overwhelm!

[WRITE]

A new anxiety got added to the mix today, something I haven't had to contend with for a long time- money.

I have to have a lot of car work, and an operation, so my savings are dwindling away and it's making me panic for some reason.

I guess I'll just have to trust things will be ok.

Do you think this is part of me wanting to control all outcomes? Something else I want to post about...

[WRITE]

I just called a friend and talked about the financial issues- she said 'welcome to the real world!'

Maybe I've been sheltered that way...it is new to not have a partner to share worries about that with, my ex is very good at that kind of practical thing, and makes way more money than I do too.

Soothing yourself is hard, it feels more natural to talk about it to someone and more like 'doing something' than just mulling it over alone.

I can feel the anxiety welling up, not sure what to do with it and it does enhance the feeling of loneliness too.

Strange I can have all these emotions going on and not be falling apart, strange for me I mean; tonight I've gotten cross, irritated and upset but I am still calm deep down, just frustrated and anxious.

Maybe it's a normal progression to becoming single and independent.

[Gaining Strength]

Could it have to do with being all on your own, with no financial safety net?  Change of marital status can really mess with our sense of security - especially financial and it may stay back in the subconscious until it grabs you.

You've been through so much WRITE: divorce, (almost), move, a new life - but not yet.  So much back and forth.  You've been very strong but in the end it is never easy to be alone - again.  It is hard to be without someone to support and comfort us in our struggles even if it is hard to be with them.

That fear is not surprising considering what you have been and are going through.

Hang in there.  These fears will pass.  I don't say that lightly because it risks belittling the problem.  I say it because I truly feel that these fears though based on realities in your life are emerging out of the upheaval you are experiencing.

your friend and connoisseur of fear and anxiety - Gaining Strength

[WRITE]

Thanks GS.

I do feel fearful, keep thinking of the Desiderata: many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

think I'll give up trying to make any sense and just chop wood, haul water for a few days....certainly plenty of mindless tasks around here need doing!

[Dazed1]

Hi Write,

So sorry to hear about the anxiety.

Perhaps I overstate this, but sometimes, I feel like the Queen of Panic Attacks. 

I've made 3 trips to the emergency room, thought I was dying when my heart wouldn't stop racing (drinking coffee didn't help).  Now, when I have a Panic Attack, I know that it's just a Panic Attack and I experience it; I lie down and try to calm down and then it goes away.  If you can't lie down, try to sit or stand and try to calm yourself.

Here's what my x-zen therapist taught me about anxiety and panic (it works pretty well):  let yourself feel the feeling, don't fight it, don't suppress it.  let the feelings of anxiety and panic wash over you AND while you are doing this, DETACH YOURSELF from your feelings of anxiety and panic.  Thus, while you are feeling the anxiety and panic, become an OBSERVER of your feelings and say to yourself "I am feeling panic and anxiety", "so, this is what anxiety and panic feel like".  The idea is to acknowledge to yourself that you are experiencing a feeling and like ALL FEELINGS, the feelings of anxiety and panic will end.

This last point is very zen:  All things are transient; life is transient.  All things eventually end.  Thus, your anxiety and panic will eventually end and you will feel better. 

Also, when you feel the anxiety and panic arising, just acknowledge your bodily sensations and then try to calmly calm yourself. Do deep slow breathing.

When you feel calm, try to think of a solution to the problem.  Don't beat yourself up if you can't find a solution immediately.  It's a process.

And, that's all there is to it.  Easy, huh?  It's a snap.

By the way, I am also alone, so I really relate.

Hugs & love,
dazed

[WRITE]

Thank you so much dazed. I will try that. I find things so much easier to cope with if I have formulae for 'what to do with them'.

Don't beat yourself up if you can't find a solution immediately.  It's a process.

It doesn't take many things to go wrong to cause anxiety when you live alone does it. There is no immediate solution to 'I just watched my savings fall away due to unexpected bills' though I have been saying I would write a couple of articles this month, that might cover some of it.

I have drunk coffee a couple of times this week, I will stop that right away, I know it's not good for me. I am so tired this week- moving house has really taken it out of me.

Telling my guy friend I want us to back off has taken some of my energy away too- it's so much easier to be light-hearted when there's a relationship to look forward to!

Something I read yesterday made me think a lot though, about interpreting situations, and what is your internal response when something goes wrong or disappoints.

I can still hear negative thoughts about things never working out, lonelinesss and rejection.

The therapy session was really useful this week, it is $125 each time so I can't budget for a weekly session like I did before. But it is good to know it's there and I can dip into it when I need that perspective.

