Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Letting go of Mom although the issue of inheritance niggles.

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Flo:
Rosencrantz,

About the voice mails I left my sister, saying I need for her to come to my therapy appointment:  I'm not sure you know about why I left them.  Have I posted the reason?  If I have, I can't find it, so would you let me know so I can explain?  Thanks....

Flo :cry:

PS I am not crying about what you said, only about the whole situation with my sister.  I can never trust her again unless she comes to my therapist with me.  She has broken my trust so badly and insulted me beyond belief.

Wildflower:
Hi Anastasia - I hear you when you say that "to get over the hurt and anger is the real chore which seems impossible at this point".  One thing that has worked for me is to continue to build positive relationships with people around me and in the community.  Every time I am able to have any kind of exchange with anyone that's normal - better yet positive -  I feel that much further away from the pain of knowing that I was used and emotionally abused as a child. I may have been robbed of so much, but watch these scars fade as I learn to share kindness and warmth with others.

Hi Flo - I agree with Rosencrantz that the voice messages may have been off-putting if only because you set some very narrow conditions for your sister to meet.  From reading your story about your family, I can tell that there is much confusion and hurt to work through, but while you're doing that very difficult work, try to remember that your sister grew up in the same household and deserves as much respect and support as you do.  If you're fighting and upset with each other now, maybe you could give each other some room (and yourself more time to do a little more research into narcissism) so that you can come back and talk to each other once some of the more raw emotions have died down.  And when you do decide to make another gesture to her to try to heal your bonds, consider finding a way of talking with her that allows her to offer her own thoughts on what needs to be done to bring you closer together.  This forum is about voicelessness for a reason - so many of us here have been denied a voice - and it takes time to find it again, if we ever had one to truly call our own.

One more piece of advice I have to offer in terms of dealing with the rest of your family is that while they may in fact be the ones causing the majority of the drama, it's up to you to make the choice to interact with them in a way that doesn't hurt you.  You can count on the fact that they will never change (though I'm sure many of us still hope they will), so it's really up to you to make the change, which doesn't seem fair, I know.  But you'll be glad when you realize that you finally have control over a completely insane scenario.  A book I've found extremely helpful in developing skills that put me in control of my life has been mentioned here before, but I'll mention it again: Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents, by Nina Brown.

Wildflower

Flo:
Dearest Wildflower and Anastasia,

First, your user names are so lovely.  This board has some of the most amazing user names I have encountered ANYWHERE.  I think of myself as a wildflower, too.  I have used Dandylion (spelling deliberate!), and Flowerseeds, and Flowerbells.  I used Flowerseeds for several years.  That's related to Dandylion, see, because I "planted seeds," or really, just disseminated seeds or poofed them around, for them to grow in "fertile soil," where ever it might be.  I am an organizer, and found that when I would invited people to come together, in the spirit of cooperation and synergy (another name I use), they thrive, and things get done beautifully and FAST.

But lately, since I am getting older and feel OLD, although I look much younger than 62 (people tell me that, anyway, plus it runs in the family to look young -- I wish I looked wise rather than young, LOL! but at least people don't "parent" me or patronize me anymore!! Hooray!) I decided to stop being flowerseeds and be flowerbells, reaping the benefits and listening to the music of the seeds I have planted during the past 30+ years.  It is nice to relax and not take so much on.

And Anastasia, first of all, don't you love your beautiful song?   From your movie?  It is one of the most lovely melodies I have ever heard.  And also, the historic Anastasia's life, what the little I remember from the movie and from the marvelous biography **Nicolas and Alexandra**, is that this daughter of Nicolas and Alexandra (tzar and tzarina of Russia who were overthrown and killed in the Russian Revolution) disappeared and nobody knows whether she lived to adulthood or not.  Except for the revolution part, the historic Anastasia's story (her disappearance, etc) is a wonderful metaphor for any one of us here, at least that is my take.  Have you thought this through in this sort of detail?

As for my own family, you two and all at this thread, and all others interested, (God bless and keep all of you!), of course I do agree that my family suffers.  Too.  But (1) yes, it has been me who has taken on the sole responsibility for healing myself and the family -- since 1979!! And yes, I have been given credit by my sister.  And to a lesser extent by my mother.  But (2) despite this, these people -- my entire family of origin, which now includes 1 sister, 1 mother, 1 brother, (and 1 detested sister-in-law) are the only people who can figure out ways to -- not just push my buttons, but send jolts of lightening through my nervous system!  and shots of poison into my veins!!!!  Who can cause shock and dismay; anguish; sobbing; despair and HATRED that can go on for weeks.

