It ends here

[liberty]

Hi everyone,

I am moving on in a new direction away from Nmom. Since I sent her the first letter, I have been experiencing a rage that is unbelievable. I have been feeling as though all sorts of muderous thoughts and exrteme anger have just been pouring out of me. I no longer feel sorry for my mother and as though I should be dealing with her delicately so as not to offend. I am very angry. Childhood memories have been flooding back to me. I am in a state of upheval. I have sent her another and the final email. I have now blocked her email address so I can't receive any emails from her and yes Caller ID has been installed. Here it is:

Well it's not to say that I did not try. I have spent exactly a lifetime trying. At age 35 after I have suffered under the regime of two abusive parents, I have finally called it a day.

I remember being not older than 7 years of age and my parents having an argument. I remember my father asking my mother back for some jewelry that he gave her. I remember her telling him to take all of it back. I remember feeling so sad for my mother that I offered to give back all the things he ever gave me. I remember my father asking my mother how she could have me behaving in this way. I remember my mother saying happily: "Well if the child wants to give it back then she wants to give it back" I remember that my father took back everything he gave to me.

Now that I have children of my own I see how easily parents can manipulate children and use them as weapons to fight each other. I have suffered as the conduit for the rage and anger of these two dysfunctional people. Used as a weapon by both. Forced to choose between a rock and a very hard place: a rageful, wicked and uncaring father and a vengeful, spiteful narcissistic mother.

I have suffered immense torture at the hands of my father in order to defend my mother  who cares nothing about me and who has always demonstrated and has continued to demonstrated her total absorption in herself. Her selfishness and lack of empathy and concern for the well being of her own child is staggering by most standards but it is what I have come to expect from her.

I consider her dismissive response to my last letter to reach out to her as the ultimate betrayal in the endless series of betrayals that have defined my life under her dominion.

In some ways the behaviour of my father was easier to deal with because he was open with his nastiness. My mother on the other hand was always underhand, playing the role of victim, pretending to be a caring person while quietly placing the knife in my back. I think they both deserved each other. And I know that neither deserved to have me as their child.

As my counselor had said to me in one of our sessions. I should have been removed from the home from a very early age. Now as an adult I owe it to neither of them to share my life with them or to entertain any sort of relationship.

I am now exercising this option as I no longer choose to absorb the toxic effects of my mother's narcissism in my life.

I realize that you ( my mother) have a relationship with my children and unlike you, I do not use children as weapons in adult battles. A lesson that you should learn.

I hope that for their sake you do not exercise your toxic, self absorbed narcissistic personality on them as they are innocent. But children do get big and they do learn to see things for themselves.

The only calls that I will accept from you are emergency calls or calls relating to visitation by the children. Do not call me otherwise. I am no longer interested in maintaining any sort of personal relationship with you.

You have treated me with total disregard, disrespect and in ways that no parent should treat a child. I now recognize you as the perfect yin to my father's yang. May you both be out of my life forever. It ends here.


-The child you gave birth to 35 years ago.

Lib

[Gaining Strength]

Very profound, Liberty.  You have spoken for yourself and others of us.  I awoke in rage this morning over similar issues.  What a gift to come here and read your statement of liberty. - Gaining Strength

[reallyME]

Oh gosh {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{LIB}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

My heart broke reading this letter!  I am so proud of you too, for the stand you are now taking.

I think they both deserved each other. And I know that neither deserved to have me as their child.

When I read this, I just said "THANK YOU!"  Finally someone is agreeing with me, that abused children do NOT owe ANYTHING TO THEIR ABUSERS!

As my counselor had said to me in one of our sessions. I should have been removed from the home from a very early age. Now as an adult I owe it to neither of them to share my life with them or to entertain any sort of relationship.

Your counselor is WONDERFUL!  In my belief system, all I owe to people is to love them (with GOD's LOVE, not meaning I trust them or associate with them), and I owe the person to pray for them as God leads me.  I do not owe them my struggle for their approval that I will NEVER have on this earth, most likely.  Jodi has a new supply to boost her ego.  She has disposed of me, justifying it by knowing that I've spoken the truth about what happened between us...realizing that she at last met one who will NOT observe the "don't talk don't tell rule" that she apparently was brought up with and continues in her own home with her children.  I'm labeled "enemy" at this point, because I dared to address the issues and not cover over and hide what REALLY goes on behind closed doors.

