Classic N-Mom Moment

[tony001]

Last night my Mom came to visit. She's narcissistic but not as bad as my stepdad. I was telling her about Operation Christmas Child, it's a program put on by Graham Ministries. You fill a shoebox with things a child from a third world country might want or need for Christmas, enclose a check for $7.00 to cover shipping costs, and then drop it off at a designated church. So I finished my box and told my Mom about the program. (I menitoned a story I read on the OCC website about a child who received a toothbrush and toothpaste who had never brushed her teeth before.) Did she say "I'm proud of you for doing something so selfless." or "That's a great program." or "How sweet"? No. She said "Our neighbor tried to get me to go to India with him last year to help Tibetan refugees. I was afraid of terrorism, but I think I shall go next year. I will be on a team of medical personnel helping refugees. Some of these children don't even know how to use a toothbrush." Keep in mind my mother has NEVER done any kind of charity or volunteer work.

She took something that was about me and turned it into something about her. I mean my act of charity is REAL, it's really happening. Her act of charity is a FANTASY. But deserves the spotlight. I also found it interesting that she took a fact she gleened from my comments and used it in her comment as if it had originated from her infinite wisdom.

[WRITE]

in some contexts Nism is funny- and I hope you remind her of her pledged trip to teach people to use toothbrushes next winter!

Covert charity giving isn't really an N thing- why do it if you can't get every ounce of attention out of it....

[tony001]

in some contexts Nism is funny- and I hope you remind her of her pledged trip to teach people to use toothbrushes next winter!

Covert charity giving isn't really an N thing- why do it if you can't get every ounce of attention out of it....

That is SO true. If my mom ever went to do relief work in another country we would never hear the end of it. She would probably believe she deserved the Nobel Peace Prize. The sad fact is that she probably believes she deserves the prize just for THINKING about going to Tibet to help refugees. I'll be sure to follow up on her mission to bring dental hygeine to the children of Tibet. LOL

[liberty]

Hi Tony,

I understand this. my mother is the quickest topic changer in the west! She always invalidates everthing that I feel or experience.

One time, one of her neighbours was held up and she called me to tell me how upset she was and how horrible it must have been and she went on and on and on. When i suggested that she call  the neighbour or at least make a visit (she was so upset and she did not even call the neighbour???) she just continued with her rambling (because she was the most upset person in the world). i reminded her that her neighbour was a psychologist and had tools necessary to make a recovery and i also pointed out that I was the victim of a home invasion as well (a few years prior) and that time does heal these wounds.

She informed me that I was young and so what I experienced could not have been that bad. Her neighbour was older and older people feel these things more.

There you go. It's better just to say nothing about yourself!!

[Hopalong]

older people feel these things more.

ARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 

Hopalong

[SilverLining]

I think you make a great assessment of some classic N-ish behavior Tony.   Her fantasies are more important than your reality.   The thing with the toothbrush strikes me as a subtle insult.  The stuff you do isn't valuable until she goes over there to teach them how to use it.  She takes the limelight and manages to put you down in a couple of quick sentences.  

My father is a master at this kind of stuff.  I can mention something that I have done, and he will automatically "one up" it.   Sometimes it gets really weird.  In a recent conversation I mentioned I had just visited an interesting museum on a trip through the midwest.  He immediately counters with "if you are going to go to a museum, it needs to be ...."  and he goes on to describe in detail a place he has never even been.  It's just something he read about in a magazine or travel guide.   His fantasies are more important than my "reality".   Taken in itself, the conversation isn't such a big deal, but if this is the only kind of interaction we experience with our parents?  

