Pregnancy, babies and Narcissistic mothers

[seasons]

Mine chased me round her house with a blusher brush just a few weeks ago!!!!!  She was insisting that blusher would change my life...  Would I be the perfect daughter in blusher and a wonderbra do you think??

Spyralle x

What a thread! I can't believe how alike they are, still amazes me!

A few funnys I can think of... Once I mentioned to my N sister excuse how I look, (ya know no makeup, hair done etc.) she said you always look like that! Oh thanks for reminding me that my beauty routine has fallen to the way side after I had three young children to care for....I was comfortable

I'm fair skinned my other five siblings had an olive compextion and got a great tan just walking out the door. They use to tell me it was o.k. that I didn't get color, actually felt bad for me? I thought I was fine just they way I was, it didn't make me feel good to stick out but I new deep inside what type of people talk to others in such a way? Didn't know at the time, N's!!!

About pregnancy stories. One sister N couldn't wait to come to me, corner me (we actually worked together in a family business years ago..YIKES) to share the news she heard...."I just thought you should know because I can't sleep but mothers who breastfeed have a higher rate of KILLING their babies."
Of course I was the first in the family to decide to breastfeed, I did it anyway with NO SUPPORT.

She also told me, which I have heard before that I shouldn't buy anything for the baby to be it will cause a miscarriage. I lost two at the time.

When I had my newborn she wanted me to have coffee with her so she snarled at me to put they baby in her bed with a rattle, she couldn't hold a rattle? As she went on to say the baby doesn't want to just look at YOU she wants to see the WORLD put her down............she was only weeks old...how pathetic...she was jealous.

Funny with her grandchildren all these rules went out the window.

Not so Funny............She along with my other N pressured me into an abortion. My brother noticed I had a small tummy and told on me. I remember my mother shaking because she felt my older sisters were going to kill her if she didn't take care of this immediately.
I was silenced from shame, I was told that day I was going only to be checked. Not true, as my Dad and Sister N sat in the waiting room I was council ed for a few minutes, asked is this what I want? I felt like I had no voice, confused, scared to death that Sister N was outside WAITING. I said, "YES". And my baby was taken from me right there with in a half hour.
On the ride home N sister is so happy and wants to stop at her favorite sandwich shop, they did and ate, while I sat alone quietly in the back seat. It was never, ever brought up again.
I carry the wait of my sin, I have confessed but still worry I will not be welcomed in heaven on my low days. Yet, deep down I believe the God I believe in will be merciful. It's such an individual decision, a decision I was never given to make. I was shy of 18.

On a much happier note........Congratulations spyrelle and your sweet daughter, may joy of new life engulf you with love and excitement. Bless you for being such a selfless, giving, supporting mother.   seasons

[gratitude28]

Oh seasons,
I am so sorry for you and losing your baby. My mother also made it clear to me as a young adult that she would have me get an abortion if I ever got pregnant. I swear she was just salivating and waiting for it to happen... to prove I was "bad?" When I was in college and together witht he boyfriend that she wanted for me (because he was rich) and I was depressed and lonely (gee I wonder why), I gained some weight and seemed down. She took me out and parked the car and said, "I know what's wrong with you. You're pregnant." I was like, "Huh????" I can't tell you how many comments she made to me of various natures that had to do with my supposed sexual behavior. Ridiculous things.
God will never be angry at you for a chioce you didn't make.
Thank you for sharing a difficult story with us. And put on a little mascara. You'll look better (You too spyralle).
((((((((((((((((seasons)))))))))

[Bones]

It never ceases to amaze me about how much Nparents focus on labeling us daughters in every evil, sexual way they can invent.  I've learned later that this is considered covert sexual abuse.  My own Nmother called me a "whore" at every opportunity and took great glee in spreading this "manure" everywhere she went.

Bones

[axa]

Bones,

My NMom used to call me an "ugly whore" I am neither but it took me a long time to know this.

I look back on photographs of myself when I was younger and I was a nice attractive young woman whereas all I knew back then was how ugly and vile I was.  What a terrible legacy.  I am sure this is part of the reasons I sold myself so short having relationships with abusive Ns.  It took me such a long time to recognise that I am ok.  I am neither perfect nor terrible, but I am ok.  Hard, painful work but it is paying off.  Wish I knew then what I know now but that is the way it is.  I guess I am lucky that I have moved from the terrible image I had of myself to a more realistic view. 

