fighting for conviction

[Sea Storm]

I have taken action and I am alone in the house now. There are a lots of memories here and everything seems to trigger them ie. the cat jumping on my lap, the old chair i had recovered that reminded him of a chinese whorehouse,the clock on the mantle, opening the curtains or closing them, the smell of him on his old plaid shirt, his big housecoat on the hook behind the door. How could he be so crazy and how could he see the world through such a pitiful, twisted lens and make me into a monster who was out to destroy him? I do have compassion for the seven year old boy who was sent away to private school and did not come out for seven years. I can imagine the scenes of his spirit's destruction when he was sexually abused there. He was ruined beyond repair. I am just another mother for him, and one that must be discarded.
I have been so easy to use. I just gave it all away.  To the point where I might as well have crawled into the coffin with him. This sounds melodramatic again but I am a crier. When the pain comes it cuts like a knife.and I can't stand it.
I could call him back from the brink but it really would be the end of me. It was getting pretty crazy. Life is so flat and empty right now and LONELY.
I had this feeling that he was really gone. All the psychic roots that entwined my heart were disconnected. I knew he has moved on.
Now I need courage. And I don't have it.
It is dark and raining hard and this ship is healing over in the wind and tide and I can't find the entrance to the lea of the island.  I can't leave the wheel for a second because every wave takes all the skill I have to safely manoever through. The cupboards have flown open and there are broken cups and bowls on the floor crashing around in the dark. I used to live on this island a long time ago but now i don't remember the dark trees against the sky and the shape they make that is a visual I could use.
On a night like this anyone would pray to god for help.
I remember coming into port and being so glad for the stillness and the safety of the harbour.
I haven't felt that for so long. Too long.
I feel calmer now for getting that out. I have a history of being on fish boats and that was a big part of what we shared.
I would like to hear from anyone who has a broken heart or who remembers what it feels like. I have to stay away from him. He can't help me anyway.
Did other people put up with cheating and lies and betrayal? Did they beg for answers and the truth but just face a wall of a person with no empathy?
Sea storm

[moonlight52]

Sea Storm 


CB said everything so beatifully and well just right...........


be gentle with yourself

hugs
and love

moonlight

[Hopalong]

Sea,
I do understand, I have had my heart broken (or, I have broken my own heart against something implacable) more than once. I am familiar with that kind of pain.

I have survived, and I am changed.

I do not think I will ever succumb to that kind of reckless destructive obsessive attachment again.

And that is where the hope is. At first, I felt my life was empty and his voice/smell/touch/interest/sexual response needed to be in it to give it ballast.

Now, my life is so full. A man would need to approach me with kindness and understanding and great integrity for me to be able to move things out of my life to make room for him.

That may happen, one day. But I am no longer living in "meanwhile."

love to you for this rough storm...until the water calms (it WILL), you're doing just the right thing.
One wave at a time...

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

SeaStorm and CouldBe123 - the poetry of your words cuts deeply. 

I feel calmer now for getting that out.

Writing has power to dull the edge of the pain and there are those
of us reading your post who have been through similar storms, losing
their courage along the way only to find the smallest drop still visible
after the storm has past.  But courage can build on even the smallest
drop, it can build slowly, you just have to feed it by faith, almost by
rote (I believe - sort of) and the more you ask for encouragement
and support from people like those here (ones who understand) who
will be there for you and you can draw from us.  We are here for
you and ironically by being here for you you feed us as well.

Drink from this well.  It is deep and it will not run dry. - Gaining Strength

[gratitude28]

Sea,
I am sending you LOVE and COURAGE. You don't really need them from me... you have them inside of you. But I'm hoping mine will prop you up while you grab ahold of yours!
Oh, sea, I can only imagine the sort of ache and deep pain you feel. I think you need to feel the pain for a while. It is part of the grief-process. And it is OK.
Please take care and keep writing... it will help. Tell us everything... anything...
Love, Beth