I owe her prayer and God's love...I don't owe her seeing me mentally, psychologically tortured because she mistreated, replaced and abandoned me.  NEITHER DO YOU!

~ReallyME

[Hopalong]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Liberty))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

Hops

[pennyplant]

Lib,

I think I understand all the anger that is coming to the surface, now of all times.  I'm in a similar situation.  Everything lately taps into what must be some very old, very repressed rage.  I feel hateful toward so many people and situations lately, that I don't know what to do or say sometimes.  It is all I can do to just be civil at times.  It is very hard to feel this way and still conduct normal business day by day.

I have to believe that this is better than continuing to stuff it.  Afterall, I stuffed it all my life and it didn't go away!  Forty-some years of stuffing and still it sits there in my heart and brain.

I hope you can find a safe outlet for it.  Cutting ties with your mother seems a very, very good start.  But it is not the solution.  It is the beginning of the solution.  I would be interested in hearing about your journey on this path now because I'm kind of floundering myself.  I haven't really found a good, satisfying outlet for my anger yet.  It is kind of floating around my head much of the time.  Very distracting to say the least.  I don't want to take it out on others.  So, I'm working around it for now.  I'm amazed at the people I know who can just stop caring about things that bother them.  They just stop caring and just start thinking about something else.  I don't know how to do that!  I know more about it than I used to.  But it feels so unnatural to me.  Anger is so powerful.  And so many things trigger it in me.

Really, I wish I could be alone with it for awhile.  But work is crazy and home is hectic.  There is no little cave for me to curl up in to think it all out, which is what I really want just now.  It's like I kind of know how I could start working on processing the anger.  But where is the time and space for me to do so?  It is so hard.

Congratulations, Lib, on setting yourself on the path to freedom.  You have supporters here in cyberspace.  I for one am cheering you on.

Pennyplant

[Dazed1]

Liberty,

First, (hoping I don't sound trite) I really must say your are an excellent writer.  Both letters were so crisp and succinct.  This shows your clarity of thought and your sharp mind.  Both of your letters were really beautiful.

Anger, you're boiling, rage:  I understand, been there myself.  Please do not turn your anger against yourself.  Pennyplant said she does not know what to do with the anger or how to express (I assume both verbally and physically) the anger and I know this feeling too.

Guess what I'm trying to say to both you, Liberty, and Pennyplant is please try not to expell your anger in such a way that you hurt yourselves, so that it causes (or compounds) depression or physical ailments. 

I myself am not sure how to dispel my anger without damaging myself, but I try.  Maybe focusing on your body, like a relaxing warm bath or massage.

Point is that we don't want to hurt ourselves anymore than we have already been hurt.  Don't want to compound the hurt.

I assume that your mother basically blew you off.  She pretended that she didn't read your first letter, am I correct?

I bet she was so floored by your letter that she didn't know how to respond, but that is no excuse.  You poured out your heart and she dissed you.  Yeah, I would also feel livid.

I can relate to the manipulations that you described in your second letter.  Sounds like my childhood.  These manipulations really suck.  These parents really suck; they are like unconscious zombies, unaware (or simply not caring) that you (we) were injured in their crossfire.  It's all so sick.  I'm so sorry you experienced the scenario you described. 

But, you have drawn a line in the sand and it is a new day.  I admire your courage and wish you feelings of peace and resolve.

dazed

[pennyplant]

Thanks, Moon.  Lib's words really struck a chord with me.  It is a really hard place to be.  So much is at stake.  A lot of my anger has to do with people at work triggering anger from the past.  So, my job is at stake in my opinion.  My family really pulls for me.  But I do feel like a burden in this current state.  So, that is important to me as well.  Just a hard place to be right now.  It is good not to be alone in this, but even better if we all could conquer it.

You know, I don't think I would ever be brave enough to write such a letter as Liberty wrote.  I hope that my unwillingness to do such a thing isn't the thing that will keep me voiceless.  I would even have a hard time writing such a thing with only myself to read it.  These people from the past have really got themselves stuck in my head and heart.  I have set limits and boundaries.  But I didn't tell anybody I did this.  I did not draw a line in the sand.  I sort of buried myself in the sand so I couldn't be found.  Something like that.  I don't jump anymore.  I don't ask how high.  I make myself unavailable.  And it has worked, I suppose.

