Disappointment

[WRITE]

One of the feelings that has surfaced this week isn't that big, compared to others, but it's something I have too often choked down because there was bigger stuff going on.

Disappointment. Little examples:

over the past few weeks the guy I had the crush on hurt my feelings when he let me down for about the 3 rd time in as many weeks by being unreliable and a bit inconsiderate- we seem unable to comunicate;

I realised my neighbour who I thought we were close hadn't made any time for me in months;

I was at a party and the person said come over next week etc then when I called her she had no recollection of the invite- I guess she must have been a bit drunk not being genuinely friendly- and I felt a bit of an idiot;

my sister I just got off the phone with I was telling her something about my work and she went silent and did that passive aggressive thing- I respond now with 'ok I'll let you go' immediately and she usually continues the conversation at that point, but I still have absolutely no idea why she does it and asking her directly she denies doing it;

my good friend invited me to meet his brothers and spend the weekend with them and still hasn't called me to set up the details, though I keep telling my childless friends I can't just drop everything and run out like they can.

None of it's major stuff, and I won't fall apart because of it but I am often getting a sense of disappointment lately:

why are people so unreliable?
why do people say things they don't mean?
why does it feel like when the person eventually reciprocates it's a bit late?

Like- my neighbour did call and come over eventually this week, and we had a nice chat, but she told me about all the times she's been out with other friends over the past few weeks so it's not just she's been so busy and suddenly I feel a bit hurt....and even though I know in my heart she's just embarassed at having been leaning on us financially and getting in tons of debt, and it's not about me, I still feel a bit rejected somehow.

Do you think I am just triggering residual feelings about other stuff?

When my firend called me 'leery' this week it made me realise I don't really trust in other people to be reliable or consistent, and I am creating this life where I don't have to rely on anyone because deep down I don't trust anyone.

[Certain Hope]

((((((Write))))))

  I think you are conscientious and thoughtful and many folks are not, so you're bound to be disappointed regularly. That doesn't have to be a curse at all, though! When we notice these disparities within relationships, we find plenty of opportunities to exercise forgiveness, that's for sure. There's always so much to simply let go... and you're in the process right now of letting go so much already... sometimes it seems like there's bound to be a "last straw". There need not be, though... not when there's grace for the day. Can't store up that grace, I've found... has to be refreshed every morning. Thankfully, it is, when we go to the Source. Remember the manna in the desert? The children of Israel tried to gather a reserve, so that they could take a day off from gathering. The stuff went spoiled. Grace is that way, I think. You've got loads of it each day... I have seen it.

And this stuff isn't residual, I don't think... it's current, daily, a thirst... and a challenge to continue returning to the wellspring.

You are a lovely woman, Write, with a great heart which refuses to be hardened. That, in and of itself, is a great gift.
This will pass.

More big hugs,
Hope

[Stormchild]

Hon, you need a new set of people, these old ones are all broken and messed up.

Only half joking, actually. Have you read "Safe People" by Cloud and Townsend?

Safe people exist. They're not perfect, but they tend to be reliable in the opposite direction. Right now you have people who reliably let you down. You need people who reliably care enough to try not to do that.

((((((((((Write))))))))))

PS there aren't as many of them, but they make up in quality for what they lack in quantity. Big time.

[pennyplant]

Hi WRITE,

I don't have any advice to offer.  But I experience people in the same way.  Sometimes people will even confide in me that others are hurting their feelings doing these types of things--and this person has done exactly the same to me!!!  And I'll think, do you hear yourself?  If it hurts you, don't you think the same treatment hurts me, too?  I'm sure they don't even make the connection.

For me, it's very hard to not feel hurt that I'm always "B" list.  It has been this way most of my life, though, for various reasons.  I'm working on just being good to me for now and developing my own insides.  If a better inner me doesn't eventually lead to better relationships with people who value me more, then I guess I'll just have to be content with what I've got--good family, good home, etc.  I've spent so much energy all my life worrying about just this issue and not really coming up with a solution.  Time to let it go, for me anyway.  I will never be so desperate that I want to cling to people who don't value me.  I would just like to get to the point where I think of it as their loss, not mine.  Still feeling a little sorry for myself and thinking it is my loss.  But definitely working on that part of it.

