DG sure did hit the nail on the head here, for me! About the big, happy family.
Peach wrote:
"As Rosenkrantz said, "baby steps." Just starting to understand narcissism is extremely painful and disorienting. <snip>
To answer your question, it took me a year and a half to actually leave my N, after discovering that he was an N. One day it just became crystal clear and from then on all of my energy was focused on leaving and my recovery. My family and my friends were a great support. After I finally did leave, they confessed that it took everything in them NOT to tell me to GET OUT a long time ago. But they let me discover it in my own time, which is as it should be because then it comes from inside of you. "
skravill, it sounds like you "still" have family and friends. If what I read is true, and it sure was for me in my N family of origin, and my abusive 2nd husband, they will do their best to drive away and "teach YOU how" to drive away all the people you love, and who love you! They will help you find fault with each and every one of those people, twist your thinking to where you can't love them or trust ANY of them! And you will be so alone, so you will be completely under the N's SPELL.
My sister took 22 YEARS to separate from her abusive husband; it took me 5 years for the first; 9 from the 2nd; and 11 from the third.
And now for the Happy Endiing. La LA -- da DUM!!!!!!!
I may have already written this someplace -- but -- I now have a loving partner for the past 8 months who is wonderful. He is not perfect!! And I don't even want him to be. His faults are part of him, and I accept and love them completely -- and why? Because he is willing to work with me on them, and when we disagree we have come to various ways to handle his/hers faults and strangenesses. Always open to improvement in ways we handle our disagreement-techniques. Always improving, too. And that is because we love each other unconditionally. I never knew what that meant, and now I do. We CAN love each other unconditionally because we both know that neither of us will ever cross certain boundaries. For instance: we will never curse the other; we will never try to murder the other, etc etc.
We have given each other commitment rings. He has a large extended family. The largest one is actually an adopted family!!! His blood family is smaller, and on that side, locally, he has one son/daughter-in-law; one aunt, and one sister. On the adopted side (his second marriage of 31 years, from which wife he has been widowed 9 years), he has 4 kids, several grand-kids, and 3 great-grand kids with one on the way. His entire family loves me, and accepts me 100%, and are very happy with his choice of a sweetheart. I am always invited to ALL family functions, including large ones and then we have smaller events with individual families, too. And they are not at all intrusive, just kind, supportive, and loving to both of us. His apartment walls are plastered with photos of us all!!!!!!
Our love is so gentle, so accepting, and so loving -- it is like swimming in a warm lake with the most beautiful things all around -- whatever you love most in a warm lake, that is what our friendship and love is. It is not wildly passionate, but the virility is fine! He is 74, and I am 62. My love is priceless and nobody else will do. We are not jealous of others, and know we have each other's heart for the remainder of our natural lives.
We take care of each other with our various health problems; I have been to his doctor with him; he came to my therapist with me. He had never been to a therapist before, and I didn't take him for any "issues," only so he could see what my life is like (I'm bipolar). But issues came up, and he was open with me and my wonderful therapist, and I was open. I was amazed!! He didn't play any games, and things came up he'd never said to me!! Just like therapy is supposed to do!! What a man! He took the advice he was given, and I took the advice I was given, and things improved. He told the therp that he found the hour most interesting and informative. He will come again any time I ask,I am sure, and I do plan to ask again, when there is nothing particular to work out -- just so he knows where I am, you know? Just as I come with him to work on his ulcer and his other medical problems, which are several.
We also go to community theatre events. He is a wonderful actor, but right now cannot act due to eye problems. He may have to have surgery and does not want to drop out of his role in the middle. We appeared together in a short musical duet at Christmas at his favorite theatre. I wore a beautiful gown and played the guitar, and he sang.
We sometimes watch good videos; and I even watch some TV with him, which I never used to do -- I've never been a TV person. We walk a lot, and neither of us drives, which makes me very happy. I wanted a man w/o a car!!
I share this here to let you know, FINALLY [for me], what love is, in a partnership. I never knew before now.
Love,
Flo
