hi mari,
From reading your post, I'm getting the sense that it would not be OK for you to say the following, for example:
H: Why are you being so lazy, just because you're pregnant?
Mari: Excuse me? I'm sorry you don't understand. You seem angry with me, when I'm just taking care of myself and the baby. I think its best we don't discuss this until you've cooled off.. (walk away - it is OK to walk away, in a healthy relationship, people do this when they need space or feel like they're being abused)
H: Why should I have to print out my itinerary for you - you obviously ignored it the last time.
Mari: I'm sorry you feel that way. I actually did not ignore it, no matter what you think I may have done. Do you want to discuss this and get to the bottom of this and find a resolution? Cause you seem upset, and that is making me upset. I don't want you to be upset with me.
H: Why do you want to get intimate with me? (said angrily)
Mari: Cause I love you and that's what loving couples do (patiently). Is there something bothering you about the way I show my love for you that you'd like to discuss?
In other words, if you cannot even picture yourself having an adult relationship with this man - if you cannot picture yourself being the adult, and just responding sanely and calmly to his accusations/projections/demands - whatever they are...I'd say you might be afraid. You are afraid to be an adult because of his reaction. Why? This might have a lot more to do with you than him, and in my experience, this has been something I've been able to work out myself in therapy. Just because it's scary for us to stand up for our rights in the relationship, in other words, does not mean that the other person is necessarily abusive - they could just be clueless/uncaring/opportunists (but in this case, from what you've described, your husband sounds cold and abusive, yes). When my b/f and I first got together, he was at least 10 times more abrasive than he is now. I worried he might be abusive. When I finally gained the skills to 1) ask for what I needed in the relationship, and 2) tell him, with kindness rather than anger, that is when the relationship started to improve. In other words, we Teach Others How to Treat Us. You're teaching your husband his behavior is OK. It most certainly is not OK, though, judging from your reaction.
If you cannot speak freely about your feelings in the relationship, there is probably no intimacy, I agree with Brigid on that count. A loving relationship is about expressing one's feelings - good and bad, and not being afraid. You feel afraid to express yourself around your husband. For whatever reason, he is intimidating you (could be because he's an N, could be because he's cheating on you and he feels guilty, could be because he's just insecure) and you are afraid of his reactions.
I do think that going to stay with your parents is a wise choice for you at this point, provided they are not abusive/N. Are you ready to see this/come out of denial, if this may be the case? Are you willing to go to therapy to ask these questions? In my experience, finding faults with my relationships (which were not as abusive as I'd have liked to think, in some cases - I can see that objectively now - although some certainly were), always led to me running back to my abusive parents. It was the role I was playing. I'd screw up (pick a "bad" guy - my N parents never liked the guys, by the way), I'd go running back to N Mom and N Dad, and they'd be relieved I'd come to my senses, and that I was now back under their control rather than his. This was much more disfunctional, in many ways. Please consider therapy, as a gift to yourself. I'm not saying it will be easy, but you and your baby deserve it. You are a beautiful person who deserves to love herself and deserves to have someone love you. K?
hugs Mari,
p bean