I think in your case, it is definitely their loss, not yours.  If they can't see how great you are, they are just very limited people.  WRITE, if you were my neighbor, I'd enjoy your company very much.  I mean that.  I hope the next real, good friend is just around the corner for you.  For all of us, actually!!

So, I don't have much in the way of answers, but you sure aren't the only one experiencing this side of life.  Others wonder about many of the same things you do.  It's just not all that easy.

Pennyplant

[reallyME]

WRITE, the following are your words and my comments.  I did the best I could to sound diplomatic and respectful, but also gave some advice according to what has worked for me personally.  If it helps, great.  If it causes anger, that was not my intention at all, so please forgive me.  If you can use some of it, go ahead but if not, throw out what you do not like.  Just trying to help.

WRITE: One of the feelings that has surfaced this week isn't that big, compared to others, but it's something I have too often choked down because there was bigger stuff going on.

Disappointment. Little examples:

over the past few weeks the guy I had the crush on hurt my feelings when he let me down for about the 3 rd time in as many weeks by being unreliable and a bit inconsiderate- we seem unable to comunicate;

  Communication is the most important part of any kind of relationship with anyone.  If that is lacking, you are not "relating" and there is no relationship.  If you are not able to go to this man directly, using an "When you do ______________, I feel __________ and I need you to _____________,' then there is a problem. 

I realised my neighbour who I thought we were close hadn't made any time for me in months;

Again, this is going to require confrontation with "I feel" statements, on your part.  My opinion.

I was at a party and the person said come over next week etc then when I called her she had no recollection of the invite- I guess she must have been a bit drunk not being genuinely friendly- and I felt a bit of an idiot;

Ok, now here I am concerned.  Why did YOU feel like an idiot here?  It was the lady who was getting drunk and then making plans she couldn't remember nor keep.  That's ON HER, not YOUR FAULT.

my sister I just got off the phone with I was telling her something about my work and she went silent and did that passive aggressive thing- I respond now with 'ok I'll let you go' immediately and she usually continues the conversation at that point, but I still have absolutely no idea why she does it and asking her directly she denies doing it;

Yep, I just want to tell you I understand this one.  These people that do this, are enough to drive you BONKERS!  Just remember, consider the source, and realize that THEY are the one exhibiting the issues, not you.  Love them in spite of themselves, and find someone else to talk to, who is able to listen and give positive feedback or just at least their attention. Believe that you deserve BETTER and expect that from "normal" people.

my good friend invited me to meet his brothers and spend the weekend with them and still hasn't called me to set up the details, though I keep telling my childless friends I can't just drop everything and run out like they can.

Sounds like you are good at setting and expressing boundaries.  If this friend continues to invite you and not give you enough time to plan, you might consider saying something like this, " Sally, I really appreciate that you invited me to come meet your brothers and spend the weekend with you.  In order to be sure I have the time and am prepared, I'll need advance notice.  If you don't let me know by ____________ (time, day), I'm sorry but I will have not have made plans and will not be able to join you.  Please let me know by _____________ ( state time, day again), so we'll be able to get together for this outing.  Thank you so much for your understanding (or, as I once saw put, "thank you for your ANTICIPATED COOPERATION"


None of it's major stuff, and I won't fall apart because of it but I am often getting a sense of disappointment lately:

why are people so unreliable?

My guess...because they are human beings.

why do people say things they don't mean?

Many reasons...unstable past experiences, because they are just cruel people, because they forget what they told you from one moment to the next, because they do not respect your boundaries, since they usually have none of their own, because they have mental issues...the list could go on.

why does it feel like when the person eventually reciprocates it's a bit late?