Again this abuse was done in the name of love.  I am shaking my head as I write this, how Ns can justify their abuse by trying to destroy others.........  thank God for therapy.


axa

[Bones]

When I look back on the relationship between me and my Nmom, I don't recall her EVER saying that she loved me.  One day, she nonchalantly commented that she preferred to abort me because only one child existed for her....my Nbrother.  Nice message for an Nmother to tell an adolescent:  "I wish you were dead, have a nice day."

Bones

[gratitude28]

What kind words, bone. My God, do they hear themselves????
My mother told me she didn't care if I slept with every man in town. I was about 14, had never even been kissed and she was mad about something with a curling iron I think. She also called me a slut with no respect for my body because I wanted to go to a dance with a black boy. I had a burn on my neck, it was so awful looking and embarrassing (it had come from acid on a lime peel of all things... from HER drink) when I was about 12 or 13. She asked my dad if he thought it was really a hickey of some sort. I remember him getting very angry with her.
Nothing like a great mother figure, eh?
Love, Beth

[Hopalong]

Oh ye gods Seasons, Bones, Axa, Beth...

How dare they. How dare they not be thankful for the gift of a precious daughter.

This breaks my heart to read these stories.

I am just a middle-aged fool but I would adopt the girls in you in a heartbeat,
and love you so every day, and tell you over and over how grateful and glad I was
to see your shining eyes and hear about your day.

PFAGHH. These were not mothers. THEY were the accidents.

And here you four are. So beautiful, so determined, and so whole.

Hops

[Bones]

What kind words, bone. My God, do they hear themselves????
My mother told me she didn't care if I slept with every man in town. I was about 14, had never even been kissed and she was mad about something with a curling iron I think. She also called me a slut with no respect for my body because I wanted to go to a dance with a black boy. I had a burn on my neck, it was so awful looking and embarrassing (it had come from acid on a lime peel of all things... from HER drink) when I was about 12 or 13. She asked my dad if he thought it was really a hickey of some sort. I remember him getting very angry with her.
Nothing like a great mother figure, eh?
Love, Beth

Both of our mothers were SICK and TWISTED!  I admit that I HATE mine!

Bones

[Bones]

Oh ye gods Seasons, Bones, Axa, Beth...

How dare they. How dare they not be thankful for the gift of a precious daughter.

This breaks my heart to read these stories.

I am just a middle-aged fool but I would adopt the girls in you in a heartbeat,
and love you so every day, and tell you over and over how grateful and glad I was
to see your shining eyes and hear about your day.

PFAGHH. These were not mothers. THEY were the accidents.

And here you four are. So beautiful, so determined, and so whole.

Hops

Thanks, Hops!

Bones

[spyralle]

((((((((((((((seasons)))))))))))))))))))))) you will be sooo welcome in heaven.  In fact youu will probaly have a red carpet all the way up there xxxxxxxxxx

(((((((((((((bones, axa, beth)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I feel like we all had the same mother

((((((((((((hops))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) for being you..

What is it about Nmothers and sex and boys and self image and all that stuff that is so very important when we were teenagers.  I can remember when I started my periods..  It was awful.  I got it all wrong and was ashamed to ask..  My nmum refers to it as 'being unwell'.  When my daughter started hers we celebrated the fact that she was becoming a woman..  Nmum caught me kissing a boy once.  She nearly had a nervous breakdown.  It was like the end of the world had come..  I was 17..
When I was 20 she read my diary (Aregular occurance)  I had been thinking of going on the pill...  Oh my God all hell broke loose she tore it into shreds..  All her hair was standing on end..  She said I was going to put her in a mental hospital..  I had to live in my bedroom for a week...

She hated every boyfriend I had..  When I grew to dislike them too she would say.... oh no he was lovely..

I had such low self esteem..  I though I was ugly..  I still do.  Axa... You really struck a chord with me.  I did exactly the same thing and looked back on pictures of myself when I was young.  I was like a little blonde fairy.. yet a felt big and clumsy and ugly.  Now I feel I am old and big and clumsy and ugly...  I can never put my hair up because nmum said it looked awful..  I have a real problem wearing dresses...  nmum said I looked awfull in anything but jeans..  She said when I was in Spain that my relationships have never worked because I didn't make the most of myself..

I feel like my life has been wasted.  How the hell do you find self esteem.. where do you get it from???????????

Spyralle x

[Hopalong]

Dear Spy,

I believe your life has not been wasted.
I believe your mother's opportunity for motherhood was.

I think you can find self-esteem in working with abandoned or abused animals.
Then lonely elderly.
Volunteer as a Literacy Tutor for an adult who can't read.

I think those things will remind you who you really are.

