Need a Little Help

[Gaining Strength]

I am really struggling today.  I think that what is going on is that some months ago I let go of my anger and rage that was a scab on my profound woundedness and now I feel the anxiety that was buried under all that rage.  The rage kept me strong in a terribly false way.  Now I am just a bundle of nerves, very tired, worn out really.  Not eating well, not up to good personal care.  I the past weeks I feel as though I have battled through a layer of that deep seated shame that came from my earliest upbringing with NPD father and that I have been thrown up onto a beach of vulnerability and exposure - worthless and needing care - unable to provide for myself.  It is a very raw feeling - lonely. 

Is there someone reading this who can throw me a lifeline? Does anyone else see this as a kind of a progress?  Has anyone else been through something similar and come out the other end?  Could this be "going through"? 

I believe I am on my way through but some affirmation, validation, encouragement would really help.  This whole process is so painful.  It's like getting the chicken pox as an adult - it would have been bad enough as a child but so much worse as an adult.  I think I am now experiencing the pain of my childhood that I suppressed for all these years.  What a dreadful price to pay.  I am so thankful that I have not yet developed an addiction - if ever there was a time to numb the pain this would be a good one. 

Thanks for listening.  Thanks for this place where I can cry out in the wilderness.  Thanks for the gift of seeing all the healing happening here. - your friend Gaining Strength

[mudpuppy]

Hi GS,

Blowing that original burst of rage off from what has been done to you is a form of healing. Its kind of like the flash from a nuclear explosion; its followed by a risng mushroom cloud of residual anger which slowly gives way to a smoldering crater of anxiety and wondering what's next and where do you go from here.
And like the radiation from a nuke the anger will be there for a very long time in the background, slowly receding.

mud

[Certain Hope]

((((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))))

I've known the anxiety which flows from such a deep well of helplessness... feeling utterly incapable and unequipped for either life or death. Naked without the anger, in the midst of the dark night of the soul. Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Learning and developing and strengthening a new motivation to replace the rage will take time. In the meanwhile, I trust that God is holding you close now and ever so gently cradling you, tenderly, inviting you into His rest. I believe this, Gaining Strength, with every bit of my heart. Job endured so much, and in the pit, through the depths, he realized... (Job 42:5)  I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear: but now mine eye seeth thee. I pray that you will lean on the strength which is made perfect in our weakness.

Was just looking for some inspiration re: affliction and I'll post the link here, in case you might like to read it... by Ray Stedman,
titled "Why Does It Hurt So Much?"

http://www.pbc.org/library/files/html/3676.html

Much love, GS... this will pass.

Hope

[Gaining Strength]

Mudpuppy and Certain Hope -
Thank you both for your words of understanding an encouragement.  I will take them on to strengthen my resolve to stay this course.  Mud - that image of a nuclear fallout is very helpful.  I also got the image of receiving antivenom - if the venomous bite doesn't kill, the antivenom can - you just have to wait it out until they both pass.  Thank you so much.  I am so indescribably thankful to have found this oasis of nurishment.  - your friend - Gaining Strength

[Hopalong]

Hi GS,
I think your senses need to be engaged.

Even if there's little energy to DO, I think you need to take a short walk with one task in mind. No reflecting on anything, no trying to figure out/offset/anticipate/verbalize/sum up/fend off. Instead, I think it would help you to go for a little walk right now with one assignment in your mind only (well, 2):

--move my feet
--look at each green thing I pass and notice what shade of green it is

Then come back and tell us. I'd really like to hear about any green thing you saw.
(Consider me mentally walking with you. In fact, I'm going to make myself go move my feet right now. I want to sink, too, and once again, you've reminded me it's paralyisis, and one short walk is like one square foot.)

We'll deal with bath later.

love,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

thanks Hops - got my hair washed before going to silly movie with bambino - Open Season.  It was funny - felt great laughing.  will try that walk when I get back from grocery store.  I really know I need it.  Thanks for holding me accountable. - GS
Going to pick up anti-depressants from pharmacy and get some anti-anxiety from health food store. 

Such a strange place to be - sort of like dark depression but different.  not as oppressive but like being in something of a straight jacket.  Hard to function, hard to breathe. 

[October]

  Not eating well, not up to good personal care.  I the past weeks I feel as though I have battled through a layer of that deep seated shame that came from my earliest upbringing with NPD father and that I have been thrown up onto a beach of vulnerability and exposure - worthless and needing care - unable to provide for myself.  It is a very raw feeling - lonely. 

Hiya Gaining Strength.  It is interesting that you use storm and beach imagery - I have used that so many times in the past to describe what this whole turmoil is like.  I would build on that, if I were you.  You have been thrown up on a beach, which means that you are either wood or cork, or some other floating material.  That is good.  It means that whatever storms come your way, whatever waves and tempests, you are going to float to the top every time, even if occasionally you go under for a while.  This is good, strong, imagery, and you can use it.

I think of myself as either driftwood, or else as a cork.  In either case, sinking is not an option.  We just bob back to the top again, over and over.