I believe this comes from a sense of BETRAYAL.  It could be a trigger from other events in your life.  I know it might make ya want to say "ok, now just FORGET IT!  It took you THIS LONG to finally let me know, SCREW YOU!!!"  The best thing to do though, in my view, is to simply re-state your boundaries with a logical consequence, keeping in mind that you are often dealing with "adult-children" who have not gotten the message that their are consequences for their behaviors.

Like- my neighbour did call and come over eventually this week, and we had a nice chat, but she told me about all the times she's been out with other friends over the past few weeks so it's not just she's been so busy and suddenly I feel a bit hurt....and even though I know in my heart she's just embarassed at having been leaning on us financially and getting in tons of debt, and it's not about me, I still feel a bit rejected somehow.

Oh gosh!  I want to point out something you said that will answer your question for ya....your neighbor:

1.)  made excuses instead of apologizing
2.) went on and on about spending time with OTHERS (when it was YOU she needed to be getting in contact with)

Please correct me if I'm wrong here, but doesn't that sort of make you think "gosh, she sure had time for THEM, but has NONE for ME."  THAT, I believe is why you might feel "a bit" rejected.

Do you think I am just triggering residual feelings about other stuff?

Well, could be, but again, I think just from that exact incident, you could have felt rejected, by hearing her go on about all the OTHERS she TOOK time for.  Honestly, I am the type of person who would CALL her on it....I'd say something like, "hmmm, it does seem that you  have been busy.  The thing is, I'm kind of interested...I was waiting to hear from you and spend time with you, yet you managed to make time for others.  I am feeling insignificant in your life because of this.  (Again, repeat the original boundary to her)

When my firend called me 'leery' this week it made me realise I don't really trust in other people to be reliable or consistent, and I am creating this life where I don't have to rely on anyone because deep down I don't trust anyone.

WRITE, it makes total sense to me.  When people repeatedly disappoint you, you tend to throw up walls and say WHO NEEDS YA!  I AM FINE ON MY OWN.  The thing to remember is this...even though we think we do not need others, we really do.  There are people in this world who are good people.  When you found some that are not, it's time to look elsewhere and inward, but do not classify all people as all bad, because it's just not true.

[Hopalong]

((((((((((((((Write)))))))))))))))))

I know exactly how it feels to be so sensitive to rejection, or namby-pamby friendship.
It's about loneliness, for me anyway...

I know how hard it is to feel I'm "needy" for friendship. But I've gotten more accepting of it.
It takes truly generous hearts to befriend people who are going through a vulnerable time and sense it, and not sum up the one who's in need as less than because of it.

IMO, you're NOT "less than" if you're feeling vulnerable and truly needing people to show more commimtent and enthusiasm about time with you. The thing is, I do think it's because of the transition you're going through...probably not that they're intentionally letting you down.

I agree with RMthat it won't hurt at all to be honest about how you feel--just don't be ashamed.
Nothing wrong with saying I am feeling vulnerable and lonely in this period of my life, so please don't mention getting together if you don't really plan to follow up. Another time I might roll with it, but not now. Thanks.

There I go writing dialogue, which you hardly need. But I do understand, a lot.

(((((((Write))))))

Hops

[Plucky]

Hi Write,
I hear you.  I constantly struggle with this type of situation and the mesages I tell myself as a result.  BTW, the messagfes coming from me are worse than any I get from others, which are generally ambiguous.

My best solution is to give people the benefit of the doubt.  This stops me from listening to that nasty old tape again.  I know that in my life I have let some people down or forgotten what I said or been flaky.  And I know that in most cases, it was all me, and nothing at all about them.

So, please try to tell yourself that.  Is it correct in all cases?  No.  Will it set boundaries where they eventually need to be set? No.  Will it take away some of your bad self-talk and your pain?  I think so.

Plucky 

[WRITE]

Thanks everyone, will think about all you've said.

I wonder sometimes if it's not the bipolar- I seem to be on a  different time schedule to everyone else, I have tons of energy and since I've been getting more organised it always feels like I am waiting on someone else. But I know often I just don't give people enough time to reciprocate.

