photographs

[axa]

Yesterday I was showing a friend some holiday photos and there was one of XN.  I was amazed by my reaction.  Looking at his picture it was if I got punched in the gut.  My friends was stunned by my reaction.  it was just so physical.  I thought for a minute I would be physically sick.

It was as if I saw him for the first time, not the illusion I had built up of him but the real him and it repelled me.  My mind was full of confusion but my body reacted to the truth.  I still feel the disgust.  My friend commented at how  happy he looked.......... truth is he had been putting me down and making crazy comments about "our life together" prior to the photo.  He had been on one of his punishment trips.  I am begining to see


axa

[Gaining Strength]

Wow Axa.  That sounds like a powerful experience.  Glad you are getting vision along with voice.  Hold that experience as an example of growth and healling to build your confidence along the way. 

I find when I am feeling low if I remember experiences that clearly define my growth then I bounce back very quickly.  This is a good way to end the year.  Just leave his N "happy" image behind. - GS

[moonlight52]

Hi all ,

There is nothing in the world to me that is difficult to face I am not repelled by anyone .

I do feel sad for the ones that do not know how to feel real intimacy.

But the only way to help make these folks let their grip go is to walk away.

Its all about becoming real....

I feel more relief and more calm than I ever have in my life this morning.....

[reallyME]

Here is an interesting question to consider for any who want to share:

Do Narcissistic people like their picture taken?

Jodi didn't like herself nor her home to be photographed.  She didn't want anyone to truly see her.  In fact so much so, that, although her husband bought me rolls of film and let me use his camera to take pictures...when he suggested that I leave the roll of film that was not finished being used when it was time for me to leave, and told me he'd develop it and send it to me...well, that never happened.

i was told by Jodi that someone suggested that she not send my pictures of her family to me, cause I was addicted to and stalking her.  Then ,she told me she'd send any pictures that were not of her family back to me...like scenery, etc.  In the end and to this day, I was told the film was never developed and gotten rid of.  Now, the question here would be BECAUSE IT WAS THEIR FILM, EVEN THOUGH THEY TOLD ME I COULD TAKE ALL THE PICTURES I WANTED, DID THEY HAVE A RIGHT TO NOT SEND THE PICTURES?  FURTHER, WHAT DID THEY HAVE TO HIDE?

I will tell you what.  I took a picture of Jodi while she was being mean to me,  not to later use it legally or whatever, but to keep me focused on REALITY of who she was if she were to ditch me as I suspected was about to happen.  She's not dumb and she knew that and couldnt' bare to think of anyone believing she was less than the image she wanted people to see her as, so, the logical solution, since I already have pictures of her with a mean look on her face, was to destroy any further pictures, so it will always be my word against hers.

Go figure

[axa]

GS,

It was an very strange experience..........maybe I am getting vision as well as strength.

Moonlight,

I hope some day to be in the place you are.  To have that peace wtihin myself and detachment from the feelings connected with XN.  Yes, I think it is about become real..........working hard on it but still struggling with some enmeshment.  Thank you for your words of wisdom.

ReallyMe

I wish us all peace and freedom from those who hurt and abuse us.


axa

[moonlight52]

Axa

I do believe there are things I would find hard to face.
What I mean is I am strong now I can face anything.

But one thing that is becoming easier is knowing that I must set an example of what healthy relationships are
and to do that not let my children be around people that do not know how to have healthy relationships.
I put my kids number one thats what I meant.

love to you
moonlight

I understand the pain but there is something sweeter on the other side..................

[axa]

Moon,

Looking forward to getting to the other side.  I do get little sneak previews now and then and try and hold onto them.  I have an adult son who lives away from home so he has not spent much time around xn and I am thankful for that.  I have faced some extremely difficult situations in my life and have come through but the whole N question is my achillies heel.  I am grateful to be here and working on MY issues which are the road map to Ns.

xxx

axa

[pennyplant]

Once I watched my Nboss as she was interviewed for a local access cable program.  She was very nervous while it was being done.  Then when the guy let her watch it play back, she was giddy with excitement over every little thing she said or did on the tape.  I was kind of surprised.  I had watched the whole thing and she didn't do a very good job.  If it had been me, I would have cringed at how I looked and sounded on tape.  She was gleeful.  One other time, she was interviewed by CNN for a segment of one of their shows which just happened to go through our region.  She got herself all gussied up and rehearsed and rehearsed.  When we saw the finished product it was noteable how serious and terrifed she looked.  Usually she was quite the show-off.  However, she thought the interview was wonderful and made multiple copies so that she and her family could preserve this important moment in history forever.

Basically she enjoyed any opportunity to display herself and preserve the history of her wonderful contributions to the world.

Pennyplant

[reallyME]

interesting, Penny

In my situation, I used to tape record Jodi doing her preaching and she accused me of being weird and a stalker cause I enjoyed relistening to her messages and some of our conversations.  I just enjoyed hearing her voice...it conforted me.

Well, she would fight me about taping her, yet after we split, she rushed to me to let me know that she was doing a room online and TAPING IT SO PEOPLE COULD HEAR HER MESSAGES!

She did the same thing about photos.  I loved to take pictures of her, her family, things we did together, us together...she again accused me of stalking and being odd...when we split, she wasted no time in letting me see her photo online!

These sorts of things are the things that make ya scratch yer head and go "HUHHHHHHHHHHH?"

[sea storm]

I saw some photos taken by my exN sister just before he left me. He looked very happy and it was his radiant Narcissist bliss face. It is so disarming and charming. Inside he facing financial ruin, leaving his home, months of lies, several other big emotional messes, but he looked charismatically lovely. What is that???? There were several photos and he looked the same.
I think of them as portraits of his false self. At home he was a tyrant and would pout and storm if he wasn't waited on hand and foot.
I used to blame myself for his anger and unhappiness. Now, he can just take is ole false self somewhere fresh and do his best to suck any unwitting person in by his charisma. If I hear that word one more time I think I will throw up. Beware of charisma.

Sea

[gratitude28]

I've told this before I know, but my mother will post pictures of me when I looked skinny or "good." She expects me to be thrilled about it. She also tries to "sneak" pictures of me when I am feeling or looking crappy.
This summer when we were there for a month, she coveted my camera (and of course bought one for herself right after, even though she already has about 4 cameras). I have a decent eye for photography, but she doesn't get that. At any rate, after the summer, she realized she had hardly taken any pictures of the kids. I amsure the only reason she noticed is that my dad wanted to keep some for work or to look at. She wants to take pictures that are like Ansel Adams, not pictures of the family unless she can use them in some way.