Hmm. Pink flags.
Lying;
distortion;
refusal to discuss an issue followed by blatant distortion of what you said or did in your attempt to discuss it;
[especially if that distortion is rumormongering behind your back];
preoccupation with 'image';
inability to let anyone else have the last word;
compulsion to interject something into any conversation in the vicinity, whether or not it is relevant, or polite;
compulsion to dominate conversations;
turning everything into a contest;
exhibitionistic charity, intended as a display of self, not really as an act of kindness towards others. [This one is easy to spot: see how the would-be-called-saint reacts when asked to do unglamorous, hard work, to benefit whoever they claim to be feeling charitable towards.]
These were strong, strong traits in my mother, and I've seen them quite blatantly displayed elsewhere, too. I've become adept at recognizing them, and I make a point of remembering them when I see them, because these things remain constant over time, or get worse, and it is these things that reveal who a person really is.
The single biggest pink flag for me - one of my mother's favorite maneuvers:
behaving in an outrageously abusive manner, and then switching that off instantly - the behavior, the affect, the whole stunt - and acting as though it never occurred.
No acknowledgement, no admission, no apology. That is gaslighting, denial, and dishonesty to the nth degree. A fitting term, because the behavior is characteristic of Ns. It's a classic trick of the emotional abuser, but the 'cold switch' is also seen in sociopaths. Which I strongly suspect my mother of having been.
It is very, very important not to ignore this sign when you see it, because it really is a dead giveaway that you are dealing with an abuser, whether or not they are blatantly abusive all the time, or even much of the time. There is no disguising this particular stunt, and there is really no excusing it. A genuine adult, or even a decently raised child, is capable of owning up when they behave badly, and can apologize.
In fact, the shame of NOT owning up and NOT apologizing, to mature adults and children with consciences, is far greater than the shame of having to face the fact that you [yes, you... and me... and every fallible and honest human being, at some time or other...] really and truly did something beastly to someone; and admitting as much to them; and asking their forgiveness.
