changing patterns

[axa]

In the past at the end of a relationship I would sit and cry, obsess, rerun the old movie of the relationship, cling to the past, see all the bad things, feel lonely, isolate myself.

I have made progress.  I am not doing this to any extent.  I get out of the house.  I do something physical every day.  I visit friends.  When I start obsessing I say to myself without judgment "I am punishing myself" which pushes me to let go of the obsession.  Every evening make a list of what I am grateful for in the day that has just passed.  Have a project, no matter how small, each day.  Step outside and look at the landscape I live in and Thank God for the beauty.

Yes, I have hard times but I feel I have a new sense of control over my life.  I can choose to allow the abuse to continue by hooking into it in my head or I can free my head and be joyful.  There are times I choose the abuse for only for short periods.  I feel I have moved a lot.

There seems to be something in the whole N thing that has just come to me.  It is as if I felt I did not have a choice.  Like I was the child trapped in the relationship but I was not.  And maybe that is why things got really rough for the past year because I started to stretch and grow and say THIS IS NOT OK. 

Sometiems I say to myself if this was the last day of your life how much time would you give to XN in your head.  Answer, not one second........... guess this is the way to lear.

What patters are others aware of and are you making choices in changing the patterns.

Hard work, hard work,

Axa

[Hopalong]

axa,
I've never read a better description of someone doing that hard work WELL.

I have such respect for your clarity and determination, feel as though I'm watching an eaglet ... what do you call that, a special word for "baby bird launch" ... FLEDGE.

Axa, you have FLEDGED.

Kind of a thuddy-sounding word for what is going to become soaring, riding the currents, seeing things in reality and clearly and in perspective....

But that's what's happening!

Kudos to you,
Hops

[seasons]

Hi axa,

Wow, I agree with Hops you really give the true meaning to working hard. I have so much more I can do for myself, by reading your threads it has inspired me to get more proactive in my attempts at seperating myself from my N's and start living a healthy life.
I am trying, not as well as you to change my patterns, learned behavior, remake old tapes. I think I like myself more today that I did yesterday and they day before that. So for me that is a huge stepping stone.

Keep on sharing, as you sprinkle strenght and hope on us all.  seasons

[axa]

SEasons & Hops,

THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU.

What has really helped me is that I read Anthony de Mello a lot, especially has book about awareness.  At this stage my copy is falling apart but who cares. 

"suffering occurs when you clash with reality.  Then you are suffering."  He talks a lot about conditional happiness.  "I will be happy if........  When we loose the conditional clause happiness is available.  This is what I try and focus on.   sitting here at this present moment I am happy.  I am focused onwhat I am doing right now and there is no unhappiness.  Staying where I am, being present really helps.

If I think of the future (AHHHHHHHHHHH anxiety attack) but I do not know the future, there may not be a future there is only now.  staying in the now is for me the answer.  Many times the old tapes reemerge and the illusion of a relationship.  But that was all it was, an illusion.  A healthy relationship is where I feel seen, loved, heard.  This was not my experience with XN, it was the opposite.  But I am seen, heard and loved in many places in my life.  I have wonderful friends.  I have many gifts.  I am appreciated in many ways.  I am beginning to see this. 

Last night some friends called to see me.  We sat and had a glass of wine and I felt loved.  They took time out of their lives to spend it with me.  They laughed with me.  They arranged to meet me again.  They want to share some of their plants from their garden with me.  They came bearing gifts of their love and time.  I am grateful.  I was happy in that time.  I had no conditions.  It is possible but it is hard work to stay with it and not get hooked into the crazy.

Detaching from the N is hard work and the part of me which sabotages me likes to link back into it.  But I take that part and tell her she is hurting herself.  It is not the N hurting her.  He is gone.  She can choose the hurt or she can be happy.  Think she is learning a little and I am proud of her and I love her, she just did not know.  That is all, its not a crime.  Nobody taught her to be happy and to love herself.  I am doing it now.


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

axa

[axa]

CB

Thank  you for your post..  Yes it is an addiction I concur with everything you have written.  It is the staying clear of drug is the challenge.  Right now I feel as if I have been through the worst emotional hangover of my life.  I was on the wagon before I met XN.  I was very aware and clear and being in there with him I forgot everything. 

I have no desire to be in a relationship but in time that may change.  If so I have made some rules.  I go back to therapy.  I practise my awareness practise daily............ heck just thinking about makes me think Iwill steer clear.


