'Tis the season for Gift Giving

[gratitude28]

Narcissists are very disappointing as gift-givers. This is not a trivial consideration in personal relationships. I've seen narcissistic people sweetly solicit someone's preferences ("Go ahead -- tell me what you really want"), make a show of paying attention to the answer ("Don't you think I'm nice?"), and then deliver something other than what was asked for -- and feel abused and unappreciated when someone else gets gratitude for fulfilling the very request that the narcissist evoked in the first place. I've seen this happen often, where narcissists will go out of their way to stir up other people's expectations and then go out of their way to disappoint those expectations. It seems like a lot of pointless work to me.
     First, narcissists lack empathy, so they don't know what you want or like and, evidently, they don't care either; second, they think their opinions are better and more important than anyone else's, so they'll give you what they think you ought to want, regardless of what you may have said when asked what you wanted for your birthday; third, they're stingy and will give as gifts stuff that's just lying around their house, such as possessions that they no longer have any use for, or -- in really choice instances -- return to you something that was yours in the first place. In fact, as a practical matter, the surest way NOT to get what you want from a narcissist is to ask for it; your chances are better if you just keep quiet, because every now and then the narcissist will hit on the right thing by random accident.

My Nmother asked me what I wanted for Christmas this year (we have gone through this forever). I used to say, I don't know and they would get upset... so I started naming specific things. I asked for pastels for my birthday and she got upset and said, "Well, where do you expect me to find them? Wouldn't it be easier just to send you money?" Which is what they always do... but she asked... This week, they asked what I wanted for Christmas and it went much the same way... exasperation and the need to bother looking for something now... SO DON'T ASK and leave me alone...
Happy Early Holiday Season, everyone...

[liberty]

Hi Gratitude,

Holidays and gift fiving times can be doubly depressing when delaing with Ns. My Nmom loves to deflate me at gift giving times. Makes me feel that she does not really want to get me anything. She just kinda hands over the present with no kind of emotion or sentiment. Sometimes I feel like telling her not to bother.

Here comes another Christmas! Yipee.

Lib

[Stormchild]

It's abuse...

I sound like a broken record, I know. But when someone deliberately solicits information from you, in order to use it to hurt you, they are abusing you, no matter how it is disguised.

If you watch closely, you'll catch them licking their chops over it, one way or another - by which I mean, they'll either be enjoying setting you up for disappointment, or they'll enjoy disappointing you and watching you try to retain your composure, or they'll enjoy both.

The enjoyment is the giveaway. That's when you can know for sure.

And they can't hide it. Often, they don't even want to hide it, because it's a way of adding insult to the injury, and getting even more pleasure from causing the pain.

I don't know if all narcissists are abusive, but I have pretty well come to the conclusion that all abusive persons are narcissistic - either temporarily or permanently - when they are actively abusive.

[Hopalong]

My favorite gift I have received in recent years from Mom was a plaque she ordered that says:

 I SMILE TO THINK YOU ARE MY DAUGHTER.
I LAUGH BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

I about fell out of my chair. She had the most amazing smirk.
I laughed but with a wobbly feel. Since then, I've come to treasure it!

I do find it terribly funny in a twisted kind of way. Don't feel wobbly now, just truly amused.

(Of course she doesn't know I've hung it above my toilet.) 

Hops

[gratitude28]

Ha Ha Hops!!!!!

I've told you all before that my parent's house is a pig sty of every thing they have ever owned plus the daily purchases.. Well, every few months, they decide they are going to "clean." So my parents asked me if I wanted a box of linens and towels that were "too good to throw away." I figured, hey , anything that will SOMETHING from their house is good... and I'll just throw it away. Well, I got this box full of the most unimagineably nasty things... threadbare 20-year-old sheets, used kitchen towels, old washcloths... My husband was fairly horrified. Then they called to see if I had liked them and if I'd be able to use them. Of course I told them yes... and dumped the crap. When I was a kid I wanted a bike one year... got some lime-green mostrosity and, of course, thanked them. I was actually getting into biking at the time and we live in a really hilly place. I worked, so I told them I was considering getting a road bike... of course, my dad was ahurt, "We didn't think you'd know the difference."  My mom didn't care... she had bought a bike, hadn't she?
OK, As I said, I am feeling very pissy about them right now and talking is not helping.
Love to all of you,
Beth

[moonlight52]

Hi All   

This Christmas I am thinking of how precious life is and how much I love my dear family that live "up the mountain".
I am thinking of there capacity for generating love .

How a simple dinner is so much more and how there welcoming hearts are so open even though they are having hard times and how
together we can overcome the hard times .

There goodness and kindness warms all around them and to be with them is all present I could ever hope for such kindness exists and I am so grateful for this beauty
 and that such tenderness exists....................

love to you

moonlight