G.S.
I can relate to so much of what you say and I think our fathers must have been very similar. I told my b/f today that I only remember my father ever saying one nice, comforting thing to me my entire life--and that was only because it involved my grandmother who he did not like or get along with.
I have been feeling that stuck and anxious feeling so strongly of late--so much so that I finally made an appointment to see my therapist this week. It has been almost a year since I saw him last. I honestly thought I would never need his services again. But I have to give myself credit for recognizing that I am in a place where I need help and it's OK to reach out for it.
I did want to pass something along based on the following statement you made:
My little boy, age 5, has been diagnosed with ADHD. No surprise - his father and I both are ADD. But at his teachers urging
I revisited the psychiatrist and he has us trying methylin. It definitely helps. I knew we would have to resort to meds eventually
but I would have rather waited.
This weekend, my b/f and I visited my almost 22-year-old son at school. He was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 5, but prior to entering kindergarten. By recommendation of the social worker and pysch who counselled us, we put him on meds at that time. He has been on a variety of meds over the years, but continues on Strattera today and most likely, for the rest of his life. But he is an amazing kid who would not be who he is today if he hadn't had those meds.
He attends one of the best state universities in the country, maintains a 3.6 gpa, scored a 32 on his MCAT's and is currently waiting to hear from the 14 medical schools he applied to. He also volunteers at the university hospital, holds a leadership position in his fraternity, teaches Sunday School, and sings in an acapella men's choir. We went to visit him this weekend because his choir was opening for a larger performing group at the University's Union Theater. I got to hear him sing a solo for the first time since his senior year of high school when he had a lead in the musical. I was so proud of him and every day wonder where this bright, talented kid came from.
But as I watched that performance and I realized the role I played in creating and supporting him, it really helped to diminish all those feelings of anxiety--because if I never again accomplish another thing in my life, I will always be able to be so proud of the job I did raising my kids. Being a mother and a wife, for that matter, was my passion in life. It was the only thing that made me feel good about myself and gave me the strength to take on bigger tasks. It was also what gave me the strength to turn my back on my mentally abusive father (dead for nearly 7 years) years ago. It gave me the strength to get through my divorce and try to pick up the pieces so that my kids could see an example of how someone can deal with adversity with grace and dignity and rebuild their life. I'm certainly not totally there, but I know they are proud of how far I have come.
You have been dealt some terrible blows over the last few years, but you have a reason in that little boy of yours to heal yourself and make a better life. It sounds like you are setting reasonable goals for yourself and taking the small steps forward that will finally create the giant leap. Don't give up, because that little boy who is creating havoc in your life right now, just might be the next brain surgeon, firefighter, or Broadway star and he'll need you to support him all along the way.
Hugs and blessings,
Brigid
