Being the Observer

[mum]

Hi, all. I have been checking in from time to time. It's nice to see familiar names.

Lately, I am trying to become more aware, more consious in my life. Life continually presents me with challenges, as it does for all of us, but my attempt is to step out of repetetive emotional reactionism to events/circumstances and instead become more observant and aware.
This process has provided me with so much joy...or should I say, the joy was always there....I was just too preoccupied with "thinking" and my own "story" (circumstances) that I tended to miss it. I still miss stuff, get stuck in the emotional reaction to life, but I find this happening less and less and if it does, I don't overthink it (talk about piling on the crap!) and let it just go. Set it down like a suitcase full of stuff that I no longer need. Doing that with my new husband seems to be the most difficult for me (the curse of the independent woman )

The most useful part of this awareness has been: I am learning how to detach from wanting. Wanting things to be different, better, "other" than they are. That thinking has caused me all the unhappiness I have ever experienced. That does not mean I just sit here like a rock, doing nothing, not at all. (But I think a rock, or a tree might have the whole thing down pat, and we humans have screwed it all up just "thinking" about it....even now....what I am doing!!) I DO life, but with more presence and thus joy.And what do you know....more joy comes my way!!  Each moment presents itself to me and each moment I have a choice as to how I will react...or not.

Anyhow, here is the ironic thing I noticed today:
As I step out of my own "story" and become an observer, I find myself in a work situation with two women who  don't exactly communicate too well with each other. As the itinerant teacher, who utilizes both thier classrooms, and with whom they need to share materials with, I find that I am "outside" of thier drama as well. And it's ok. I don't know if my detachment is a function of my part time employment or that I just don't find value in getting mired in thier disfunction.

It is so bizarre. I find both of these people to be equally wonderful teachers and personally affable to work with but amusingly difficult at times as well. One of the main issues, though, and they both readily admit it, is that they don't talk, and use ME (and, I have come to understand, my predecessor) to communicate with each other...mostly with negative judgement attached.

I have asked them why they do not communicate, and one, who feels "victimized", will say it's just not worth it, and the other, who is nearing retirement and quite cynical, also says "it's not worth it". It's bizarre.

Anyhow, that's the way it is. I am contemplating a move even further outside of this, as in I refuse to do the communicating for them, but unless I really want to buy all my own teaching materials, I haven't figured that one out yet.

Life is funny huh?

[mum]

Thanks, Jac. How wonderful that you are finding such happiness. I am pleased to have been a small conduit in the thread, but certainly I am nothing more than a fellow traveller, bungling my way along! So much happy energy flows in and out of everything, no?  It's funny how we are each other's teachers, even when we have no idea.

My teenage daughter is a wonderful teacher for me right now. She is, I have come to understand, rather typical in her adolescent female behavoirs...ie: very attached to her "story" and drama. I knew this move would be tough for her, but the immersion in her emotions was surprising to me.  She would like for me to get immersed with her, and believe me, I did from time to time. After months of  listening to her express her rather negative feelings about her current life circumstances, and allowing myself to take on her energy about it  (by getting remorseful or sad myself) I was really just compounding the "problem" of her not moving through things. At first I started telling her to stop wanting what isn't....as wanting things to be as they were, was not going to happen and was a sure fire recipe for unhappiness. We moved, she is starting over socially, and as soon as she stopped miring in self pity, she would attract the happiness she wanted so badly....instead she was putting out so much negative energy, it was no wonder that's why she felt nothing but negative back.

You can imagine how well this went over with a 14 year old girl, whose capacity for self blame and criticism exceeds almost anyones!!
I've been listening to Ekhart Tolle's new book on CD on the way to work each day and something he said inspired me to instead suggest that my daughter just stop wanting to be happy about things. Just go ahead and be miserable and stop wanting it to be different. I had to allow her to be unhappy, too, which is hard for a parent. I noticed that at first, when I decided to not get emotional when she talked about her negative feelings, that she would get pretty pissed off, accusing me of not caring enough, or being "distant". In truth, I was distancing myself in a way, but not from my daughter, but from this sad tale she thought was "her".
Since there was nothing to argue about, really, (my telling her ideas on how to be happy.....!!!)  well, I don't know, exactly when it happened, but she started moving forward into this life, instead of being in this "miserable limbo".

She tried out for a sports team, even though it scared her soooo much,  and now is busy several times a week at practice, and soon will be at games. She started up with private music lessons, and that is yet another focus. She just started getting out of herself. She notices more often how people say Hi to her in the halls, and how the kids she likes, also seem to like her. It's ironic, though, as now I know why my mother had us in sports/activities as teenagers. It gets you OUT of yourself. Less time to focus on what could be.....and hours of practicing NOW. Being present. And then being too damn tired to wail about what isn't perfect.
Now if she could just find her step sister more tolerable......

Anyway. Don't know why that ramble started....just more musings about presence and detachment.
Thanks for the exchange.
I'd love to hear more about your "practice" as well.

[Jade]

Hi, mum.

You said:

they don't talk, and use ME ... to communicate with each other ...

