New and confused

[pennyplant]

Dear 5 years,

I hope all  your wishes come true.

Love, Pennyplant

[penelope]

Hi 5 years,

I wish for what Penny said too.

Also - I'm praying for you.  I sense that you're in a very dangerous situation.   I know how that feels and it's awful.  Please know that I am here rooting for you and your wishes, and I do hope that you will find your strength.

bean

[Plucky]

Hello 5 years,
I hope the weekend went ok.  Take care to conceal your participation on this forum.  I also sense that you feel endangered.  Please take care.  We need you too.
If your H starts anything with you, you have the ability not to engage.   Pretend you have a second skin and he cannot get inside the inside one.  Listen only with your ears and not with your heart, don't get into a fight no matter what.  Act like water that he cannot ignite.  If he wants sex, tell him you have a yeast infection, feel like you are going to throw up, or whatever will turn him off. 

Be strong, but remember that strength here is not to oppose him directly.  That will just tire you out.  Just ignore him for the most part.
I am pulling for you.
Plucky

[penelope]

hi 5 years,

Yes, as you get stronger and less codependent you will need to separate from him for your safety, it sounds like (emotional and/or physical).  He will not like that you're getting healthier as it won't benefit him, only you.

it could benefit him, were he a healthier person or getting healthy too, but you cannot control that nor would you want to try.  k?  (that'd be staying codependent)

You make your choices for you and let him be him.  The best advice I ever got was to take care of myself.  Now, I hand that torch to you.  You go girl!  You are an olympic athlete going for the gold (OK, or bronze) 

The ickiness of that sex thing was hard to hear, so I'm sure it was even harder to write it - do you need to talk about that more?  If so and its too embarrassing to put here, just PM me.  I had a b/f who used to try to make me do gross things when he got drunk.  Luckily he usually passed out before I had to do anything (and I never did anything I really didn't want to do).  It was still damaging to hear him demand it of me though.

hugs,
bean

[penelope]

Another thought that just came to mind:

i'm reading Trapped in the Mirror, Adult Children of Narcissists and Their Struggle for Self (started a thread about it in the What Helps section, if anyone is interested), so these thoughts are mostly being generated by reading this book

Elan Golomb, the author, talks about how Adults who were raised by Ns often stay stuck in abusive relationships cause they confuse this abuse for love.  The reason we think abuse is love is cause that's the only "love" we were ever shown as children, and its comfortable.

The challenge we thus face is to redefine what we truly know as love.  This requires change, which is always hard.  We have to learn new ways of accepting love (the real stuff) and also being loving ourself.  Fighting is NOT love.  Anger is NOT love.  They may be ways of getting attention, but they're not love.  So you will be learning to challenge these things.  I've been doing this too, so I know how hard it is.

It takes a lot of dilegence, a committment, and more Pain.  Why pain?  Cause changing is painful.  But its the only way out, and its worth it (or so they say). 

bean

[Hopalong]

Couldn't ditto you more, Bean, wonderful advice.

One small quibble?

The reason we think abuse is love is cause that's the only "love" we were ever shown as children, and its comfortable.

I think the word is familiar, not comfortable.

(We confused familiar WITH comfortable because we've never been comfortable and don't know what it is!)

for what it's worth,

Hops

[penelope]

good point hops!

[5 years of confusion]

Hello Everyone...

It's Wednesday and I made it through the weekend. There were several instances during the course of the weekend that I allowed my feelings to be hurt, but I am doing better about not letting it show. What still hurts me is the lack of affection, I crave it but have nowhere in which to receive it. My family lives so far away and a phone call does not a hug make. I know he senses this and withholds the affection to get to me. Another thing bothers me and let me throw this out there to see what all of you think. 

As I stated in my earlier posts, I made the grave mistake of having an affair during my last marriage. I have to tell you that I made an even bigger mistake by telling my now hubby about it. I told him this past weekend that I do not appreciate his having brought it up before. He tells me that I did it before and will probably do it again. I told him that it had nothing to do with him and he has no right to bring it up, but, here's the kick...When I try to bring up his actions of the past, ie...leaving town without a note, not being around for our anniversary, etc...He tells me that I keep bringing up the past and can't let it die...I told him that these are patterns and bound to be repeated but he does not see this...It is only my faults that he sees....Goodness, I am tired, tired of trying, of fighting, of being away from family...Now he is acting pathetic again, talking about how nothing goes his way, no one loves him..no one wants to give him a job..etc...I cannot take another 5 years of this and all I can think about is moving next to family...On a great note..I seperated all of the photos into his and mine without his knowing...the paperwork is next..

