trying to rediscover self

[sjkravill]

I am almost divorced from an N, and happily single.  In my state I can file after a year of separation (at the end of this month).  I am finally feeling like I have my life back.  But I have a problem....
I have lots of decisions to make about my future in the next couple of months, and now that it doesn't revolve around the N, I am not sure what to do.  I am wondering if anyone has had the problem of totally losing a sense of self in the context of a relationship with an N, and then being given the opportunity to have a self again, finding it's not that easy.  After 4 years of marriage to an N I think I have changed a lot, and I don't really know how to figure out who I am and what I need/want/desire (I wasn't allowed to have those things for so long).  How do you find yourself?

[fraidycat]

Hi SjKravill,

 Welcome, your in the right place and I'm so happy you found your way here . This is a great place for healing, everyone at there own pace.. I'm new to the board . I'm not sure I can offer the advice that more experienced posters can give but I've had the same loss of self. I think the KEY is to focus on yourself, your needs, your wants, your future... block out the problems caused by other people and just focus on you for right now . You deserve it! It will come to you. I have a Nmom she had me so convinced about my likes and dislikes ...now I'm finding I am not at all the person she tried to mold me into. I'm even finding foods that she conviced me I hated.... I like now, the food she prepared and conviced me I loved ...I don't like at all.( pretty crazy) FOCUS ON YOURSELF THE REST WILL COME.  I hope the best for you.

Fraidycat

[magnolia44]

Congrats for getting away from your N. Both of my parents are Ns and I recently cut them out of my life and it has been the best thing for me!! Wow, all of a sudden I have so much more energy and focus for myself! Have you read any of Anne Wilson Schaef's books? I found them to be extremely helpful.

You must change your inner attraction to Ns so you do not attract another one. Start nurturing yourself and telling yourself that "I love you and I promise I will be your best friend and make good decisions for you.  It works for me!

If you are at all open to some esoteric spiritual clearing stuff, I can let you know what helped me in that area too. Just ask.

Happy for you,
Maggie

[penelope]

hi sjk and maggie,

nice to see you back   

Finding ourselves  *sigh*  It's a lifelong process I think?  What do you think?  But that's maybe the beauty of it??

hugs,
bean

[Plucky]

You must change your inner attraction to Ns so you do not attract another one.

Hi SJ,
I can heartily agree with this advice from Maggie.  (Maggie, would you please share your cleansing rites?) 
SJ, You sound healthy and grounded.  Like a forest after a fire, give it time and the new life will thrive again.  Clearly, you have not been crushed and lkilled by the N. So the real you is in there, just give it time.

Plucky

[sjkravill as guest]

please do share the cleansing rites Maggie...

I have been thinking of getting my nose pierced when the divoce is final... I think that is going to be my marking rituatl.  I need some cleansing too though!

 I am scared to death right now because I will be graduating with my master's degree in May and I have NO CLUE as to what I want to do after that.... I mean I want to do PhD work, but I don't have focus, I am afraid I don't have the brains... I will have to take at least a year to do something like work in order to figure out where to apply...
It just dawned on me that the place that has been my home, and the people who have been my family for the last 3-5 years are all going in their own directions. I have the choice to go back to my parents... certainly it is cheaper, but I really like being on my own.  So I keep having these "transition" anxiety attacks about all of the decisions and the change that is coming up on top of major insecurity about my ability to succeed at anything (especially PhD work).  I am so worried that I am going to be self-defeating.  Like the anxiety will keep me from making productive steps.  A lot of my anxiety is related to my x-N relationship.  

Plucky... Thanks for the image of the forrest that has been burnt.  The idea that there will be new life, and that it will take time.  It gives me hope that this freaked-out clueless state will not always be so intense.

Thanks for listening to my panic attack

[magnolia44]

Ok, you asked for it. the spiritual clearing work I have been involved in has to do with the work of a woman. I do not talk about this to just anyone cause it can be difficult for a lot of people to believe. Over the years I have tried a lot of different healing, psycho/emotional modalities. This work has been the most helpful, long lasting and life changing. I do not claim to fully understand what this person is doing. All I know is that it is working really well and my life is looking up in so many ways because of her clearings.

When I first found out about her, I was a mess in everyway. I was completely drained by my family and life in general. I took a leap of faith and set an appointment for my first clearing. I had to wait 2 or so months and it was expensive. (You have to wait 4 months now to talk to her, she is that booked out)It was worth it. I felt the dark cloud lift out of my energy field and I felt immediate relief. I since have gotten 5-8 more clearings and each time I get stronger and stronger. My friends are amazed at how well I am doing dispite my hardships and utter lack of family support. I feel so good about myself now and I look forward to my future!

