Any ideas? This is a real head-scratcher for me
There are two parts to this, and if you think back to infant school playground, it should become clearer.
The first part is the 'I know something you don't know' part.
To an N, knowledge is power. They have it, and like everything else they have, they are not going to just give it away without getting something in return. They want an emotional response of some kind; any kind. Either their own or ours. So, they will give the information directly only to those who are going to demonstrate great emotion. Any of us have learned by now, I suspect, to use the deadpan expression when presented with information, and to respond in a matter of fact way, rather than bursting into tears or throwing our arms around the N.
That is why they punish us by making information either third hand, or late, or indirect, or playing my mum's favourite, the 20 questions game, which usually starts something like this. Me: Have you heard from anyone recently? Her: No. (Pause) Me: Has (name) not phoned? Her: No. (Pause) Well .... they did ring, but they couldn't stop long becuase they were going out. Me: So, they did ring? Her: Yes. etc.
The second part is the 'You are not allowed to tell' part.
They look the same but they are slightly different. Here is my own mum's version of don't tell. Two weeks ago, b rings dad, to say he is going to ring me, to try to sort out the family row. Mum tellls dad not to tell me, because it is between b and me.
Next day, m tells me, in a whisper, and tells me not to tell dad she has told me.
Later same day, dad tells me, but tells me not to let mum know he has told me, because she wanted me not to be told, because it is between b and me. He said, I know you don't like secrets, but ...
I fell about laughing at this point, and said, dad she already told me this morning. At that point he said he thought there was nothing she could do any more to surprise him, but this was incredible. (Not to me, I might add.)
Later went home, and sat there, with me knowing what they both knew I knew. And, because dad said, don't tell, I didn't actually say to them both that they are behaving like children.
Confrontation results in denial. If I asked my mum why she told dad not to tell me, she would say, I didn't. He said it was best not to tell you. This is an out and out lie.
Once you can see what is happening, it does help a bit, but it does not make any of us immune to this crazymaking behaviour.
I just thought of a third level to this. There was a family get together recently, and none of us were certain of the arrangements, except I was taking mum and dad. (I know, mad, but ...
) Anyway, we all knew the day and time, and half knew what was happening. So my aunt rang my cousin and found final details, and rang me. And because I was driving, I thought, fine, no problem. But I did not ring my parents.
Then b rang cousin, and then rang parents, to make sure they had a lift. So they found out from him.
Then dad rang me to find out whether I knew the arrangements or not, and when I said I did, he was cross, because he said, he and mum did not know what was happening, because nobody had told them. Which is not true, because b had told them. In other words, I am nobody, and I did not tell them, so irrespective of the fact that they had the information they needed, they were not happy because I had failed to provide them with what they wanted.
And of course, they could not have picked up the phone and taken responsibility for their own knowledge, could they?
Result: attempt to dump guilt onto me for not being perfect. These are not just glass half empty people, these are, my glass has hardly anything in it at all, and is about to run out completely, and it is ALL YOUR FAULT!!