[gratitude28]

My mom gave an old computer to a family once and talked about it for ages... like no one had ever done it before and she had saved the family... She also always says sheis going to give to charity or do charity work or such... but when it boils down to it, she is too selfish to give away what is "hers." This week I got a box from her... things I bought and didn't have room to carry back in my suitcase (just a small Priority-box size full of this and that). I left them at her house as she said it was no bother to send them to us. Of course, that was back in July. So I got them this week. She had added in one thing... some cutout letters she made with her card making supplies. She asked me daily if I had received the package and I was supposed to be soooooooo excited when I did. The tiny favor I asked her to do turned into an, "I sent you and the kids a box" (of MY stuff... 4 months later) and I was supposed to jump up and down with joy.
My MIL sends the kids stuff just for fun and we don't have to play a game of being so thrilled about it (we usually are, though, because she finds fun, cool stuff that we can't find here).
OK, enough of my venting. Thanks for opening the floodgates, Tony.
Love, Beth

[GAP]

There you go. It's better just to say nothing about yourself!!


I think you hit the nail on the head.  I try to limit talking about myself in front of certain family members that way I avoid negative jabs, one up man ship and judgement. 

[Stormchild]

I got so fed up with the conspicuous charity of Ns that I actually wrote a hymn about it. This hymn has never been performed. It was inspired by one too many after-sermon coffees with the revoltingly self-satisfied... Read with caution; it is EXTREMELY sarcastic.

"Over There"

In a land across the sea,
People dwell in misery.
For their plight I deeply care;
They are safely Over There.

As I drive to work each day,
I pass a homeless man, each way.
I give him all that I can spare -
He is also Over There.

Over There, Over There
Look at me, how much I care!
I'm so loving and so fair,
As long as you stay Over There.

My downstairs neighbor's very sad;
She's all alone, and times are bad.
But if I help when none can see,
No-one can admire me!

She came to church the other day;
I looked at her and turned away.
If I help in her distress,
Who on earth would that impress?

Over There, Over There
Look at me! See how I care!
I'm so loving, I'm so fair
But damn your hide.... STAY OVER THERE!!!!!!

[gratitude28]

Ahhhh storm,
I am wryly laughing. Did you really write that? That is fabulous...
Yes, why do something if it isn't seen????

Sorta on the same subject... some years ago, remeber when the slogan about Random Acts of Kindness came out... My husband and I were on a driving trip. We went througha toll in Delaware or around there and I said, let's pay for the person behind us, just 'cause...

Well, the person behind us zoomed by, driving like an asshole into the horizon

And the point to the story is??????

Love, Beth

[Stormchild]

Yeah, I did. Sorry if it's too long and difficult for everyone here to understand. [Edit in: we need a smiley that thumbs its nose. Just because.]

Oh - correction - it's never been performed in public. It's been sung and played quite a bit, privately.

[Stormchild]

Now on a serious note:

Maybe the person behind you was frightened by the kindness and thought you might be going to 'try something'.

Sad, but not impossible. Especially if it was a woman traveling alone - which of course I have no idea about.

I'd be frightened if someone did that for me - given how rarely I've experienced any kindness that didn't have some kind of major price tag attached to it.

[WRITE]

Storm~LOVE THE POEM/HYMN!

I think random acts of inconspicuous kindness are what makes us truly grown up. Every singhle thing we give away comes back to us via some circuitous route, there's a balance of that in this universe I am convinced.

I'd be frightened if someone did that for me - given how rarely I've experienced any kindness that didn't have some kind of major price tag attached to it.

That's where I'm at now- learning to let go and let other people help/ love me in turn...that's harder- much harder.

[gratitude28]

Never did think of that. It was actually funny... my husband and I watched the person blast past us and then weave in and out of traffic passing people... so I don't think it was that...But I can most definitely see your point.

[Stormchild]

I've driven like a bat out of hell on a few occasions when I thought I was being 'tracked'. I used to put in a lot of long business trips alone behind the wheel, and every now and them I'm pretty sure I was 'followed with intent'. I'd take evasive action pretty aggressively - figured either I'd get away from whoever it was, or, if a cop pulled me over, that would scare my 'tail' away. [Friends I've transported to train stations and airports - when they were in a hurry - are convinced that in a previous life I was a taxi driver in Rome ]

But probably you just got an N [oh joy], or someone in a godawful hurry.