[Hopalong]

Hi-5 and High Five!

I feel how sad it all is for you now. I don't know any way around it, when a marriage is dissolving.
Keep posting, keep sharing and find what support you can. Have you found any sources of nurturing (maybe including hugs) in your community?

The high-5 is for separating out photographs, and starting on the paperwork. You are still functioning in spite of your sorrow and that is not chopped liver.

Hops

[5 years of confusion]

Hop a long...

Thank you so much for replying to my post and understanding the importance of what I am achieving..great huh? ACHIEVING..It has a wonderful ring to it..

Great news..I received a phone call from a company that I sent my resume to last week.  I already have a 8 to 5 job but I am looking for a evening/weekend/holiday job. I will take the xtra money and set it aside for my escape. I also see it a way of getting out of the house and away from him. I told him several months ago that I was going to look for a 2nd job but I don't think he took me seriously. Hop, help me with this dilemma...He is having a hard time finding a job and I know that it is his own fault. He is a Cerebral NPD and believes that he is too smart for just any job. He used to work in Aero Space but there is a lot of water under the bridge and he has burned some of those bridges, hence, no job.  Anyway, I digress... I know that once he becomes comfortable with the idea of my 2nd job he is going to want me to start paying the mortgage,,,I already pay everything but the electric and mortgage. I need advice..How do I tell him to back off, it's my money for my needs,,,IE..to pay down my credit cards..   I don't need more hassle then I already have.

I welcome your input..

[Hopalong]

Yikes.
Mind you, I am a double-divorcee, so no expert on resolving conflict in marriage, but I can't think of another way to handle it except to say, in advance, I am using the money from my 2nd job to pay off my credit cards.

Sometimes it has helped me to intentionally imagine the worst that could happen (a la Victor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning) , and then ponder what choices I would have then.

There's always...the next choice. So, perhaps if you calmly run scenarios in your mind of ways he may respond, and deliberately visualize your response (or non-reponse, which is a choice too)...you'll feel more able to cope when you tell him.

Hops

[5 years of confusion]

Hops,

Not long after I posted you my hubby called me at work. Now mind you he did not congratulate me on a possible job just to sweet talk me and bring up the possibility of my paying another bill. I reminded him that I was getting a second job to pay on my credit cards and he started talking about how we need the money.  Now mind you that he has not brought in a paycheck in over a year, just living on past investments which have now dried up. He went on to sweet talk me about how he doesn't show how much he appreciates me and what a great wife I am.  You know what? I agreed with him, stood up for myself and told him that he was right on both counts. 

BTW...I was given the job and I will work through the holidays at a local mall. This makes me very happy for I feel as though I will be able to experience Christmas through the eyes of others since holidays with him are terrible dissapointments, no joy, no love, nothing but gloom. 

Wish me luck as I am finally on my way to freedom...I read the post re: recognizing patterns and saw so much that rang true.

Once you begin to see abusers for what they are, you are no longer unarmed, for you recognize their weapons and the fears begin to diminish.

Smiles,
5

[Hopalong]

Hi 5:

What a wonderful combination of the capacity for joy

I was so happy because I will be able to experience Christmas through the eyes of others

and realism:

since holidays with him are terrible dissapointments

You ARE on your way to freedom!

(Don't forget to plan a private ritual to acknowlege your Happy New Year, okay? It may not be happy in January, but during 2007 you are creating that...and in 2008 it'll be amazing.)

Bravo.

Hops

[5 years of confusion]

Hops,

Your post almost brought tears to my eyes...thank you for the affirmation, it meant more then you will know.

I love the idea of a New Years celebration, you are right...

                        Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
                          And never brought to mind?

Yes, I like this idea....BRING ON THE NEW YEAR AND A NEW LIFE...

Smiles,
5