Pennyplant

[Hopalong]

Moon, PP...

Is it the season?

We're bearing right down on the jolly family day.

When all the loving affectionate healthy sweet good-natured humorous kindly families gather around a table and...

throw mashied potatoes at each other
flip gravy splurts
butter their rolls with their fingers
feed the dog under the table
fart
step on Xmas ornaments and scream a lot
take naps because they're stuffed sick

Hops

[liberty]

Hi Moon,

No problem. This thread is for everyone. (((((((((((everyone))))))))))))

One of the books I read says that it is the fear of the unknown that keeps us stuck and stagnated. One book describes it as though you are swimming but holding up another person but you realize that in order to save yourself you have to let go of that other person. The delimma is that you don't know if the other person will swim for themselves or sink and drown. You are afraid to see what will happen.

Hops, Christmas is definitely not my favourite time. Everything gets magnified. Too much food, too many drinks, too much traffic; Too intense. It's almost painful. It is painful

"moon only you can make your life good"

Good words. I will keep these words with me. Thank you Moon.

RM, I think that once we uncover the truth eventually things will settle. We just have to give it time.
But the good news here on this board is that we can swim back to shore together. We're not alone.

PP, Couldbe and Gaining. I'm there with you on the anger issues and yes Dazed, it causes physical ailments in me. I suffer badly from migraines and sometimes mild anxiety attacks. To answer your question, yes I got dismissed off with the first letter as she "barely glanced at it and will read it when she has more time and the person I described is not her"

 A good gift  to self might be a punching bag. Hmmmm I think I just got an idea!!!

[pennyplant]

Hopsy, Holiday season for me is rough due to my schedule.  It has always been a time when I felt I couldn't live up to the hype.  But the last few years I have worked at a job where December is very, very busy and I work over time.  I have had one day off this month and may not get another until Christmas day.  So, it is completely frustrating for me that I can't, physically, make cookies, wrap gifts, send cards, etc. etc.  There is actually very few hours in the day left for me to do the things I once enjoyed doing for Christmas.  I have pared it down as much as possible, my husband picks up the slack admirably, my kids understand fully, etc.  But it is something I resent, probably for FOO reasons, that I have come to my middle years only to have most of the holidays just fall by the wayside because of my job.  Most of us, where I work, have had to do the same.  But the men have their wives at home to make holidays for them.  I want to be the one who does many of the holiday things.  But it won't happen until I can make some major change in my job.  That major change might be retirement in, oh 17 years or so.  I guess it bothers me because it is related to every bad choice I have ever made in my life which has led to this moment in time when I am at where I am at.  I wouldn't change it because this life has led me to the answer--voicelessness.  But it has also led to all the very hard work that still lies ahead of me.  I'm so tired of it.  And it's so painful.  And the holidays just bring it all to a head for me.

In fact, I have to work today.  It would have been my Sunday off but I'm working instead of doing Christmas.

See how layered and deeply the anger goes?  I wonder if it is possible to reach the bottom.  I have to hope it is.

I think I understand where you're coming from but I'm just not ready to look at it with humor yet.  I seem to be smack in the middle of everything that is wrong and triggering and I just want to go to bed most days.  But I have to slog through it anyway.  This is the "going through" part for me.  And I am doing that as I must.  But I miss Christmas. 

Pennyplant

[Gaining Strength]

Pennyplant - your anger touches me deeply.  I am resounding with dread.  Nothing I did was ever good enough in my family.  The gifts I gave were always accepted patronizingly and the left on the shelf, so to speak.  I face the holidays feeling so low and so helpless, so filled with dread.  There is so much attached to this from my life's history.  So much of Christmas depends on me and I am struggling so.  I have so little help from my family and I need help. 

I could never write a letter like Liberty either.  Such a letter would generate such rage and revenge.  I have chosen instead to draw my boundaries.  We were never a family that talked things out.  For so long I railed that I wanted to be talked to rather than talked about.  For me - such a letter would make things worse, not better. 

