Brother never came

[October]

This should be no surprise to anyone.  I have waited two weeks, and he has not come.  I rang sil last week, and she gave a long list of reasons why he was too busy the week before, and would come this week without fail, on Wednesday or Thursday night.

Meanwhile I am full of anger against perfectly innocent people who get in my way - I hope that doesn't sound too insane.  I watched the news, and felt so angry, and yet it was nothing to do with me.  So lying awake half an hour ago I had to get the anger out, so I have sent another email to my brother, and made sure I included a 'when you ... then I feel' statement.

I have not been well this week.  Very tired, and lacking in energy.  I tried to cut the front lawn today, and I managed it, but it really tired me out.  Couldn't even begin to do the back lawn.  I need this rollercoaster to stop, and this is the only way I know of to stop it.  I don't think I can cope with this for long.     Boundary setting is exhausting.  Breaking down denial is exhausting (Nmum said to me, of b, today, that nobody is perfect.  I said there is a big gap between being perfect and being a child abuser, and that is what he is, and you know it, because you have seen it, just as I have seen it.  But she blanked me out.)

Anyway, I sent this, which he will not read until Sunday night, because every weekend he takes his boys to their caravan at the seaside.  And my d has not had a holiday at all this year; not even one day. 

I don't expect the universe to owe me a living, but why does it have to be quite so unfair, and quite so hard, even to survive??   And look how strong I seem in my email, when really I am falling to pieces and don't know which way to turn.



I rang sil last weekend, because although you promised dad you would come to see me during the week before, you did not come, and you did not phone to explain why you were unable to.  Dad said to me after you rang him, give b another week, and I did.  In fact, I gave you two. 
 
Sil said that you would come this week, either on Wednesday or Thursday.  I do not need to tell you that again you have not turned up, nor phoned to explain.
 
I am now very angry about the way you are continuing to treat me, and d, and mum and dad, and I do not now want you to come at all.  You are no longer welcome at my house at any time.
 
You will find the Christmas presents for your boys at mum and dad's house, together with James' birthday present.  They have been waiting here for two weeks, but I will take them there tomorrow.  Please collect them.  I will continue to remember that I have three nephews, whatever you choose to do about your neice and your sister.
 
I was really pleased to talk with (sil), and mum and dad were also pleased, because that seemed like such a good sign.  The anger I feel now is doubly strong, because of the renewed hopes that we had, and which have now been destroyed all over again.  I am not prepared to have this happen again, or to have you hurt me all over again.  I have been hurt too many times, by too many people, to let you carry on in this way.
 
When you make a commitment to visit, and then do not turn up, and do not ring or email to explain why not, that makes me feel worthless. It is no explanation to hear a great list of other things that you have to do, all of which are more important to you than I am, knowing that to you I am not worth the cost of a phone call.
 
Even when you were angry with me, I sent you a card and present.  I sent easter eggs for your boys.  I sent them birthday cards and presents.  I even sent (sil) a card.  You probably have ten times my income, and you didn't even send a card.
 
Shame on you.
 
 
October

[penelope]

oh October,

I know how hard this is and exactly what it feels like (I think).  Ns are good at getting our expectations up as high as they'll go, just to make the fall harder. 

(((((((October)))))))))

Please find a way to detach, to heal your heart and to move on if that's what you must do.  Let go of your anger in healthy ways.  You can get there, I know it cause I sense your strength.

hugs,
bean

[Hopalong]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((October))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I think if B is someone who doesn't know how to deal with his feelings (as in, he hits rather than communicates with his sons) he might have been anxious about seeing you. It isn't unique to him to just avoid the issue, but I know how frustrating it is.

(I have known lots of men to do that, though, even after promising otherwise. That doesn't excuse it...I'm just trying to say nobody's communciating to YOU that YOU are worthless...he's just acting out in a very very common passive way.)

I guess I'm trying to say I have a hunch your brother does care about you. Some. Not enough. And I doubt that he's going to demonstrate it in a way that will feel satisfying. Maybe not ever. But as I mentioned on the other thread, you did plant the seed.

After everything you've said about it, I think it would be very difficult for him not to think about how he's failing his kids...

Do you think there's a good book that's written for fathers that might encourage him to examine his patterns and try another way? I often send people books if they're important to me, and I feel my personal efforts to persuade them haven't done the trick.