I am often asked to be the go-between in this fashion. I strongly dislike it. It makes me feel used to be a channel in this way, as though I had no reality of my own. As though my only importance to people is the information I can transmit about others. When I refuse to "triangulate," I try to do so politely. Example: "I'm sorry, I just don't feel comfortable being in the middle." Even so, people generally get defensive. Sometimes I get mad, and then they get mad back.

Also, I try not to do it myself. When I do it, it's because I fear confrontation and conflict, so I try to get sympathy from a third party. Facing people directly with any kind of conflict or problem is very difficult for me, even over extremely minor things. It is an ordeal every time.

[mum]

I hear ya, Jade. It's never pretty, those "triangles", yet I see them happen all over the place, and yes, fall into that trap myself.
It is hard not to, for sure.
I have also experienced the futility of getting mad about it. Anger begets anger, generally.
I find triangulated relationship situations to be one more, albeit sorta twisted up, opportunity to practice compassionately expressing boundaries.And that is the tough part.
I expressed to my therapist once that I really have the most incredible time trying to stick up for myself, and with conflict. I thought I was a unique/freak in that way. She told me: That's the hardest thing for almost everyone!
 "Stepping out" of an egoic, emotional reaction to the complicities of those things is key. Detachment again....

One of the best things I ever realized was that "I am not my life/life situation" (or any situation for that matter). I am not what others think of me, or how my day went or whether I am "successful" or not...in remembering this, I can center myself and not be so attached to that which scares me (other's thinking). And that changes it for me. Bluntly put, sometimes it helps to "not give a *(%#*" (or at least not for more than is necessary or productive!).

[moonlight52]

Hi Jade and mum .

This is zen detactment "place"of no struggle... we are not our stories....
Does not mean you do not get up and fix breakfast anwser mail etc.

I could not understand this kind of thing until I had a stronger understanding of positive ego.
Mum this is super grand indeedy

quote from mum

One of the best things I ever realized was that "I am not my life/life situation" (or any situation for that matter). I am not what others think of me, or how my day went or whether I am "successful" or not...in remembering this, I can center myself and not be so attached to that which scares me (other's thinking). And that changes it for me. Bluntly put, sometimes it helps to "not give a *(%#*" (or at least not for more than is necessary or productive!).


much love to you
moon

[axa]

I have found this thread so very interesting.  I have been thinking a lot about detachment recently.  I realise that the attachment is what causes me pain.  I want to hold on.  I do not want to accept the reality of a situation.  I want to add to it to satisfy MY attachment.  letting go of the outcome is such a challenge. 

From my experience when i can detach in a loving way the outcome is irrelevant in that I am accepting of the reality and truth.  Experiences whereby i could be in this way, though they were very hard, did not have the pain and despair I had anticipated.  Letting go, letting go.  It is as if we are programmed to hold on and cling.  I have realised that when I clig I experience pain.  I am not allowing life flow through me and happen as it happens.  I am trying to control and play God.

I have been trying to be present in these days after leaving XN and when I am in the present moment it is easy.  The old ego kicks in and the addiction of the rerunning events etc starts and with it comes the pain and anxiety.  Sometimes I feel as if I have everything I need but want something different.  Maybe like it is never enough.  I think this goes back to the abused child who never got enough of anything.

I have been reading about happiness and it as if our happiness is conditional.  "I will only be happy if I can have....... otherwise I refuse to be happy.  I try and live with awareness and struggle very much as I am not the best student!  The times I am aware, like sitting here writing, aware of the beautiful light outside my study window, the humm of the heating, the warmth of thehouse....... well this is good.  I feel happy.  In writing this I can feel the anxiety which was present in me flow away.  Such and easy lesson, such a hard lesson.

I am very interested in continuing this thread as it supports me in my awareness.


Thank you all,

axa

[Hopalong]

Morning, Axa...

I think being in the present moment is the key. When you tune in with your senses to what nature is busy doing around you, it is always clear that nothing stays the same. Life is change, flow. We humans make it emotionally about loss, but that doesn't really change what is happening. Death and birth of things are all LIFE and nature doesn't worry about it.

I think listening to the heater and feeling the sun is exactly where your healing will come.

Must go...have overnight guests who lost their son a year ago today. I was with them when they got the call. So we'll sit in the morning light together.

thanks for the timely reminder...it is a wonderful thread.

Hops

[axa]

Thank you Hop.  I rejoice that your friend has you to sit with her in her loss.  I have lost a child also so I understand the pain of that.  I will stand in my garden look at the mountain and think of you, your friend, her child, my child and wish for comfort and love for us all.

Axa

[Stormchild]

Bumping this, because there is so much wisdom here.

[teartracks]

Hi Mum,

Detaching...I call it hitting the neutral button.  The problem for me is hitting the button at the right time so that I don't engage in the first place.   Wishing you the best.

tt

[Lupita]

My son always tells me that my problem is to having expectations, unrealistic expectations of freinds, coworkers, situations, etc. If we stop expecting something to happen we would not be disappointed if it does not happen. That is what I call making a callous in our heart.
Lupita