an enormous difference for you are all around you. Go out, take advantage of his absences...find out the information you need to have to protect your life and your baby's (sad to say, I think you'll have to deal with visitation with the girls later).

Strength.

Hops

[Stormchild]

Hello Mari

Adding to what Hopalong has said here: it is entirely possible that you may be able to help reverse the custody decision, eventually, and help get those two little girls out of his clutches and back with their birth mother. Hold that thought. If you can escape with the baby, you may be able to help them escape later on even though you aren't able to help them now.