What resonates most is what Plucky advises

My best solution is to give people the benefit of the doubt.......Is it correct in all cases?  No.  Will it set boundaries where they eventually need to be set? No.  Will it take away some of your bad self-talk and your pain?  I think so.

Tonight I went to a concert, my friend didn't show with his brother, I was $20 out of pocket on their tickets, and feeling pretty sorry for myself. The music distracted me but I was still feeling lonely and wretched when they appeared during the intermission, because they were late they'd been seated somewhere else but the lady at the box office had given them the tickets and they gave me the money. They were delighted to see me, and when i thought about it this friend has never on any occasion been anything other than truly reciprocal, he's one of my closest friends!

I felt I was wallowing a bit, enjoying feeling sorry for myself!

The disappointment is a trigger for an old pattern of thinking I think- that people can't be trusted. I think I may need to go back into therapy for this, I keep saying I want close relationships, and I do have close relationships, but there's a part of me is really afraid about the prospect of a close love relationship.

the messagfes coming from me are worse than any I get from others, which are generally ambiguous.

I know I am giving out strange messages to the guys who approach me, my friend is spot on with leery...

I wonder what it is? Fear of sex?

I've always wondered if there wasn't more to my accepting this sexless marriage for so long and never having affairs or only emotional affairs, and when I've been single never getting involved with anyone who was truly emotionally available.

Has anyone else gone as long as this without any real sex life within a relationship? It feels so scary to be so vulnerable by being emotionally involved and sexual at the same time.

[Hopalong]

Yes, Write. Oh yes.
I allowed my 2nd marriage to go on for 5 sexless years.
(Basically, I wept upstairs in an attic bedroom while he stayed mum. After the first 2 years of this, he offhandedly said, well, it's my problem not you...I did the same with my first wife and a fiancee...)

It was devastating.
My sexual self-esteem was shaky anyway, as lots of weird vibes and repression had had their effect...and this rejection drove it into splinters.

I've had very very long periods of celibacy. My entire 40s, with a meaningless exception or two.

Almost two years now...and I'm tiring of it.

I do feel I'm healthier now. Not perfectly whole, but that's an abstraction. I may be gradually getting ready to reach out again. No rush, but just a sense of that...

You're not alone and you're not weird either.
I hear that many people simply flower into joy in middle age and well beyond...so we've got time!

Hops

[Plucky]

Ditto write and hoppy,
the thing is, I'm just not interested.  It feels too intimate to do anything of the sort right now.    If it's scary, don't do it, that's my philosophy.    The other thing is, whenever I think I might start to get interested in thinking about getting interested in considering it, I see another one of those herpes adverts on television.  Yuck!
There are lots of people who just don't.  It's an option, either temporarily or permanently.
Plucky

[WRITE]

Are we all insomniac tonight ( and is it lack of sex- smile )

Thanks, I really need some reassurance lately about this. It's so hard to talk about honestly, people look at you like you're mad if they have been having regular sex, and don't want to talk about it at all if they have problems.

What I really fantasy about is being held before I go to sleep, I have only done that once with this one night stand guy, it makes me want to cry when I think of how tender he was, and I fell asleep sitting up leaning into him and he was half asleep and stroking the inside of my knee for hours...I wouldn't see him again either!

he offhandedly said, well, it's my problem not you

horrible isn't it, when someone says that, not 'I have a problem which is deeply affecting youand i am sorry and want to put it right...'

I feel like my ex is still pulling my strings a bit because I am too afraid of his reaction if I start dating too, so that's something I will prepare to be assertive about.

we've got time!

for me anything which isn't happening in the next two hours might as well be forever away! I'm exaggerating...only slightly though.

Off to look for off-putting herpes commercials as Plucky suggests!

