Power

[axa]

I mentioned this in one of the threads today but would like to get feedback on the whole power thing.

The more I reflect the more the idea of power over hatred seems to sit with me.  Almost everything to do with XN had a connection with power.  When he did not have the power whether with me/work/kids whatever he would rage.  His withholding was using his power, his little boy voice, tears, empty words were very powerful as I got hooked into them and would move from my place of power to nurture him and almost instantly he would "recover" from his distress.  He had the power again. 

hate and love are two sides of the one coin imo.  Any thoughts on this


Axa

[Brigid]

Axa,
When my ex and I were in therapy together for the 6 weeks before he left, I figured out that our whole relationship suffered from an imbalance of power.  He was mostly a weak little boy who was totally intimidated by his father and felt unsupported by his mother.  I spent much of the marriage caring for him and trying to make him stronger.  If I became angry with him about anything, he would accuse me of not being a good supportive wife, who afterall, was leading a comfortable life, able be be a SAHM and he went to work every day.  I would feel guilty, the discussion would end, nothing would be resolved and so it went for 20+ years.

On the one hand, he viewed me as a mother figure--which partially explains his lack of interest in having sex with me, but he also used the avoidance of intimacy as his form of power over me.  He knew it was the one thing I wanted most (not just the sex, but the closeness and emotional intimacy), and the one thing he could withhold.  The worst thing was, that he was totally dishonest about his lack of interest in sex.  He would blame it on being too tired, meds he was taking, work stress, low testosterone levels--whatever.  And I believed him.  To find out that he was viewing porn and gratifying himself for all those years, totally blew me away.  I felt so stupid for not having seen that, even though there were signs right in front of me.

When he announced that the marriage was no longer working for him and that he had found a new love, I gave up all my power to him, in the hopes of convincing him to stay in the marriage.  I became a pathetic pile of goo, begging him to stay and work things out.  It was then that I began to see the real n personality come out.  Once he realized how much power he had over me, he took every advantage he could.  He humiliated me on so many levels, until I finally broke the spell and started taking my power back.  There were a few episodes after that where I weakened and tried to once again save the marriage, but eventually I gave up and began to see the man he really was.

It is such a long, difficult process to come to terms with who these men really are, and why they were able to draw us in and keep control for so long.  Through a lot of therapy, I finally got it, and hopefully will never make that mistake again.

Brigid

[axa]

Brigid,

This may make you feel not so alone.  I gave up so much of my power to him, handed over bit by bit in the hope that he would appreciate what I was doing to be with him.  XN viewed me as an authority figure(which he hated) so I got the rage of every authority figure he had ever encountered in his life.  I agree part of the withdrawal from sex was also about withdrawing from any intimacy and closeness.  It is difficult to be physically and emotionally close to someone and not SEE what is going on.  The more distance, the more power.

I did all the begging/pleading/therapy bit with him also.  Glad in some ways I did that because the more I gave the more I became aware of his devaluation of me.  Great when the scales fall from you eyes the beginning of the road to recovery.

I do think it boils down to when they have no power over you they have no interest, the game is up.  Working hard on recognising my own power so I too do not go down the road to hell again.

axa

[mudpuppy]

My own personal word of choice is "control". I think they're desperately afraid of losing control of any situation and having their inner insecurities exposed, so they attempt to control everyone and everything around them.

I imagine that's why they withdraw from intimacy or any real closeness with anyone as well. They know anybody who gets close enough is going to see their inner person who they believe is a worthless, weak and screwed up misfit. And that is the ultimate loss of control that they live in dread of; that somebody will find them out.

mud

[axa]

Mudpuppy,

Your post makes a lot of sense to me.  I SAW Xn and was not shy about telling him so.  Yes, he was worthless, weak and screwed up imo and also he agreed he was not normal so that was the end of that.  When I saw him at last he could not control me as he knew the weeping, little boy voice etc was never going to work again.  Exit stage left!  i took back my control/power over my life so his worst nightmare came through.


axa

[Brigid]

Mud,
You are absolutely right.  They need to keep the control to avoid exposing the damaged interior.  My ex did it for so many years and was a pro at hiding behaviors and lying.  No one suspected a thing.  His major downfall came when he gained the position of having so much power over me and wanting to flaunt it, that he started telling me some of the truths of his behaviors--to see how much he could hurt me and how far he could go and still see me wanting him.  I'm sure I'll never know all of the behaviors he engaged in, nor would I want to, but I knew enough to establish how seriously twisted he was.

Months later, when I threw it back at him, he denied ever having said such things--or, claimed that ALL men watch porn, so what's the big deal.  We certainly know that is not true, but I did have to remind him that even if some, many, most; whatever, men watch porn, they rarely wish to use it as a replacement for the actual act with their partners.

Control and power are not necessarily synonymous in this case, but they do go hand in hand with these n personalities.  They need to control themselves, while maintaining power over their victims, imo.

Brigid

[seastorm]

Axa,

I think you are so right. It is all about POWER for the full blown N. It is really helpful to realize this. Forget whatever they sandwich it between the real meat of the matter is maintaining control. It is the abiding rule and raison d'etre for their being. Isn't this absolutely bonkers???????  I just have to get this.

Thanks for the insight.

Seastorm

[axa]

seastorm,

XN would call me every day when he was not with me........ lots of contact which I interpreted as "love" have heard nothing from him because he knows that he cannot control me any longer.  Funny how when I told him that I was having friends over and he could go and spend time with his kids that evening, I had planned a trip, joined a group his interest in me wained.  I got a life and I did not need him suddenly his xwife became very attractive, attentive, loving and such and interesting person.  I mean she real "heavy books!" suddently she was not the boring, inept, abusive woman he claimed.......... oh its all about control.

NFree life is hard but good

axa

[axa]

Heres the light Moonlight.


axa