as an adult, to walk away from an encounter with an abuser (whatever label you give them), feeling less than human in their eyes, and NOT recognize that the issue is with them, and you don't ever have to deal with it again, ......well, what am I missing here???
Interesting question D/S!
Well I'm a Christian for a start, so whilst that doesn't mean I have to accept abuse on one level it does make me feel I have a responsibility to help others, to be a Good Samaritan, and to 'turn the other cheek'. I do it at a distance, but I do forgive and I do give people chances and I can give love even when there will be no reciprocity or appreciation from that person; and it has been the love which has made the difference to some of the difficult people. Now I see it as G_d loves me so I can love them...I can't control their behaviour but sometimes I can influence it or G_d can, and I can control mine ( as much as a Bipolar can say that! )
I have a 10 year old son with my ex- I feel I can't walk away if I wanted to, and by being kind and patient and unwavering I think I have acheived more than confontation would have. We'd be slogging it out in court now to no avail if I hadn't taken a step backwards and said ok- you take what you need. Ex put himself in therapy when he finally saw how out of touch and cold he is; that has to be better for my son than the denial and anger we were getting before ( now it's more denial and geniality! )
Many people are reluctant to give up their families, D/S, and are willing to tolerate the painful encounters with the Ns to maintain some contact with the rest; because Ns so often want to be the centre of things and their good qualities mean some people don't see their bad, and others are drawn to their charming self, cutting out the N can mean cutting out the whole family or friendship network.
It's also given me a strong insight into Nism, to keep my ex in my life, and I no longer find it frightening when I encounter lesser versions in daily life; I know that people's bluster and manipulation is a sign of their weaknesses not their strength. It's taken the power out of the situation to be abused again to see through aggresssive behaviours and know it's nothing I did which caused them ( the message of my family was very much- it's all your fault; I was the 'scapegoat' )
In The Verbally Abusive Relationship Patricia Evans says if you are going to be around an abuser let nothing go- challenge everything. I'm sure it makes me jolly company to be around ( not! ) but that's what I've done with ex- broken record on the behaviours which affect our son. Course it's meant I've had to get in line my unacceptable behaviours too, so as not to be unreasonable!
And also there has to be a cut-off point with the level of abuse- some psycopaths are so dangerous they will destroy or even kill others and they have few or no redeeming personality characteristics to hold them back or compensate for being in a relationship with them. Some people should have 'run' tatooed on their foreheads- and if we ask the right questions and pay attention when we first meet they usually have as PP said 'red flags' all over them.
Children whose feelings are neglected or negated respond by neglecting their own emotional needs.
absolutely. And in my working class UK culture I saw NO positive role models growing up for happy marriage or positive parenting. I saw other people having more fun than us or more love in their families. But it was a culture of hitting, shouting, blaming, lack of affection, stulted ambitions, low self-worth and high self-consciousness. Loads of heavy drinking, loads of shame. No joy, no sponteneity.
When I went back last year I saw just how 'raw' the emotions were in my home town, how much the whole culture contributed to stultifying self-development and happiness and mental wellbeing.
And how resistant that setting is to change and growth. Telling people I've been in therapy elicited not curiosity or empathy but suspicion and dismissiveness!
When someone tries to change they provoke the response of their immediate family, their friendship network, even their whole culture- and we are programmed to be social inter-dependent beings and sensitive to the responses of others.
I understand fully why it's hard to detach, and isn't it something stuns us about the Ns- how they can flip their attachment switch on and off at will?
For most people it's a process of detachment and setting greater boundaries, and only cutting out someone who is too toxic for there to be any hopeful relationship outcome.
