Beth - I don't know if this will help or not. It isn't original, I'm not sure who first wrote it, but in my experience it's true.
"The opposite of love is not hatred, but indifference."
Detachment is often mistaken for indifference, but it isn't. When you're detached from a situation you may be grieving intensely about it, but you have realized that you cannot make a constructive difference and therefore there is quite literally nothing positive that you can do - except to detach.
It's easy to tell the difference, because with detachment, a person moves through the process of grieving, and usually remains willing and prepared to give positive assistance if that ever becomes a realistic possibility. Indifference checks out and never looks back.
Most of the people here who have found no alternative to cutoff, in various situations, are far from indifferent about that. But to preserve their own sanity, they've realized, they had to detach.
[Edit in: I'm trying to decide if I think that hatred is 'thwarted controlling' or 'thwarted love'. The older I get and the more I see, including my own history, I have to admit that the desire to control outcomes seems to be a lot of the power source behind hating.
We're really never taught, anywhere, that love does not control - in fact, much of what is marketed in the guise of love is candy-coated controlling and little else - so it doesn't make much sense to blame people for this. But if you look at the very heart and core of the Christian faith, it is love without control. Free will. God made us, loved us, and gave us freedom. Our misuse of that - is the next chapter in the story, not the beginning. It began in absolute love with no external controlling. Somehow, for all the Christianity in this country, that part of the lesson so often seems to be lost.
Oh, I've given you a layman's Lenten homily. Well... it's that time of year.]
((((((((((Beth))))))))))
