I wish I had seen Ella Fitzgerald before she died.
you can go hire a movie and have an Ella night!
We have to be creative to make the kind of experiences for ourselves that we want our life to be.
I said a few weeks ago I was going to make my bedroom nice. It's never been that happy a room for me until now, my ex wouldn't even share it with me, never mind anything else. I was hurt and frustrated and rejected all my marriage.
Last night I lay in my big rosemary scented bath listening to romantic music with a candle burning before bed and wondered 'why on earth did I never do all this before?'
It's almost as if in waiting for the perfect 'dream' thing I missed the lovely things I can give myself now.
Now any more- I don't know or care if I will be married or have a long-term relationship with someone else but I sure as heck will be having one with myself!
the best anodyne is trying to give love out.
it is Hop, but I would add a caveat: most people don't have any spare love to give out. I see every day people who are really mean-spirited, who will take and take and never reciprocate, and that's the norm. I used to take it personally, now I just realise they are wrapped up in themselves and not very organised.
I don't want to be keeping score- but it is frustrating when you go the distance for someone again and again and they take you for granted and then when you need something they are reluctant.
I'm in a social group and often will go to an outing I'm not too fussed about if someone isn't being supported just to keep things bouncing along. This couple I haven't seen for ages had an initial huge reponse to a theatre trip then everyone flaked out, so I got a ticket and jollied them along and in passing said 'we can do a drink after if you like'. The guy responded with something about having an hour's drive at the other end, let's see how he feels etc! I have a similar drive incidentally, and guess what- I'm busy and tired too...but his sense of entitlement makes him feel like he's got to be the one setting the agenda where I would probably go with the flow to make the whole thing a success.
I'm not whining- I'm just pointing out, too much of this and it gets to feel incredibly one-sided.
The guy I had a crush on did me a favour and evaporated my interest a few days ago when it was his turn to drive to a concert I had bought tickets for some weeks ago- he said 'I think I'll pass, I'm doing a run next day'. No thought of paying for his ticket or my reduced budget/ will I have someone else to go with/ it's my favourite piece and that's why we were going! It tells a lot about someone when they are inflexible about their needs taking priority- call it selfish, call it oblivious, but the end result is the same: I'm going to be feeling disregarded and unloved.
That prompted me to examine our 'friendship' and I couldn't think of a single time he had put himself out. Yet he's all over me when we meet as though there's this deep relationship forming. Well- it's NOT forming for me at least!
I told y'all a couple of years ago about the family who I adopted into my life, we were all so close and I was the second mother to the kids and we're all in and out of each other's lives. Same thing happened there. At first I loved them all so much I didn't notice that it wasn't reciprocal. We were all having a difficult time and we leaned on each other. Then the second Christmas I realised that though I spent many hours putting together the kids Christmas presents I didn't receive anything from one of them in return, the funny thing was I had suggested they make me desk pots for pens etc, knowing they didn't have much money. No, they couldn't be bothered. I remember talking to Portia about it, and realising- they don't really care. It won't matter how much I love them, they are just taking advantage. After that I was more mindful and realised that not only were they not going to respond- they actually thought I was a soft touch and were disrespectful of me and, what hurt in particular- mean to my son, who had been saying little things for ages that I had been disregarding!
I'm no less loving now- just more selective about who I love. I've found a big outlet for that in work, and I am starting another volunteer project next month with children of homeless families.
Sorry, that turned into an outpouring then. It's something I've had to accept and move on about, the way people will just take and take you for granted. I hate playing games but I am finding being less available and backing off when people are selfish is the only way to stop relationships becoming totally one-sided with some people.
Sometimes I don't mind the one-sidedness, like with my housebound aunt who really is incredibly needy and selfish in truth but it doesn't matter- it's just an act of kindness to respond to her many letters knowing that she's lonely etc. and I hope someone would do the same for me in the same circumstances.
But if I want to build reciprocal relationships- I am realising the unconditional love route can be disappointing if the other person simply slips into taking it for granted and is deep down going to be a needy spoilt brat!
End of rant...