Bipolar means having to manage finances really closely or they run out of control quickly; I think that's a legitimate source of some of my panic too. Though when I look at it logically unexpected high dollar expenses isn't the same as running around manically spending on things I don't have to...

I'm not always very logical am I!

[Gaining Strength]

fear is never logical - and fear feeds on itself.

letting the feelings wash over you as you detach makes sense but for me because fear feeds on fear I have to stop it and call it a false feeling.  I woke up today tackling my fears be setting up small projects.  Until now (meds) even small projects sent me to the strait jacket.  I am talking to myself with positive things over and over.  Focusing on logic. - GS

[Dazed1]

Hi Write,

Reading the posts, I see you recently divorced.  So sorry to hear that.  Also, you have justed moved.

Write, it's no wonder you feel anxiety.Divorce and moving are stressful in and of themselves, but here, you have both.  Also, so sorry to hear about the operation.

In my uneducated opinion, stress, anxiety and panic are "normal" repsonses.  So, don't be harsh to yourself. 

You are entering a brave new world and it's scary.  It is frightening to face unknown new reality.  And, then there's telling the new guy friend to back off, plus money problems:  mix all these things together and you have a stress, anxiety and panic soup. So, I think feeling stress, anxiety and panic are "normal".

My analysis is based on my recent experiences where my former T confirmed for me that all the things I was experiencing were classic triggers for stress, anxiety and panic. 

When I am in a "calm" mood, I try to analyze each element causing me stress, anxiety and panic.  This makes me feel better because I breakdown each event/issue and analyse each event/issue separately.  Thus, I don't feel so overwhelmed by a massive glob of problems.  And, it seems you have already done this because you're thinking about writing an article to make extra money.  Good job!  You're doing it.

Don't neglect your body.  Try to feel enjoyment.  Take warm baths and get enough sleep.  I find that a lot of the stress, anxiety and panic are sensations which I feel in my body and thats what freaks me out.

Regarding your point about being alone, I am learning the following (and this is echoed by the gagillion self help books I read):  There's really only one person in this world that you need to feel comfortable with and that person is YOU.  So, even if one is in a relationship, one must feel comfortable and at peace with one's self.

So, even if you don't have a partner, you still have (and will always have) YOU.  So, get to know you, be kind and gentle to you, don't beat yourself up.

Fear
This is what I am learning:  When I feel fear, I look at what is underlying the fear and I NAME it.  Once I name what issue underlies the fear, I feel stronger because maybe I feel like I'm not letting the fear scare me.  I try to confront the fear and face the Truth and I feel better; I feel more in control or I feel I have a greater understanding of what is causing the fear.  Then I switch on my logical mind and ask myself what I can do to improve the problem which causes the fear.

I learned something new:  Don't ruminate on problems.  Try to find a solution and then take a break and move on to something else.  Return to problem solving when in a better state of mind, but don't ruminate.

Also, I listened to an audio book called "Feel the Fear and do it any way".  It was helpful, but I love the title:"Feel the Fear and do it any way".

"Feel the Fear and do it any way" is one of my new mottos; not that I always live up to it, but it feels good just to say these words.

Negative Thoughts
Where do I begin with this one?  So much has been written on negative thoughts.  All the "experts" essentially say the same thing:  One must re-program one's mind and substitute positive thoughts.  It's true.  It's freakin hard to do, but it does work and it is WORK.  So, I'm working on this too.

Helpful hint(?):  My T said that when I feel negative thoughts, I should become an OBSERVER of my negative thoughts and say to myself "oh, there's those negative thoughts" and even try to visualize the negative thoughts as if they were dust floating in the air and point to them and then watch them float away.  Then replace the negative thoughts with positive thoughts.  Kinda works for me.

Another idea: Feelings like negative thoughts, panic, fear, etc are impermanent, they come and go.  We are always in a state of flux.  Feelings like negative thoughts, panic, fear, etc do not define you and in the next moment, you always have the ability to feel better.  This stuff is very zen, which I kinda like.

It's all easy, huh?  NOT!!!   this stuff is hard work but it's gratifying because working on myself makes me (ultimately) feel better, stronger and more SANE.  Facing the fear, panic, negative thoughts is draining and painful, but I think I will come out through the other side. 

((((((dazed)))))

[Hopalong]

Dazed, thank you. This is really wonderfully helpful. I didn't realize there was someone here who undertood anxiety disorder so well.

And GS, thank you too.