Deep inside, esteem is a natural function, like breathing. It's inherent. It's still in there.
Once you stop all influence of your mother in your life, I think it will come more easily.

You're smart enough to know it's deserved.
The only way to know how feeling self-esteem feels is to practice it, learn this way of thinking, just as if you were learning to read music and play the piano.

You can do it. It's about self-talk. When you have a positive phrase that represents your goal, in present tense, you can say it, over and over and over, to yourself.

At first you may want to stop because it feels like "a lie". Override that and do it anyway.
Keep at it and that feeling becomes real. But you need to fake it first. And that's okay.

Hops

[Bones]

((((((((((((((seasons)))))))))))))))))))))) you will be sooo welcome in heaven.  In fact youu will probaly have a red carpet all the way up there xxxxxxxxxx

(((((((((((((bones, axa, beth)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I feel like we all had the same mother

((((((((((((hops))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) for being you..

What is it about Nmothers and sex and boys and self image and all that stuff that is so very important when we were teenagers.  I can remember when I started my periods..  It was awful.  I got it all wrong and was ashamed to ask..  My nmum refers to it as 'being unwell'.  When my daughter started hers we celebrated the fact that she was becoming a woman..  Nmum caught me kissing a boy once.  She nearly had a nervous breakdown.  It was like the end of the world had come..  I was 17..
When I was 20 she read my diary (Aregular occurance)  I had been thinking of going on the pill...  Oh my God all hell broke loose she tore it into shreds..  All her hair was standing on end..  She said I was going to put her in a mental hospital..  I had to live in my bedroom for a week...

She hated every boyfriend I had..  When I grew to dislike them too she would say.... oh no he was lovely..

I had such low self esteem..  I though I was ugly..  I still do.  Axa... You really struck a chord with me.  I did exactly the same thing and looked back on pictures of myself when I was young.  I was like a little blonde fairy.. yet a felt big and clumsy and ugly.  Now I feel I am old and big and clumsy and ugly...  I can never put my hair up because nmum said it looked awful..  I have a real problem wearing dresses...  nmum said I looked awfull in anything but jeans..  She said when I was in Spain that my relationships have never worked because I didn't make the most of myself..

I feel like my life has been wasted.  How the hell do you find self esteem.. where do you get it from???????????

Spyralle x


(((((((((((((((((((((((((Spyralle)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Bones

[axa]

Sweet Seasons,

What you have been through is just so sad.  My heart goes out to that poor 18 year old girl.  The thoughtlessness and ignorance of your  Ns was beyond words.  I am sure there is a place for you in heaven.  One time when XN and I had an accident in bed and I mentioned the risk of pregnancy he told me You can always get rid of it.  What cold callous creatures they are.

xxxxxxxxxx

Hops enjoy church, bit of a buddist myself, well more like a wanna be buddist!!!

xx
axa

[spyralle]

Thanks for that Hops.  I've never managed to get past the stage where I think it's a lie so I obviously have to persevere..

It's interesting what you say about finding self esteem in working with the needy.  I've been doing that for most of my career..  addicts, homeles, eating disorders, prisoners...  It's funny, when I look back now all my different types of clients have reflected a part of me...  I am in a job now where I have no client contact and though on the one hand it is a great experience I miss that feeling of making a small difference in someone's life..

I don't know if you remember but my partner (before the horrendous ex N) died of Cardiomyopathy..  I have just registered to do voluntary woork with partners and parents who have suffered a loss of a loved one through this awful disease..

See even talking to you about that now I feel like a fraud and I don't know why.  When I get upset I feel like a fake too..  It's bizzare.  I can't ever acknowledge that my feelings are real.  I always feel like I am looking for attention.  I think it's because when I was a child I used to cry a lot.  My family used to mimic me.  I would sit in my bedroom and cry louder and louder hoping that someone would come and make it ok,  but it was like my tears were worth nothing to them....  I could not really be upset..  I know I am rambling a bit I am just trying to work it out I guess....

Axa..  I had a similar experience.  When I thought I was pregnant ex N said....  If you have it I will just resent it....!!!!!!!!  Aren't they lovely!

Spyralle x

[Hopalong]

self esteem in working with the needy.  I've been doing that for most of my career..  addicts, homeles, eating disorders, prisoners... 

I miss that feeling of making a small difference in someone's life..

I have just registered to do voluntary woork with partners and parents who have suffered a loss of a loved one through this awful disease..

Spy...

What kind of person does this? Pretend it's not you.
Pretend you're just an observer, and you learn these things about this person.

What kind of person is she?

Hops