empty

[axa]

Feeling very empty today.  Withdrawl I guess. The wounds hurt so bad.

axa

[Stormchild]

((((((((((axa))))))))))

I shared some ideas on the strategies thread... yes, it is a lot like withdrawal symptoms. We do become addicted to them and sometimes even to the games they play with our hearts. Not really to the game, though, it's the bait. The fact that they are kind to us one minute every ten years... we keep hoping for more minutes of kindness and ignoring the years of abuse that we put up with as payment for that one minute.

Nobody who really loves you can enjoy hurting you on purpose. It's just not possible. Hold fast...

[axa]

stormchild,

Thank you. I think you are right I hate the games but was addicted to the bait........something to really think about in this.  I told XN at times when he told me he loved me that it felt like he hated me.  That was another truth, need to remember this. 

I am glad that he is out of my life.  There seems to me to be a problem with the empty space he left and that is what I think I am struggling with right now.  Any thoughts,

axa

[Stormchild]

Some of it may just have to be endured - some of it can be filled. You can't have pets, right, because you travel? Some healthy self-indulgence may fill the bill. Maybe do something splurgy for yourself today, since it's the 30th, and tomorrow turn in early with a cup of cocoa and a good book? Or if people are a better distraction for you, do tomorrow with friends who don't mind one extra in the party? [at my age that's not so easy to arrange - don't know how it is for you].

There are some truly good movies out now, thank g-d, you might go to a couple of matinees, too.

It's so hard dealing with this kind of issue at this time of year. All the professional helpers are off duty... you can feel like there's nowhere to go. Fortunately, there's here...

((((((((((axa))))))))))

[axa]

Stormchild,

Posted on another thread that I have made plans.  Decided I was not going to let him claim my present.  He has had some of my past but he aint getting my future.  I am going to live and have a life and he will not stop that.  He stole enough from me.  He will not steal my future.

Thank you for your support.........you have no idea how much it helps


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx to you

axa

[Hopalong]

Hear, hear matinees. I may do 2 this wknd.

Axa, I think the emptiness is key, and probably where the answers are.
Your description did strongly make me think of Pema Chodron's book When Things Fall Apart.

I think her writing could be helpful to you now, maybe even a lot.

(((((Axa)))))

Hops

[spyralle]

Oh that empty space......  What do we fill it with when we have spent all our energy on them before.  Even when they weren't there.  How do I make him love me more.  Does he not think I'm attractive any more.  What can I do to make hime really happy....  How much can I surprise him and become the perfect partner for that precious ten seconds...  and on and on and on...  It is an addiction.  I work with addicts and the one thing they all talk about is that empty space.  For them it isn't just the space where they are actually using that they miss.  It is all the other stuff around it..  Thinking about the drug, out finding money to get the drug, scoring it, getting ready to use it, talking about it.....  And when it is out of their lives.  Even though they can understand the destruction it has caused they miss it...  they miss the lifestyle that brought them the misery..  They crave for the drug..  They see it as the answer to all their problems...

Sorry Axa  just rambling a bit..  There is such a parallel... but you are doing this thing.  You know I think back over the last year and a half and I crawled through it on my hands and knees...  But I'm still going and so are you...  REJOICE IN THAT FACT!!!! and start a brand new year full of plans for YOU..... 

((((((((((((((((((((((((Axa))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Spyralle x

[sea storm]

The emptiness is fear i think. It is a strange and disorienting feeling in the body that signals abandonment.
My heart goes out to you. You struggle so hard to made sense of the abuse you suffered and the final abandonment by your N. I agree that you need to indulge yourself with anything that you love. Follow your bliss. You mentioned painting. Go to a life drawing class, invite some fellow artists for an artist soiree, get a pedicure. This kind of thing is critical I think. When I start panicking I can trace it back to not taking care of my needs and nurturiing myself. Special warm blanket whatever it takes..
Keep contact during the pain. There is healing in going through the emptiness with support.