I realize that on some level I am still stuck in that dread FOO world.  I suspect that I am still "holding up another person" as in Liberty's book.  But what I fear is that if I drop them that I will be completely cut off.  That complete rejection is my utter fear.  I am so alone and lonely as it is.  I am getting better, but these holidays bring out the worst for me and I am in unbearable pain right now.
- Gaining Strength

[pennyplant]

Hi GS,

I have a few minutes then I have to head out the door to get to work on time.

Please know that you are not alone in this.  We may be far apart geographically but this board is a real connection.  This struggle is so hard for so many reasons.  But I think we here must the brave ones because we are willing to struggle through.  When we falter, we get back up again.  Our FOOs don't do that.  Most people don't do that.  We do though.

It is probably true for now that you can't drop the other person.  But perhaps when you get a little farther along and cutting them off won't leave you completely alone, then that will be the time to make the break and to make it in your own way and own style.  I'm biding my time myself on that one.  I'm holding up some others too.  And when I can, I will let them go.

Now, as I head off to work, I know I'm heading off to work with someone who especially triggers a great deal of anger in me.  Maybe it will go better than I expect.  Maybe it will go exactly as I expect.  My intention is to disengage and find ways to stay away from her.  Wish me luck!

Pennyplant

[liberty]

Hi Couldbe,

I second what you are saying to PP and GS and I agree that sending a letter like this really depends on your situation and your personal temperament.

The letter became important to me because Nmom used to call me every single day sometimes several times for the day with the same type of pretensive Nconversation. It was driving me CRAZY! and she would not stop. I therefore wanted her to leave me alone.

Of course if the letter made her think and open a discussion with me then that would have been great but look........there's a pink donkey flying outside my window!

The most probable scenairo for me would be that she now openly hates me and decided that she is not dealing with me anymore and is openly hostile. However, it is easier for me to move away from open hostility rather than silent deception and I needed to move away. I had reached the point where having no relationship was better than having what I had because as Moons puts it:

This is it ....If there is no give and take no adult caring and understanding If there is just using If one is not allowed to be real what's the point?????????????

So I am prepared to deal with the fallout.

Having said that I think we will all take different routes to the same destination. This was just the way that felt easiest for me.

Lib

[Hopalong]

PP,
I do wish you luck with the coworker, will be glad to hear how it went today. I am really sorry you had to work.

And I understand why you're not chuckling at the ironies of the season. I don't think I could either, in your shoes.

It sounds exhausting, your work, and the way it pulls against your yearning to do Christmas.

It is hard to reach midlife and not have much security. It is physically more tiring to work long hours. Life begins to compress some and we hunger for free time, more than stuff. Just freedom, to get enough rest, follow some daydreams, take simple pleasures.

I am wishing that some of the very simplest Christmas pleasures will expand for you, PP.

I am so sorry you have to work so hard.

(For a long time, I've thought, how nice it must be to have a wife.) !!  Not a sexual wife, you know what I mean...

Or even a husband who would be sure we weren't carrying more of our share of the load. For me, it's easier to be unmarried than it was to deal with being taken for granted.

Hops

[pennyplant]

Thank you Hops.  The day went better than I expected.  Last year I was asked to do the work that she wasn't accomplishing.  This year, she wasn't working any faster but for some reason I was let alone to do just what I was scheduled to do.  It went very smoothly, the other person I worked with is one of my favorites, and he cheered me up.  So, one hurdle passed and I didn't get tripped up.  I even got to leave on time for a change.  One day at a time, I should remember that, and not get myself so overwhelmed in advance.

Maybe people are finally starting to listen to what I have said about the lazy one and have realized it is counter-productive to keep expecting me (and others) to continuously be picking up the slack for her.  It is nice to think maybe a corner has been turned.

CB, I like what you say about voicelessness, that it is having no choices and being forced into uncomfortable situations with no chance for making it comfortable, or what I call do-able.  That is exactly what much of my life has felt like and why I feel like running away so much of the time.  My life often feels like a no-win situation all around.  So, not being explicit with certain people and setting the boundaries in a way that is comfortable for me, do-able for me, can help me gain my voice.  Your definition of voicelessness gives me a sense of relief.

PP