Now think of that beach as a time of refuge and peace, and imagine the hot sun after all that storm, feeding you with energy and peace, as you recover.  You do not have to do anything, just be, and allow the sun to do the healing.

[Gaining Strength]

Hear, hear October.  I'll take that image and rest in it.  Do you think I might find any cucumber sandwiches on my island?  I could enjoy a mild indulgence - cucumber sandwiches and gin and tonic - a combination I've never tried but could come to love. - Thanks -GS

My indulgences this afternoon are kava, valerian, 5 HTP and Lexapro.  Hope to get off this anxiety highway in short shrift.  How strange that anxiety and depression often accompany each other.  I've treated depression for several periods over the past 5 years but never anxiety - though I suspect I have suffered from both most of my life. 

Anyone here have some thoughts about dealing with generalized anxiety as a result of the PTSD from growing up N'ed. - GS

[Hopalong]

GS--

Please be alert about kava kava...it can cause very serious liver damage!!!!!!!!! a little bit of valerian might not hurt you, but kava can be dangerous. It's been banned in the States...

I have GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and for decades had panic disorder with panic attacks. I found later that I believe I'm also mildly asthmatic. I don't take Rx for it now, but I did for several months and noticed a drastic difference in my ability to breathe in certain seasons. I can literally feel a low-grade inflammation in my lungs...but it's much better than in years past.

I do think engaging the senses can help. Water, lavender to smell, or even hops in your pillow.

I managed to get out for a walk and it did help me, though I accomplished nothing indoors today.

let's try again tomorrow.

Hops

[WRITE]

 I feel the anxiety that was buried under all that rage.

I am sorry GS, I guess it is a stage in your healing. You were in 'coping' mode for a long time, now you are grieving?

It really helps me to reframe the simplest things which somehow get negative all by themselves:

I accomplished nothing indoors today.

-except the calm healthy day I really needed!

Anxiety is a horrible thing and I would say it's taken me almost 3 years to be able to take care of myself. Even now I forget some days.

Stuff like a walk, cooking a meal, bath, music, candles can help ground you in the moment and I have taken to making lists and then setting them aside like 'all my troubles for tomorrow'.

My faith helps too, when I am really anxious now I pray and always feel loved.

And you are loved- and everyone wants to help.

[Hopalong]

Hi GS,
You doing better this morning? I hope so.
I'm writing to ask your amazing support again...when I get back from church I need to face up to the pile of mess that my rooms have become. And take an online job test I've been avoiding.

While I've been working very hard at work, I've been letting my depression over the job ending paralyse me at home. And since home is potentially my happiest place, I really need to tackle my own square feet. Which I've allowed to become overwhelming again.

(Well, actually, they're sort of rounded rectangles...6.5 Wide, little but fat.) 

I am sending you strength to have whatever kind of Sunday will be most healing for you.

And I'm grateful for any vibes from you and any others who could concentrate my way for 30 seconds. It's very confusing but I've really come to believe in...help.

Thank you!

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks jacmac

Let me  walk with you in your pain.

I feel just as you do right now.  I understand.

But I have grown and learn and will continue to grow and learn and overcome.

And so will you.

take good care,

jac

I thank you for walking with me.  Your presence  strengthens me.  I believe we
will overcome.  There is strength in numbers.

Hi Hops,

You doing better this morning? I hope so.

Yes - a little.  I have good clarity this morning.

While I've been working very hard at work, I've been letting my depression over the job ending paralyse me at home. And since home is potentially my happiest place, I really need to tackle my own square feet. Which I've allowed to become overwhelming again.

I am sending the thoughts of strength.  Thanks for your request.  I always benefit from sending such thoughts. -

thank you friends - jacmac and Hops - Gaining Strength

[teartracks]

GS,

Standing by you calling you by your name, not your condition!  Encouraging you and remembering that God chose you as His own!

teartracks

[Certain Hope]

Dear GS,

  Me, too... what Teartracks said. You are greatly loved.

Hope

[October]

Anyone here have some thoughts about dealing with generalized anxiety as a result of the PTSD from growing up N'ed. - GS

I saw on television recently a medical trial, on a very small scale, of a woman who has a stressful job, and her cortisol levels were checked during a normal day, and after reading a trashy novel.  The novel reduced her stress levels hugely.  The reason I bring this up is that I avoid medication, even though I have cptsd, which is an anxiety disorder.  I find that I am too sensitive to medication, and usually end up on high doses with all the side effects, while the beneficial effects wear off in time.  So I try instead to live with the demons, instead of medicating them.  What I use instead is support (such as this), reading (to get to sleep, and to ward off thoughts if I can) and music.

In terms of anxiety I find that if I reduce the base level, then higher level anxiety does not have the same impact as if I start off at a high level.  This means rather a dull life, in many ways.  No watching TV news, no watching thrillers or murder programmes except the Poirot level kind, and trying to keep on a generally even keel.  This avoids the highs and the lows, and enables me to keep adrenaline levels stable.

Something like that, anyway.