I went to a lawyer today and the news was that if I fight him for the house it will cost a lot of money. I could offer him 50,000.00. This is sad because I have put 80% of the money into the house.
The good news is that the police dropped the assault charges that where scheduled for court on Nov 17. I have learned that abusive men are now phoning the police and saying that their wife assaulted them. The woman automatically gets charged. I was overwhelmed when this happened and I was told to leave the house for 24 hours. I could have lost my professional licence. The event crystaliized for me how Narcissistic my Npartner is.Calculating and cold.
The restraining order is no longer in effect and he informed me that he will be back on Nov 19 but he will stay on the boat. I dread talking to him because I know he has no regard or conscience about our break up.
I am organizing documents, asking institutions for historical financial stuff. THe results are making my blooc run cold.
I do wonder why I suddenly snapped out of the trance of compliance and started to say no to him. God knows it nearly raised the roof with his rage and contempt. Setting boundaries got rid of him very quickly really. Even though my feelings and my heart were in complete rebellion against my adult intellectual choice.
At times I feel suicdal after talking to a lawyer ( I am interviewing three and boy are they different. ) I keep seeing the good man in him. I see the hurt little boy who can wrap me around his finger with his silver tongued entreaties. But I have made a CHOICE. I am getting out if I have to slither , crawl, limp or run. I feel the pull of him and the power of him and I am dealing with this through zero contact and a lawyer.
I did the EMDR and have some movements to use when I have panic attacks. These are usually when I am alone. I visualize my strong self coming to help my scared little self and I take her by the hand and gently lead her away from my contemptuous cold partner. Hey, We deserve love not this other crazy stuff.
Writing this reminds me to be strong.
The monster love I felt for him is transforming. I thought I could not live through losing him. I have moments where I feel like sweeping his energy out of the house like old dustballs. I litght candles and ring bells and burn herbs from the garden.
I just love the people on the Voiceless site. Thank you sweet friends for your support. It goies right into my heart and makes me strong.
Bless you