(((((((((((((Write))))))))))))))
Your psyche got all juggled around in the moving van, hon. It's the 2nd biggest stressor on some lists of major life stressors, second only to losing someone to death. So you've moved, divorced, let your son go live with his father, said farewell to a relationship you had hopes about, and had difficulty with a co-worker.

Chamomile and singing. I know you'll be okay.

Hops

[WRITE]

So you've moved, divorced, let your son go live with his father, said farewell to a relationship you had hopes about, and had difficulty with a co-worker.

Chamomile and singing. I know you'll be okay.

When you list it like that I guess I am expecting a lot of myself not to have a few off days....

I think you're right Hops. I feel hopeful again today! I'll be fine.

Dazed I love that phrase: feel the fear and do it anyway! It's a great reminder.

I am talking to myself with positive things over and over. 

You are right GS, and it's when I stop doing that ( and maybe start with some of the old negative tapes ) I get in a state.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend, back Monday.

[mudpuppy]

25“Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?
26 Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?
27 Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
28 “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin;
29 and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
30 Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
31 “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’
32 For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.
33 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.
 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

[Hopalong]

Thank you, Mud.

It is so beautiful.
I need to pick up that book again.

thanks very much.

Hugs,
Hops

[moonlight52]

Hello Mr Mudd Sir,

My thanks as well to be added ............

So much Love to you and then more.

Blessings and kind grace,

m

[October]

A new anxiety got added to the mix today, something I haven't had to contend with for a long time- money.

I have to have a lot of car work, and an operation, so my savings are dwindling away and it's making me panic for some reason.

I guess I'll just have to trust things will be ok.

Do you think this is part of me wanting to control all outcomes? Something else I want to post about...

You are clearly very well able to handle financial matters, Write.  You put that money into your savings for a rainy day, and now it is raining.

I do not see any problem with that; that is what you intended the savings for, and they are doing their job.

You already have some plans in place for increasing your income, and no doubt when things get more stable you will decide to increase the savings pot, in case the next rain storm is even heavier, but at present you are doing really well.

And this may seem really like the end of the world to you, but you are a long way from that, imo.  Have you not thought that you can always take out a loan, too.  Most people have one, and there is no reason for you to starve when things get bad.  Borrow money, and then pay it back when you can, and then replace the savings.

I had no loans of any kind until long after I lost my job, and spent my savings, bit by bit.  And strangely enough, every time you think you have hit rock bottom financially, there is another layer to go.  After 6 years I am still nowhere near the bottom really, although I never have a bean in my purse.  So don't worry.  From here it looks as if you have everything well under control.

[WRITE]

Thanks Mud, I do believe in that with all my heart, and that we only get what we need from G_d- and I have all I need.
Thanks for reminding me.

I need to pick up that book again.
 

strangely enough, every time you think you have hit rock bottom financially, there is another layer to go.  After 6 years I am still nowhere near the bottom really, although I never have a bean in my purse.  So don't worry.  From here it looks as if you have everything well under control.

Thanks October.

I probably need to relax and calm down a bit. I am not very good at letting go of things, I had it in mind to keep by my savings and add to them, but you are right, this is what they are for. I'll have another opportunity to build them up later.

The operation will cost a maximum of $2500 out of pocket for me ( insurance will cover the rest ) and I can set up a monthly payment plan or put it on my credit card if necessary.

Loans are probably out for a bit because I only just started building my own credit rating. But I guess that won't take long.

Some nice things happened this week:

my ex came over and cut all the grass for the property I am leaving so I didn't strain the hernia. It is so refreshing when he does something spontaneously generous. He seems so happy in his new place living with our son and my dog, it's been a new start for him. He was paying a therapy bill in a pile of paperwork so he must still be going to that too.

I've had two dinner invites from friends who want to cook for me! Good, because my place is such a tip with boxes everywhere.

I did get the other house emptied and cleaned though, so I am done with that and can concentrate on sorting here out now.

And the work problem I had has been resolved to everyone's satisfaction, with the roles and boundaries being more clear and the work more evenly distributed; the manager was really kind and complimentary so I will stay and see how it goes.

I wonder if my anxiety has gone up because I was so busy and didn't keep the Thankfulness Journal and concentrate on positives- then the negatives overwhelmed me?

I also made sure I got an extended sleep last night, I think I'm definitely more anxious when I am tired. Missed church, so I prayed whilst I did all the menial tasks!

do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

I'm back to lists too- disorganisation makes me anxious and stressed. If I can see what needs doing for today I can worry about the rest tomorrow!

Onions cooking for my pasta sauce, going to empty a box or two and sort out tomorrow's lesson plan. Teaching a Kindergarten class in the morning, which I love.