I'm so sorry you're hurting, October.

love,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

October - I think jacmac has a point

It seems to me that informing him what you will do if he does not comply, or what you will do because he has not complied is giving your power over to him, and gives him the impression that he is in control of situation - and this may in some small measure be true because it seems many of your decisions are based largely in part on what he has or has not done.

In my experience the more information you give the more they use against you.  I urgently suggest that you take as much emotion out of your communication as possible.  Perhaps begin by pretending that there is no hurt and then in time putting a wall between you and your pain.  You can do this by anticipating his hurtful behavior and imagining your calm, emotionless response.  As you practise this yo will be amazed at the powerr it give you.  I have had great success with this with  my mother and my brothers and as I write this I suddenly realize that I have not done this with my N father who holds the power over me.  I did reclaim power from my mother and brothers simply by this method.  Once I no longer expected anything from them, nothing they did could make me angry and that is when I was able to see them differently and communicate differently.  I still expect nothing and I am no longer hurt by them.  I think this is the answer I needed in terms of dealing with my N father.  I don't see him but he clearly still has power over me. But not for long - thanks October. - Gaining Strength

[Hopalong]

Bravo, Jac.

Great stuff to wake up to.

Hops

[WRITE]

Hi October

sorry you got hurt again ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Don't take it too personally, that's Nism not you.

When I am angry I clean the house- my least favourite thing to do, then at least something positive comes of it ( even if I do bash a lot of stuff around )

Hope you feel better soon. I know the hope and disappointment is the hardest thing.

[October]

Thanks all.  I want to put individual replies, but I am not sure I can, but I really appreciate the time you have taken, and I know what you say is right, but if anyone can understand, my head can see the words, and see the sense, but my heart is breaking.  I need to get those words into my heart, and try to get some distance from this one.

I had resigned myself to losing my brother, and getting my hopes up this past fortnight has been so unkind.  You are right in that I need to stop expecting, and stop hoping.  But where is life without hope?  I need to find another place for that hope, I suppose; stop casting pearls before swine, and find people who are worth investing my emotional energies in.

You are right that my emotion is just giving him what he wants.  I had a reply, which I first deleted, and then read, but didn't save.  He said my post is confrontational and does not help the situation, and that it is very difficult now to consider visiting.  Very difficult?  I set a boundary, so it is not difficult, it is not going to happen.   

However, in the spirit of letting go, and achieving some Buddhist-like distance, I am not going to reply, and if I can work out how to do it, I am going to block him from sending me any further emails.  Time to put those walls up, and visualise some angelic protection to guard them, I think.  Far too much getting through at present.

I never thought my brother was N, although his wife clearly is.  But he is so used to being a co, and having me as sister co, that he still cannot see that the picture has changed.

But, he did reply ...  And now I do not give him any further power by replying to him.  I am trying to get this message through, but isn't it hard!!!!

[Plucky]

Hi October,
Everyone's replies are so spot on, especially Jac, I have nothing to add, except this.  I'm sorry you are hurting.  The hurt will end when you figure out how to evict this man from your heart.  Not your nephews, him.
(I hope I am remembering th facts correctly.  If not, ignore me.) Try to remember that he is a child abuser.  Abuses you.  Ignores and hurts your D.  And who knows what else.
I must have missed where you explained why it is important that he come to see you.  But whatever it is, rest assured that it is only a way to keep hurting power over you.
He knows that you know that he is abusing his children.  He can't stand you because if that.  Even if he doesn't show it overtly.  Passive aggressive is even worse to the recipient, but it shows cowardice on the part of the actor.

every weekend he takes his boys to their caravan at the seaside.  And my d has not had a holiday at all this year; not even one day.

Do you think that his boys enjoy being with him away somewhere with no other adult?  Do you think your daughter would want to be?   It sounds more like punishment to me!

He said my post is confrontational and does not help the situation, and that it is very difficult now to consider visiting.

Very difficult why?  Because you topld him he is not welcome?  Is he trying to act as though you have not set the boundary, a la You can't fire me I quit?  That is so lame!

Now ignore him.  Ignore him.  Ignore him.  Ignore him.
You can still send things to the kids.

Plucky

[October]

Now ignore him.  Ignore him.  Ignore him.  Ignore him.
You can still send things to the kids.

Plucky

I think I need to print this out, in big letters, and stick it around the house, until I believe it properly.   

Thanks, Plucky, and thanks everyone else.  I love you all.

