will i ever stop loving him

[axa]

Sandra,

It sounds like hell to me.

I looked at the subject of this post and I want to ask you something.  Can you tell me what you love about him.  it may be useful to try and name it.

Thinking of you


AXA

[sandra]

   Hi all thanks for your replies....it has taken me until 1pm to get out of bed today, i just cant be bothered to get on with anything...i don't start back to work until next week.

Yes i have got myself a lawyer but I have been told that all the time his name is on the house deeds I am not allowed to change the locks and he has a right to come into the house if he so wishes although my Lawyer did suggest in a letter that he takes them out for dinner once a week from 6pm-9.30pm......this rarely happens he always says he has no money, he turns up at 7-7.30 and leaves somewhere before 10pm...if I dare say anything he just starts being abusive and telling me that I am mad and need to see a doctor!!!
He has said that he would not come into the house unless we were here but he will not give me back his key either......i have told him that i am not comfortable with this but i always get the same reply.. yes you guessed it...... This is my!!!!!!!! Then he laughed and said  did I think he was going to come in at night and rape me?

I have filed for divorce but he has not signed the papers yet. He first of all thought i had got a friend to send some papers....how thick!!! they had the court stamp on them........then he asked why I had sent them, why did I not wait a while for him to see what happens!!! I had asked and asked if he was coming home but he always replied that he would not give this woman up as she was his FRIEND...the only one he has!!! so i stopped asking and took some action, there is only so many times you can ask the same question.

Axa- you asked what I love about him.....He is the father of my children and really the only man i have ever been with. I got used to not having hugs and kisses and guessed that this was a normal relationship between husband and wife. If i used to go and give him a cuddle he would either say what do you want or stand there tapping his feet until I stopped....so I did.
I have been asked this question so many times and i guess that its all i have known and all that I am entitled to......

We have had some good times but there has also been some bad times....like when HE went through post natal depression both times after having each of our children....with our son the first born he went through it we he was about a month old....with my daughter she was 2 days old...he would not have anything to do with them, did not help with anything...he took the time off work when i had my daughter to look after our 3 year old and didn't do a thing...
He never got on with my parents and this made life rather difficult at times...if there was a family get together he would sulk in a corner somewhere and want to go home as soon as we got there.

sorry i have started to ramble.

This is such a wonderful place to be able to spill my guts about everything Thank you

sad and lonely

Sandra x

[axa]

Sandra,

So sorry you are having such a hard time.  He sounds horrible.  Can you leave the house, go see a friend when he calls, at least you would not have to share the same air as him.

Hope its okay to go back to what you love about him.  By all accounts there was not love on his side but is there anything that you can say you love about him now.  I found making a list of words, one on each line, of my experiences with XN very helpful.  The list is long, there were two positive things on the list, he was smart and funny the other 24things were soooooooo negative.  I just looked at them and thought could I really love this person who has so little in common with me and the answer was a resounding NO.  Looking at the reality of the situation, the truth of the "relationship" hit me straight between the eyes.  No I do not love him, it was all some sad pathetic fantasy that I had cooked up to make the pain bearable.

Thinking of you xxxx Axa

[sandra]

 

Hi all

Have started back to work today but as yet cannot get in the swing of things.....my head feels completely muddled and cant stop thinking about things at home...

Nex came round of Saturday as i had not responded to his text message about taking the kids out Sunday (or rather one of the kids as my son plays football and he will not take him). He was very smug as he had got one over on me again and i am sure he just came round so that he could laugh in my face.

Just before Christmas we had to pay for the sofas we had purchased last year and for the first time ever it had been put in his name, if it had not been payed by December 27th he would have had to pay double....so he kept on and on for me to give him half the money for it.....I told him that i could only afford £400 so he said that he would except that......its now January and the maintenance has just been paid into my bank account but its £100 short....I called him and asked why and he laughed and said you still owe me for the sofa!!!!!!!
I feel so stupid.......I set myself up every time and fall from a great height.

He says he loves the kids but he never really had that much to do with them all these years now my daughter thinks he is the most wonderful dad on this earth......he gives her a kiss and a cuddle every time he arrives and leaves....this is the first time in the 12years since she was born... but I think he is just using her to gain information about what I spend money on as he seems to know everthing that is going on....am i just being cynical?

My heart just sinks everytime he is near! My son is finding life hard and I feel as though it is all my fault....if i had stayed with his dad would he be OK. (but it was his dad that left for his fancy woman)

Do you ever feel whole again after an Nex has left or does it just take a while.

sorry this is such a rambling mess but as i said my head is all over the place.

woolly headed

Sandra x

[Hopalong]

Dear Sandra,

YES you will feel whole...and perhaps for the first time.

And it will be wonderful.

This pain will pass. I am sorry he's being mean and manipulative.

You are so hurt, so understandably hurt.

Can you: change the locks on the house, and block his emails?
Can you tell him if he wants to geta message to you about visiting the kids he needs to do it by phone?