Thank you for being my recovery pal........

axa

[Hopalong]

Thank you CB and Axa...
I've started to think of maybe maybe opening myself to gradually exploring men again, and I'll start a thread about something you just reminded me of. I need help with it and maybe more of us do...

xo
Hops

[Hopalong]

Sure, CB!

Well it's been 2 years since my last relationship and I've made false boasts before about being "ready". I'm not really "ready"--just exploring a few thoughts about it.

Right now, with my FT job and coming home to feed my increasingly-demented mother dinner every night, my life is still very restricted. So it would more, for me, be about if I met someone who was willing to work around my life's demands to have time with me.

I am in the same place as you in that I can't imagine all that negotiating just yet. I think if I found happiness with someone it would be a more natural process. But I'm in no rush.

Heck, don't tell my dog, but I even fantasize about looking forward to being pet-free. And this morning I was thinking about how I might do without plants, since watering them is a pain.

I think I'm really NOT ready for a relationship! 

Hops

[axa]

Hops,

I am always struck by your clarity and humour.  There seems to be so many demands on your life and I am aware of how much you share and encourage people on this board, I am wondering do you have time for some lightness and joy with all that is going on for you?

axa

[mum]

Hey, Axa. Thanks for this thread. In reading what you wrote, it occurs to me that you might really enjoy something I just finished...it's Ekhart Tolle's new book, "A New Earth". He wrote "The Power of Now", which was one of the books I read during my "waking up". Anyway, my sis was nice enough to send it to me on CD, and I listened to it on my commute every day... It has a lot of stuff about ego/true self, and of course, "NOW" and presence that I think you would relate to.
And his soft voice and German accent is really odd/delightful to listen to.

I have a niece who has been through almost certain, self induced destruction with substance addiction. She is now on the other side, (but of course, that is today....and she has now had about 7 months worth of great todays) and we have discussed how pain is certainly the door to enlightenment, but as she says: "I doubt it's necessary to go through the fire of addiction, however". She sees her addiction as her greatest teacher.

I have come to see my ex N and the original choice I made to have children with him, as that kind of teacher/teaching.  This way, I can step out of the "story" and emotional attachment to that past, and see it for what it is: a necessary step in my own evolution.
Just something that is there, to accept and let flow....and I get to choose how I think about it NOW, and learn from it and heal.

Thanks for the dialogue (is that what it's called on the internet?)
Mum

[axa]

Hi Mum,

The day I sent XN out of my life I thanked him for being my teacher.  He really was.  Through him I saw so much of my own anger.  Yes, it was so frustrating being with him but I dipped into the anger pool which was waiting.  Learning about this is very powerful for me.  I think anger can be a healthy thing to move one from one place to the next but I would get out of control shouting and that is not healthy.

I have read the Power of Now and find it very enlightening.  Got it from a friend last christmas and I think it was part of the shifting of my "relationship" with XN. 

My behaviour since N became XN is different to how I used to be.  I am proud of this.  I will not be the victim.  I am taking responsibility and SEEING what is in my life and around me.  I must admit I did not see much of this when I was with XN.  My focus was on him.  I work hard at staying in the present.  It is not easy but sometimes during he day I feel joy and in the evening I am full of gratitude for the blessings of friendship, nature and my working to move myself from the old story.

And thank you for the dialgoue


Axa

[moonlight52]

Hi Mum,
This is great .I think I will print it out .Did you ever read Ram dass's book "Be Here And Now"?????

  This way, I can step out of the "story" and emotional attachment to that past, and see it for what it is: a necessary step in my own evolution.
Just something that is there, to accept and let flow....and I get to choose how I think about it NOW, and learn from it and heal
Mum

LOVE TO YOU 

MOON

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Axa.
I feel the greatest joy in people...I love banter and yap too much. Thanks for asking that.
I am sorry to say so in a way but I am confident there will be a lot more joy in my life when Mom goes.

I take tremendous joy in laughing....for example, the link I posted on the Happy Holidays thread makes me absurdly happy.

So did Daylily's Xmas ecard.

I just crave humor and there's so little of it! I take great joy in it when it does come around.

Hops
PS--[on edit--I must be senile. Just asked you a really stupid question which I've erased...I'm exhausted and I got my posters mixed up! Sorry]

[axa]

Hi Hops,

pretty good at the chatter myself.  Have great difficulty in keeping my mouth shut which has sometimes gotten me into trouble but othertimes been the opening to many great friendships.

And joy and laughter............YES PLEASE.  When I laugh I loose all sense of "self" and seem to move into a wonderful zone.......make any sense.

Love reading your posts.

axa