[moonlight52]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((OCTOBER)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[gratitude28]

Amazing October... What ego!!!!! He read your post and told you it would be difficult to visit now???? Your heart should not be breaking, it should be spitting in anger at him. What an egomaniac. What a jerk. I know you love your brother, but, boy, he does not deserve that love.
Sending you lots of love, love, love.
Beth

[penelope]

I know how hard it is not to respond to these traps October.

I myself took months to stop emailing my N family and enabling siblings.  You will get there.  Forgive yourself if you mess up, and cause yourself more heartache and pain.  You can take your power back but only when its time and right for you, and if a little more anger slips past and you can't give up yet, that's OK; you're only being human and you're allowed.

It is a very unnatural thing, afterall, to have to cut off one's own brother.

love,
bean

[Hopalong]

What perception and compassion, Bean.

(((((((((Bean, and October)))))))))

Hops

[adrift]

Hi October,

  I haven't read all the replies, but I did read your first posting and wanted to relate an experience of mine.  I don't have any siblings, and of course always wished that I did, but I have many first cousins (in my dad's family) who live near me.  My dad's brothers and sisters mostly stayed pretty close, kept in touch, did things together and I always yearned for that same type of relationship with my cousins (the kids of my aunts and uncles).  There are two cousins in particular (twins, 5 years older than me) who are the closest to me in age (I'm the youngest of all the grandkids/cousins) and who I always thought hung the moon.  I loved going to see them when I was a kid, loved any attention they paid me and really looked up to them. After we all started our own families I really made lots of efforts to have a relationship with them.  One of the twins has a son nearly the same age as my daughter and since we lived (at the time) in the same town I would have him over to play, bought him birthday presents, .........and she never reciprocated.  One time I suggested we go walking together and they humored me for a short while, but then I'd see them out walking together and they'd try their best to pretend they didn't see me.  I used to absolutely dwell on what was wrong with me that would cause then to reject me.  I thought maybe I wasn't of high enough social standing (although in actuality I had married better than either of them).  I thought maybe I wasn't LOTS of things and couldn't understand their rejection.  At one point I literally lived in the same neighborhood, 5 houses down, from one of them and she would drive by my house and pretend she didn't see me in the yard.     I loved them, I wanted to be close to them, I wanted family, .........  After many years or torturing myself over this, guess what....... I now find myself rejecting them, well one of them especially.  Their parents (for free) live in a rental house I inherited and now the twin cousins can't suck up enough to me.  I've done and done for their parents (my aunt and uncle) because I wanted to and now the cousins are all chatty with me and are like "Girl, come over and let's go out" blah, blah, blah and it sickens me.  I've finally realized just how shallow they are.  They didn't have room for me before because there was nothing that I had they wanted or needed.  Now they need that house so they don't have to pay for another place for their parents to live.  What junk!  I don't need them.  I don't need people in my life who only know how to use others and the same goes for you with your brother.  Don't allow your brother the chance to hurt you again and again.  See him for what he is, a shallow, thoughtless person, and only concern yourself with people who are capable of seeing your value as a human and are capable of returning your love.

Adrift

[October]

I don't need people in my life who only know how to use others and the same goes for you with your brother.  Don't allow your brother the chance to hurt you again and again.  See him for what he is, a shallow, thoughtless person, and only concern yourself with people who are capable of seeing your value as a human and are capable of returning your love.

Adrift

You are absolutely right about this, Adrift.  My dad is no 73, but when he was 70 my b wanted an extension on his house, and dad built it for him, although he was far too old to even try to do it.  He saved b and sil about £30k on this, because he did not charge them, and b was supposed to help him, but was never there.  On holiday in france or at work or at his caravan.  Anywhere except helping dad.  And now that dad is too old to help any more, and the extension is finished, b is treating him and mum the same as me and d.  Never visits, never phones, and uses the situation last year as an excuse, even though none of us has anything to do with it.

I need to spell it out one more time, just so I can see it in black and white.  If a man and his wife hit their children in a vicious way for year after year, in front of their extended family and in private, and if at some point that gets to social services and they get investigated, the responsibility is not with the person who spoke out.  The responsibility is with the person who takes their anger out on boys as young as three and four, and hits them with all the force of a grown adult onto a child.  And the emotional abuse is even worse, if that is possible.  Even if she is the mayor of their small town, and he is a respectable professonal, such behaviour still constitutes child abuse.

Remind me, somone, why I thought seeing this man while he is still in denial would be a good idea?