There is an affordable way to get the clearings for only $65.00 and they last around 3 months. (For this, you do not have to wait to speak to her.) It clears away negative conditioning like layers of an onion.

Her website is www.lighthealing.com. If you call, you can use my name. If you have any questions, just ask.

Phyllis believes that when people are ready for her work, they find her. I think she is a genius.

Maggie

[IamNewtoMe]

Hi sjkravill,

Glad you are here. 

I don't really know how to figure out who I am and what I need/want/desire (I wasn't allowed to have those things for so long).  How do you find yourself?

Thanks for an opportunity to reflect on this question.  It is such an important one.  I sympathize with your situation.  I was raised by an Nmom.  My husband is not an N, but I loose myself in him and others. It is all I know.  But I am trying to find myself now.  My approach: just jump in.  Easier said than none, I know. 

Here is an example. in the 16 years that I lived with my Nmom, I kept my hair really short because she likes it that way (she has really short hair, go figure).  When I met my husband, I grew my hair long, because he likes it that way. But over the last year, I have gotten tired of long hair. I would go to the hair dresser and tell them I want some of the length cut off.  they would say, oh, don't do that!  You'll regret it! (I had hair down to my mid-back).  So they would just trim the ends, saying as I left, "maybe you can cut it shorter next time".  I was frustrated.

So two days ago, after several non-hair cuts, I took a pair of scissors in my bathroom and cut it off myself (this is the jumping in).  i cut it shoulder-length.  I was very pleased, but I wanted it a bit shorter and more even.  Then yesterday, I went to the hairdresser with a picture of what I wanted it to look like (chin-length with wispy bangs).  Well, the cut I got was awefull!! The guy did not do what I wanted at all.  He did it in many layers.  My head looks like lop-sided football helmet right now. 

A couple of months ago, I would have felt lost, crying, saying, "the universe does not want me to be my own person with ideas, hopes, desires, .. or even my own personal sense of style.   Its easier for me to to what others tell me to do... being a person is too hard!" 

But today, I can look at my bad hair and say, "At least I know I don't like it"  That's me, and nobody but me.  That's progress.  That's the best worst haircut I ever had.  Now I can grow it out a bit, and try again for what I want.

So, my approach to finding oneself : Do whatever comes to mind.  Experiment.  See what happens.  Ask your self how you feel after you try something.  You already are yourself.  You are being yourself right now, and there is no way to do that wrong.

Good luck on your journey.  I look forward to hearing more when you are ready.

[tony001]

I think a great way to find yourself is to start by being good to yourself. Treat yourself to some really nice things, like a vacation, or some new clothes, something completely SELFish!

Then commit a random act of kindness to a complete stranger. Place ten dollars in someone's memorial fund or read a book to some people at a nursing home.

[sjkravill as guest]

Thanks for sharing your cleansing ritual.


I can totally relate to doing what other people want me to do.... The haircut is a good exampleof that... I am glad you are coping well!  It seems like the lack of self goes along with having bad boundaries.  I don't think I have very good boundaries either.
Does anyone else stuggle with the boundaries and self issues in tandom?  I really get mad at myself for being kind of a wet blanket, saying yes too much, etc.  I don't really know for sure where all this stems... But I think these tendencies were part of how I wound up married to an N for almost 4 years.  


 I am who other people (whom I respect) say I am.  Since I respect them I think they know more about life and even about me than I do.  I want them to like me... Sometimes I give too much of my energy to others.  SO the suggestion of doing something SELFish is really a great one.  On being good to others, I am always doing that... sometimes too much of that. and it leaves me exhausted and bitter sometimes.

[October]

I am almost divorced from an N, and happily single.  In my state I can file after a year of separation (at the end of this month).  I am finally feeling like I have my life back.  But I have a problem....
I have lots of decisions to make about my future in the next couple of months, and now that it doesn't revolve around the N, I am not sure what to do.  I am wondering if anyone has had the problem of totally losing a sense of self in the context of a relationship with an N, and then being given the opportunity to have a self again, finding it's not that easy.  After 4 years of marriage to an N I think I have changed a lot, and I don't really know how to figure out who I am and what I need/want/desire (I wasn't allowed to have those things for so long).  How do you find yourself?

Find who your friends see when they look at you.  That is one way.  Define who you are not, and what characteristics do not fit, in order to identify what characteristics might actually fit.  Some you will already have sorted, while others you might want to work towards.

I have very little self identity, because of ancient history.  At the centre there is a void.  But I can see myself mirrored in the eyes of my friends when they look towards me with love.  Ns never see anyone else, and when you look in their eyes (which is difficult to do) it is like looking into a black hole.  It sucks everything in, and lets nothing out.