empty

[gratitude28]

axa,
For me drinking was what filled the hole for so long. I hated it and craved it at the same time. I knew I would feel like shit if I had it, but at the same time, I welcomed feeling like that. Sick and weird I know... but I think you understand what I mean. The time after, when I just couldn't go on the way I was living, I kind of collapsed. I just plain withdrew. From everything. You can't cure that. You can only wait it out. Nothing will take that away right now. However, soon you will notice that the days are a bit better than before. And after that, you will notice you are having many more decent days. And now, I can attest, I have tons more good days than I have bad days. Getting comfort from pain is not unusual for us...and in order to banish that from our lives, we truly need to change and to get down to the roots of why we wanted that. You are already starting to work through that.
Lots of love and the knowledge that in a bit of time, and without noticing, you WILL be feeling better. The emptiness fills itself with things you can't even hope for now.
Love you,
Beth

[Hopalong]

Hi Axa,

I know those underwater days.
I hope you soon start seeing the light at the surface,
and discover how the everyday water will carry you...

Hops

[axa]

Hi Guys,

Thank you for your encouragement.  Think I will drum up some imaginary parents.  I am lucky that i do not feel depression, just sad and angry at times and a bit lost.  I am determined not to let a piece of trash like XN destroy my life.  I wish I had more motivation around doing things.  Seems like the days are just drifting with little joy right now.  I will work on this.  Have been struggling with doing some art but cannot get around to it.  Will try again today.  Part of my focus at the moment is not to get addicted to the pain.  This would be an old familiar way for me and I feel like I wasted much of my life hanging onto the pain.  I know I must feel the loss but in a way that is healthier not debilitating. 

I am very aware of the adult part of me saying OK Girl this is your life, it can be good but you have to do it for you and the Chid part of me is wanting to be held and fed and taken care of.  Got to get these two parts integrated so that they can be there for each other.  Tomorrow I see my therapist thankfully.  I know this will help.

Think I will take you guys on as my loving parents, if that is ok.  Feel so cared for and heard here.


axa

[Hopalong]

Axa,

Come to Mama! (Well, you could choose a saner Rent-A-Mom but we'll do it in shifts...)

I think when you let go of an addiction to pain there's a curious silence.
Maybe you could sneak up on yourself a bit with some carefully chosen music?

Just inch from Wagner up to the Lovin' Spoonful?

Hops

[axa]

Hi Hops,

What a Mama you'd make, lots of fun and very very sane by the sounds of it. 

Moved on from Wagner not quite at Lovin spoonful, but maybe in the middle somewhere.  A little world music with lots of strong melodies I am thinking.  Need to have a look at music collection, very eclectic...a little like myself.

See you later,

xxxaxa

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((axa))))))))))))))))

Have you ever tried a mindless hobby? I picked up knitting when I was in my inbetween stage. I do it now just to relax and create really neat things... Now that my life has moved along... I have done what they said and cultivated too many hobbies!!!! I have had to cut back You'll be there before you know it.

BTW, you sound great today!!!!! And you should be so proud of yourself! Not everyone is as smart and strong and capable as you are and have been!

Love, Beth

[axa]

Hi Gratitude & Hops,

Well, I feel great.  I spent the evening painting........... its been a while.  I made two pieces which I am very pleased with.  Got great energy from working with the paint.

Also took the advice of doing some drawing with my non dominant hand......... interesting experience.  Felt like a child having to concentrate, think my tongue was sticking out of my mouth!!! ...not a pretty sight.  The drawings were very sad but cathartic, will keep this up.

So much of this process is about taking care of  yourself.  I know I and probably most people here know it but the doing of it is what makes the difference.  Feel a shift in my energy. 

Tired but happy............

axa

[Gaining Strength]

Axa - don't let the parent in you expect the little girl to get going before her cast has even dried.  you got run over by a mac truck and I'm sure you will be hobbling around like mad on your walker but wait a minute mama the plaster's still wet so the baby better recuperate a little while before you start cracking that whip.

[Hopalong]

AWESOME that you are doing art, Axa!
Woo-hoo!

Hops

[axa]

GS & Hops,

Thanks for support. I will be careful with this little one.  I am thinking of incorporating some of my child drawings into a piece of art. I feel as if I want some tangible evidence of the struggle I am working with.  While I do much of the "head" stuff here with you guys I am aware of a need to work at another level, maybe with that silenced voice.

XXXX Axa

[seastorm]

Hi Axa;

Reading through this thread I see you trying to find your way through the hurt and pain. I am so happy to hear that you are painting and expressing that inner child in you. That is a great idea and I think I will try this.
I have always likes drawings done by the non dominant hand. It is like the truth just creeps through without the carefulness and control of the dominant hand.
I decided to do a painting of a group of us sitting around a table. I cut out pictures of movie stars from the twenties and thirties in interesting stances so that the body language is really strong. These women had feeling and depth in their faces. Funny where art can lead us. But it is to a better place and through the maze.
I work with children who have been traumatized and art is the only way I know to access what is going on for them. They don't have the vocabulary to explain the complicated situations of their lives. One little boy drew a snowman. I asked him what it was.... He said, "a snowman". I couldn't see at first anything to distinguish this snowman for a normal snowman.  I asked him "What would the snowman say if he could speak?"   He said,"Help me!  I'm melting!" Then the story slowly came out.
In my job I am very much encouraged to use cognitive behavioural therapy with traumatized people. It is helpful but it misses so much that is deeply worthwhile. I want to go back to work but work toward being in an environment where art and soul matter. Seems too much to hope for.

Sea storm

[axa]

Sea,

Did some more of those drawings last night, very very emotional.  I also did an exercise from John Bradshaw's book Homecoming.  The exercise was to write a letter from the adult me to the child me, then to write a letter from the child to the adult.  Boy did that send the tears flowing.  Very very moving.

Dont know what I would do without this place, feeling fragile, dreams again, that I was pregnant.

Axa

[Gaining Strength]

You are pregnant Axa.  You are giving birth to a new you.  You will be a kind and caring mother ready to comfort and soothe the bumps and stumbles in life's rocky road.  Get ready.  You will be a kind and caring mother.  Lucky baby you!!! - Gaining Strength

[axa]

Gaining strenght


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Would you believe this had a dream last night that I was pregnant. But it was ok.  Had a couple of scares with XN and took the morning after pill.  He thought I should just wait and see cause we would have made such a "wonderful child".  Glad I trusted my instict and went to the doctor.  From what I have listened to hear I am sooooooooo happy I do not have to share a child with him  My sympathy to all of you who have children with Ns at least I am free.  wishing you all strength.

Axa

[seastorm]

Oh Axa, I can hear your pain and how you are trying to explore who you are and how you got hear.
That exercise from Bradshaw sounds really good. Will try it.
It seems that you are shifting your attention to yourself rather than concentrating on N.  When I do this I get in hot water and can barely stand it.  When I concentrate on myself and being in the present I am in survival mode.
I learn a lot from you Axa. You are facing this crisis with grace and intelligence and not just going for some bandaide like another relationship or running back to N.
Bless you on your journey.

Sea Storm