Goodnight everyone. Thank You((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Brigid]

Write, Hops and Plucky,
After a mostly sexless marriage for 20+ years, I am a testament to the flowering into middle age and finding more joy than I thought was possible.  Of course, it does require finding the right partner and he doesn't even have to be in his 20's in order to keep up.    I sort of feel like someone flipped a switch and I could never go back to the way I lived in my marriage.  I know now that intimacy will have to be a big part of any future long-term relationship.

Brigid

[Hopalong]

Brigid,
I swear you're Hope on a Harley.

THANK YOU!   

(((((((Brigid the Middle-Aged BABE))))))))

You are a complete woman, you know.
Even with your fledgling flying.

It's your turn!

Hops

[penelope]

hi write,

why are people so unreliable?
why do people say things they don't mean?
why does it feel like when the person eventually reciprocates it's a bit late?

I've thought about this a lot.  And unfortunately, I think it's cause we're socialized to be self-centered.  Also, it's "weird" to be sitting around by our phone, waiting for that person who said they'd call us to call (shouldn't it be weird that they're not calling when they said they would?  I think so!)

I remember having the most relaible friends in childhood.  Funny thing is - I pushed them away.  But much later, when I was a teen.  I had friends that were loyal to me from grade school until highschool... now, I can't get someone to keep a lunch date with me, even though everytime I see them at a party they insist we do this.  What's up with that?

I have no idea, but I think we're just all too busy checking our cell phones and IM's, rushing from store to store, arranging parties & going to parties (the "A" scene, like PP said), but not really listening.  In other words, we're keeping ourselves so extraordinarily busy, we don't have time for good old fashioned proper courtesy and respect anymore.  I'd like to move to a small town for this reason.  Maybe in a time warp, people would be more true to their word.   

I feel this too.  And I don't know what to do about it.  I had to laugh PP, when you mentioned being "b-listed" as I had a good friend at my previous job (she sat next to me) who used to complain cause I was "a-list" and she was "b-list."  She used to say "the only way for me to get to go to a party is to throw one myself!"  I guess the funny thing is, I wished the b-list people would notice me.  I liked them, they appeared calmer, safer to me.  A lot of times, I wished those pesky a-list people would just go away!!!  too much drama for me.  I guess I attract it though 

Perhaps the way to get more b-list friends is to listen?  Really listen, and not expect listening in return.  This used to come naturally to me when I was a kid.  Somewhere along the way, into adulthood, I've forgotten...

bean


p.s.  not touching the sex comments   well, OK, I will say that feeling sexless is probably pretty normal.  I don't know though, I'm only in my 30's!

[WRITE]

Hope on a Harley

that's it, I'll get a bike! 

Funny thing is - I pushed them away.

I've been doing this a lot lately, I think I am afraid of becoming responsible for anyone, overinvolved, like I feel I have with my ex.

And I've been desperate to be 'independent' lately, and not shown much of my soft side.

Well last night another strange thing. Went to a concert, crush guy was there at first it looked like with someone else, and I felt quite hurt. Then afterwards there was a buffet and he was actually alone ( shows how warped I am the lady I thought he was with was an older lady nothing to do with him! ) and we hung out for an hour or so until I had to go collect my son and had a really fun chat then he asked me to go for coffee tonight.

At which point I started wittering and being a bit weird, so maybe my friend is right and I am not ready, or I'm too leery...but I said yes and I'm going to go and try to be aware of what is going on with me/ him/ us.

We clearly like each other, but I suspect I scare the heck out of men once they get too close.

I've also started to pay attention again to who is supportive in my life and reliable and to keep my daily thankfulness journal which had dropped off.

I'd like to move to a small town for this reason.  Maybe in a time warp, people would be more true to their word.

small town can be hard to fit in sometimes though, I remember one of my friends wailing 'I've been here 5 years and the only friend who visits me is you'- I was 80 miles away and she just had her second baby and got little or no support from her neighbours and friends.

Maybe in a time warp, people would be more true to their word

probably not, it can be incredibly pretty though!

Here's some strength for today Bean ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))