There is no quick cure for this process but in having the willingness to go through the pain and face the black dogs there is a chance of resurrection into a healthier life and happiness.  There is no going back.

I send much love to you.

Sea Storm

[freeme2live]

((( axa))))

I know I've not posted much here but I hear ya and glad you are NOT going to let your xN have any power over your future and your life! A cup a cocoa sounds good with a good book or a good movie. Your looking at this healthier. Am pullin for ya.

Free

[reallyME]

I've had two thoughts about the "empty" feelings lately...

One is, I started almost feeling bad about posting regarding X, thinking that if I hadn't ever started posting, she'd still be in my life...but then, I thought, ya know, if she really was on this board the past couple weeks, reading what not only I but others said, if she truly had a heart, she wouldn't be shunning me, she'd be APOLOGIZING PROFUSELY AND GETTING HELP FOR HER FAMILY AND HER.

Amazing how we are still tormented long after the big vicious storm times!

~RM

[mountainspring]

Hi axa.... I'm pullin for ya too.   Books help me to distract myself too.  Does your library carry audio books? Maybe listening to a book might help? 

[axa]

Thank you for your posts

MS.......... books do help, reading is one of my favourite things and somehow I gave that up when with XN back to that.  Thanks for suggestion.


The emptiness IS FEAR.  It is linked in with abandomnet issues for me.  I was abandoned by NParents but throughout my adult life, because I did not understand the need to take care of myself, I have abandoned myself.  Throughout these past weeks I have a sense, through all the pain, hurt, emptiness, I have not abandoned me.  Getting rid of XN was the most powerful thing I have done to claim my right to life.  I am worth more than abuse.  I need to know and know and know this. 

I will paint this week.  I am seeking out soft times with friends and many doors are open to me.  I have changed my pattern of isolating myself with my pain.  I am not spending my time with friends talking about XN.  I am sharing my time with them as joyfully as I can.  Filling the empty space.  I feel less afraid.

I am seeing that the bad times come but the bad times go.  The good times come and the good times go.  Everything is changing and flowing. I do not feel hopeless.  I see that everything is moving and maybe this is just how life is. 

I have some sense of being more adult then I have ever been in my life........ I know I need to look after me. 

Sypralle,

Your post about addicts makes a lot of sense to me.  The drug (XN) is gone but the incredible amount of time I spent figuring out ways to do this/that to make things ok is now my time.  I need to be disciplined about this.  I need to invest my time in myself in a healthy way.  The drama is over and I have some addiction to the drama, though I hate to admit it.  I am looking at ways of having excitement in my life which are healthy.

I appreciate all the input


xxxxx axa

[Gaining Strength]

Wow axa - these two lines speak volume about where you are on your journey -

" I am not spending my time with friends talking about XN.  I am sharing my time with them as joyfully as I can.  Filling the empty space. "

Those words sound like sweet music.  You have turned an important corner in your journey.  I am so glad for you.  So very glad for you. - your friend, Gaining Strength

[axa]

GS

Feeling exhausted today.  My energy is very low. I have been drifting over the past few weeks and need to get some order in my life.  I am not working at the moment but have applied for an interesting postiion which I should know about mid january.  The days seem long.  Iknow part of taking care of myself is to instil some routine into my life but there is part of me saying NO, that is the child who wants someone to come and make it ok.  NOt going to happen,  Need to do some growing up and take responsiblity around being productive in my day.  I know i will feel better if i do, just plan lazy right now.

could do with some encouragement.


axa

[Gaining Strength]

You can be there for that little child.  You can do for that little child what she needs and what noone else ever took the time to do.  I know it may sound corny but if you use a little imagination it can help a little.  I have at times actually created imaginary parents who  really care and encourage me.  I conjure them up every now and then and here their words or wisdom and the more I do it he more it helps.  Really!  What have you got to lose? - I'm stand by cheering you on = step by step - your friend - Gaining strength