This is why this time around I am cutting myself free for a while, and leaving the situation where it belongs -- in my sister's lap.  SHE is the one who insulted me big time, by her ACTIONS.  I'll repeat here what she did: she invited me and my Sweetheart, Jim, to come to a jazz concert that her son, my nephew is in the band.  (Neph is a 25 y/o professional trombone player, whom **I** got started onto a jazz track when he was 8 and which my sister fully credits me with -- his first solo performance was with me at the State Fair when he was 12!)  She left a voice mail, saying I could call her back; that she was not sure if her Significant Other was going to come or not.  So when I called her the next day at 1:30 p.m. (the day of the 8:30 p.m. event) saying we'd be delighted to come and were joining her!, she called back 20 min. later and said, um, uh, duh, well.....that since I had not called back that MORNING, "which I said you'd need to do..." that they had invited "another couple we had been wanting to invite for a long time, and...." so I said, "Well, we'll just sit someplace else in the restaurant, then."  To which she said, "Well, that would look WEIRD...." and her voice dropped in this "Wee-urd" way....YOU know the way people say WEE-urd?

And I tried to say I was hurt or something -- and she started screaming that "Her feelings were valid and I just didn't care about her feelings."  I had said anyone else would have said, "We've invited another couple to come along, too."

Then, we ended the phone conversation.  I flew into a panic, hurt, and rage attack, and twisted/broke a plastic automatic pencil I was holding and hurled it across the room. The first object I had broken in over 5 years!!!!

Jim says, "We are going.  You have GOT TO STAND UP TO HER and not let her push you around like that anymore."  And I said I understood completely where he was coming from, and he was absolutely right.  But I could NOT DEAL WITH THIS, AND I was not going.

But then, he called the restaurant, and found out that the band director was an old friend of his -- 15 years!!

So then, he said we could go see HIM, and his band, and not focus at all on my neph (who has been ignoring me for years for reasons I do not know -- he only returns my calls if I have a nice gift for him!  Which I never will again) or my sister.  I agreed.

Then, Jim called my sister and told her this, and that we would be sitting elsewhere in the restaurant.'

Jim told me that my family will have to realize that they "cannot push you around like this anymore," and that if they do, they will have him to contend with, not just me.  I feel very supported, and grateful for this support.

When we arrived at the restaurant, I headed for the restroom, and went bet. the band stage and the audience, and my sister came up from behind me and did the phony usual family thing of putting her arm sort of around my shoulders and saying with a phony smile, "Are you going to come sit witih us, " to which I replied with an absolutely straight face, looking straight at her, "No."

An hour later, the male of the couple they had invited came up to me where I was sitting (Jim still had not found where I had found a seat) and re-introduced himself -- turns out we had met in the past, he said!) and said he and his wife were leaving in a few minutes, and this would open up two chairs, and my sister would like to talk to me, and would Jim and I be Interested in coming and sitting with her and her partner? and I said, No thank you, I am just fine, thanks.

Then, a few days later she called and left me 3 voice mails, but I was still too upset to talk toher, so I asked Jim to listen to them.  He says she was apologizing. But there were too many similar incidents over the past 3 years. This was the last straw.

Hence, my distancing.  Words don't make it.  Verbal communication won't work.  I can't communicate with her, because she cannot understand, and unlike some of you courageous people here, I am not able to tell it like it is to my sister's face.

The worst possible fate to my sister is to have a divided family.  Sooner or later, I expect she will either call me or write to me, or come over.  At that point, I will do what some of you suggest --- give her a copy of ** Trapped in the Mirror,** or offer a more flexible schedule for my therapist.  Or ask her for other ideas.  But a third party outside the family -- not Jim -- will have to be present.  And I want it to be my therp.

Love,

Flo

surf14:
HI guys;
   When I read your post Discounted Girl, I felt said for what you've had to endure. It has been very painful for you I'm sure; and so underserved.  In my family, even as adults, my  NQueen Mother  has tried to keep the siblings apart; its almost laughable how threatened she is if we talk to each other.  And yes, she perists in her attempts to continue to split us.  As a very smart woman you'd thing she'd develop some insight into the absurdity of trying to keep a whole family system running on lies and her fantasy needs to be treated like an  queen while she acts in a vulgar and cruel way to others.

Rosencrantz: have you ever considered being a therapsist?  You seem exceptionally gifted in your articulate feedback and sensitivity towards  others.  Thanks everyone.

Anastasia:
Flo:  Anastasia was my paternal grandmother's name and I have explained why I use it before, so no need to rehash it.
Of all the user names here, I think "Discounted Girl" is the most spot on.  Wish I had thought of it as it IS what I was, too.
Just my $.02 on names here.
Now BACK TO THE REAL PROBLEMS TO SOLVE.  (Sorry for the interruption.)

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