[sea storm]

thanks for the support. There are some beautiful words of encouragement in these replies and they mean a lot to me.
I had a rough few days and now i am feeling calmer. No contact with my ex helps me get some perspective on how aweful things were getting for both of us. I am replacing beloved rituals and things and feelings from my old life with new ones. Slowly, I am looking at possibilities for other jobs. I have a job that pays well but requires a pound of flesh from me in return. I am going to join an artists group on Thursday nights. maybe i will meet some kindred spirits there.
i am so grateful for times of peace. I have reached out for support from friends and they have come through.
There are huge changes afoot in my life. I find that narcissistic friends are falling by the wayside and I am recognising the relationships that are good for me.
This is sometimes painful but I am getting used to the changes coming fast and furiously. I guess I am remaining calm through all the change. I could freak out or stay calm. Calm is better.
Christmas is coming up and I feel ok about that even though it is my first christmas away from my ex partner. I realize that we fought so much that it will be better to be alone.  I somehow did not want to admit how bad it was. Also, I just can't stand waiting on someone.
I am really chatting away here.  It helps to know that I am not always freaking out and off the deep end. I come back.
Thanks for your help.
Sea Storm

[Hopalong]

You sound wonderful.
Jingle Bells, Sea, and keep posting whether you're freaking out or not!

Glad you're feeling a new flow with positive people and being good to yourself.
I am so impressed.

Hope you have plans in place for getting through Christmas Day and all that.

(I'm up early staring at my paperwork.  )

Hops

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((((sea)))))))))))))

Like the others said, being alone is not being lonely. There are times when you do feel lonely... but didn't you feel even lonlier inside of that relationship?

Lots of love and warm thoughts.
Beth

[Brigid]

seastorm,
Three years ago I was still reeling from my exnh having suddenly walked out at the end of October.  I had 2 children who I felt still needed to experience Christmas, despite my total lack of interest and extreme pain.  I cried while putting up all the decorations and sobbed when I hung 3 stockings rather than 4.  I spent hours upon hours knitting scarves to be given away as Christmas gifts to friends and family because I couldn't concentrate on reading or watching TV.  I took my girlfriends to lunch who had supported me through my darkest days and gave them each one of the scarves I knitted. 

I was taking AD's, and at that time, I was also on an anti-psychotic drug, so I could once again start eating.  I had gotten down to 110 lbs. (I'm 5'6") and was so weak I could barely function.  Even with the AD's, I still obsessed about all that had happened--finding out he was having an affair, that he was addicted to porn and masturbation, that he had been lying to me for most of our marriage about why he didn't want to have sex with me, and that he felt nothing over the end of our marriage.  I was terrified of running into him with her and how I would deal with that.  It was a whole year before I realized that his girlfriend was still married (still is today, after 3 1/2+ years of them having an affair) and I certainly did not have to worry about running into them together.  He had totally lied about their relationship while he and I were in therapy, and what her married situation was at the time.

I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone and could not imagine ever feeling peace and happiness again.  Three + years later, I do feel both peace (for the most part), and happiness.  I have a wonderful b/f, who I love madly and who loves me to death.  All the effort I made to keep life as normal as possible for my kids, has paid off with both of them doing very well and finding their way in life in a very positive way.

Believe me when I say that I feel your pain--more than you'll ever know.  I do not envy where you are, nor would I ever wish to be in that place again.  But I am a stronger person today because of what I went through and I appreciate my life in a way that I never could have before.  I try hard not to sweat the small stuff anymore, because you never know when the really big stuff might just come along and knock you on your a$$. 

I extend a hand to you while you work your way through the holidays.  It is a very painful time.

Hugs,

Brigid

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Brigid)))))))))))))))))))))

You have made it so far. I am so sorry you went through that.

[Brigid]

Thank you for the hug Beth.  My kids are very proud of me and how far I've come and that means the world to me.  I think I've been a good example for them of surviving and conquering adversity, without becoming hard and bitter.  Actually, I think I'm a bit softer around the edges than I ever was, and that seems to be a good thing for my life as I live it now.

I'm sure this can't be an easy time for you either with your hubby deployed.  My thoughts are with you as you go through the holiday season (I assume) without him.

(((((((Beth)))))))))))

Brigid

[gratitude28]

You aren't too much of a softy, you curling, high-heel adorned biker chick

[Brigid]

You aren't too much of a softy, you curling, high-heel adorned biker chick

Well, that certainly gave me a laugh.  I guess I do have my "dark side," but I try not to let it show too often. 

The bike is put away for the winter, but the curling shoes (definitely not high heels) and broom are very active these days. 

Seastorm,
I was happy to read on your other thread that things are getting better.  Be kind to yourself and don't panic if you have a bad day.  You will continue to have ups and downs as you move through your grieving and healing process--but eventually the ups hang around longer and the downs aren't so deep or long-lasting. 

It's great that you have a good therapist.  That really can make all the difference.

Hugs,

B.