As hard as it is, your kids will have to figure out who he is for themselves.
You will help them most by deciding that your dignity is all you need to show them.
Don't "badmouth" him in front of them even when he deserves it.

This is what they'll remember...who was dignifiied and decent.
But don't go too far, stick up for yourself too when he's being unreasonable.

The past is gone. His choice is made. Let him live with it.
And as soon as this transition's through you are going to have a new world of choices of your own.

Hang in there,
Hopalong

[sandra]

 

thanks hopalong

Sandra x

[axa]

SAndra,

Hope today is a bit better for you.  Hang on in there

axa

[sandra]

Thanks Axa

Still cant quite get focused at work although i have managed to look busy by doing nothing.......

Mind you the Chief Executive wants to catch up with me over a policy that i should have written.....and not done.....guess i am going to get a telling off so will need to get my head down and stop thinking about things at home...

My Nex keeps saying that i am a nutter and going to loose my job so i need to prove him wrong!!!

thanks everyone for your wonderful support i feel as though i have a whole new family.

Love

Sandra x

[spyralle]

Ugh... Don't you just want to bop him one on the nose...

Sorry Sandra but this brings back so many memories for me.  A year and a half ago I was also wondering if I could ever get through a day I was in that much pain.  and I am still here and it is getting easier...  keep posting the real stuff.  Everytime you sit down and start craving him.. ask yourself..'What is it that I am craving??  Make lists of the things he did.  Talk about it, Get it out in the open and really look at it.  Very painful stuff but that's what heals..

You said you had a friend that understood but you didn't want to keep bothering her..  I'm sure if she understands she will be there for you..  You are worth being heard.  Stand up and shout it out and get it all out of your system.  You are worth so much more than that!!!!!

And when he says you are a nutter mentally hold up a mirror to him..  Don't absorb his rubbish..  This is his stuff.  Try not to pick it up when he throws it at you..  Somebody has to carry it...  If you don't take it off him he will have to keep hold of it...  Sorry if I sound a bit angry.  I'm just angry for you.. and for me I guess and for everyone on here that has been at the mercy of these parasitic b**t**ds...

Look at the love that is on this board and the kindness and sensitivity of people who have been rejected and rubbished and spend their time supporting and helping one another  That's what matters in this world..  Those bloody N's may not see that but we do...

How dare he call you a nutter...  he was the crazy one to walk away from a family that loved him..  He is the loser around here.  You be proud that you are a dignified gentle loving person that is holding that little family together.

Spyralle quickly stepped down off her soapbox and slipped into the shadows feeling a little embarrassed for having lost her temper...Even though it was a just cause!!!!!!!!!

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[sandra]

 
Spyralle

You can get on your soapbox anytime you like.

I know my friend is there for me, and i hope she knows i am there for her.

Take care

love

sandra x x x

[Peapod]

Hi Sandra

Focusing on stopping something is always hard whatever the task. However, focusing on actively doing something else to replace what you wish to overcome may help you find the task in hand easier than you thought.

Spend time consciously focusing on loving your valuable self, your kids, other people in your life, and you might slowly find yourself lifted from the grip of doing what you don't wish to do.

All the best to you and your family,

P x

[axa]

Thanks peapod, taking to heart what you said.  Staying focused and giving yourself a break really does help

axa

[sandra]

 

Thanks guys i feel really lifted with all your good vibes.

love

Sandra x

[seastorm]

Sandra,

Your ex sounds like an immature little nitwit. He is manipulative and a miser. All hightly unlikeable qualites. The fact that he disrespects the mother of his chilldren has Nothing to do with you. This kind of behaviour belongs to a misoginist. He would treat anyone he was married to in this lowdown, power tripping and disgusting way.

He sounds like a control mad, insecure sick puppy.  Especially around the sex. This happened to me too and I had no idea what was going on. He said that it was my fault and I had been too demanding and critical. He did mention that it was a problem in his other two marriages as well. This is a dead give away that a man is very disorganized mentally. You can't expect a rational and well balanced opinion about anything from this guy.
It is so sad that you are blaming yourself.  You were kind and loving to him and he didn't have a clue what that is all about. It was your lucky day when he left.
He is putting the screws to you now and he seems very clever and manipulative in this area. Listen to your sisters here because they have been through it.
Forgive yourself for feeling spaced out. This is a NORMAL reaction to the trauma you have experienced.
I notice that you say "oh I am sorry for rambling" just when you are really getting into your story. You have a voice here and say all that you wasnt or need to.  This is a crisis in your life and you deserve loving support.
Write ten times a day if you need to. One day you will find that you don't feel like writing here so often.

I send you so much love and llight. You are being bullied by this weenie. I know how much your heart hurts and slowly it will get better. I didn't believe I had the strength to survive my partner leaving me for another woman.  It was inconceivable. But here I am.  I am so grateful that I have survived.

Love to you ,

Sea Sorm

[axa]

Hi Seastorm,


What were you doing having sex (or not) with my XN ?????????????????????????????????

xxxx Axa