I'm going to start small here. But I am ready to start making significant changes. I am ready to commit to becoming functional again. The threads about patterns and cycles have really inspired me.
Now that I am on anti-anxiety medication I am beginning to be able to talk back to my fears. But I have so very far to go. Looking back I realize that I have suffered anxiety my entire life but have only realized it recently. After my husband died in 2001 I went into a deep depression and for the first time started taking antidepressants. Six months later I was diagnosed ADD and encouraged to start with Adderall. within two months I ended up in a manic state that had far reaching disastrous consequences, which included a group of friends turning their backs, losing my non-profit organization that I had built from scratch along with my salary (had just lost husband's income and inhereted his debts). My mother and brother were 2 of 12 people on my non-profit board and I later learned that my brother led the charge to oust me or close things down. My house had sever mold from a gutter than allowed rain to wash down a brick wall, eroding the mortar and flowing down behind the paneling in the basement. That work - just to get rid of the mold cost more than my gross salary and I haven't yet had any of the walls replaced or marred ceiling and wall repainted.
This is just some of the nightmare that I have had to face along with raising my son who was only 7 months when his father died. All with a delightfully N family. So I am not surprised that I have subsequently become paralyzed. I already had great difficulty dealing with bills and financial obligations which is a purely psychological effect of growing up with a controlling, wealthy, conflicted NPD father.
But today I am still sitting here letting time just pass me by and not making progress towards resolving my tax problems or anyother serious issues. While I have begun to get some relief from my meds I must face stuff that even the strongest would find stressful. So just making a list of the problems is extraordinarily overwhelming. But I must find the courage and develop a plan.
I trust this community and I am turning to you at this time because I am not ashamed of my failures here. I feel accepted and understood. So I want to address one of my first patterns that simply has to be changed.
I have developed a pattern of running away. When I feel support or acceptance or progress my anxiety kicks into overdrive and I disappear - just shut down. Some of you may have noticed me do this when we have developed a dialogue in threads or in messages. Just as I feel supported or encouraged the fear of failure is just now beginning to emerge from my unconscious into the subconscious with momentary peeks into consciousness. I will have to tackle this problem before I can move on.
Opening up this issue of anxiety has revealed to me what has bound me so terrible all these years. I can easily trace it back to earliest childhood and the quiet, jaw clenched rage and demands of my NPD, OCD, perfectionistic, perfect father, whom I wanted so desparately to please and be loved by. In so many ways across the years of my life - the harder I tried the worse I got. My T explained to me a couple of weeks ago that anxiety grows from an original source to associated concepts and onward like a virulent virus until it takes over. And so it has with me, so that developing a plan and setting goals are so anxiety provoking that I freeze. Just as developing friendships even on line leave me stuck - fearing inadequacy and rejection.
If ever I am going to break this pattern this is a wonderful place to start. Hops, you and WRITE may have noticed that I didn't communicate as much after you went out of town as I did before. You may not have noticed but I did. I simply got stuck. You can imagine if I get stuck in such a non threatening situation how I get stuck in most important parts of life that would be stressful for a normal person. I have so much to offer in life - this terrible paralysis is no way to live and I am determined to break this wretched pattern.
I am breaking part of it by actually coming here and asking for help. I am asking and asking with confidence that you (the community here) will be willing and able to help me. The help I am asking for initially is just a dialogue. A place to talk and be heard and to receive encouragement and support. Then slowly but surely I want to begin developing and sharing my plan for action and then I will be open for advice.
I have never had the courage to ask for help from people before because my sense of being unable to repay my obligation was far too debilitating. (That came directly from my father who told me over and over that we (our family) had more than our share and I should not take what others need. Plus he learned from his N father that it is self serving for parent to help their own children. How F****d up is that? Well today I am ready to break that pattern of not asking or of feeling that asking and receiving is taking on a debt that can never be paid, because here those who help do and no debt is incurred. We all profit by helping each other. That is the world I've always wanted to live in.
Thanks for listening and thanks for your friendships and thanks for your support.
much love - Gaining STrength
