A word of warning about privacy settings...

[reallyME]

Hey there...I have some info for you all.  On the internet there really is no such thing as being anonymous or having privacy.

First of all, this board is open to ANYONE.

Secondly, all someone has to do is type some words in the right place and they can find out what they want.

The internet has been that way for years!  It is unmoderated and uninvestigated unless something very serious occurs.

Tonight, I went to yahoo, typed in reallyME and it showed all the posts I've ever put on this list...so if you don't want people to know things about you, you might want to re-think even posting things online that someone you post about could get ahold of.

I know that the people I've posted about are aware of it now, but I'm glad, because they needed to hear what I had to say and hopefully do some serious prayer time with God and some examining of their own hearts.

~RM

[Dr. Richard Grossman]

Hi everyone,

I hope everyone understands now that their e-mail address was never public.  One of the requirements for participating on this board is that each poster provide a valid e-mail address.  This is an important tool in helping me keep the board safe and secure.  Without it, I would have to shut the board down.  Everyone who changed their e-mail to an invalid one must change it back to a valid address a.s.a.p. 

Thanks!

Richard

[Nosuchperson]

Hi everyone,

I hope everyone understands now that their e-mail address was never public.  One of the requirements for participating on this board is that each poster provide a valid e-mail address.  This is an important tool in helping me keep the board safe and secure.  Without it, I would have to shut the board down.  Everyone who changed their e-mail to an invalid one must change it back to a valid address a.s.a.p. 

Thanks!

Richard

There is no such thing as 'must', unless you are the parent and we the children.  I was not aware that this board had that dynamic.  Sorry, Richard, but adults choose their own behaviour, and take the consequences.

I have chosen to delete my account, and take the consequence of being more alone than before, because alone and safe is better than the alternative.  I am more than happy for any of my friends on this board to have my email address, but that is not the issue.  It is dangerous enough to post the truth, without leaving a trail of breadcrumbs leading to it, and unless I know that trail will not exist from my personal profile, I will have no profile.  I faffed around for about 20 minutes trying to sort it out after seeing the first post on this thread, and got more and more anxious trying to find my way around hiding the email address, and in the end had to delete.  The email was not visible on the thread, but it was visible on the profile. 

Perhaps what you are saying is that others would not see it there, which is good, but was not clear at the time.

This post has a fake email. If you choose to delete it, then you are not the person I took you for.  This issue is one of safety, not of following your rules.  If we feel safe, we can follow the rules.  If we do not feel safe, you can whistle for them.  You can have no therapeutic setting without safety. 

Anyone I know who wants my real email has only to say so, and I will PM it to them.  Otherwise, I am gone.

October

[wontbeyourdoormat]

Based on the way you treat the people here who have been decent to you, it's no wonder you are alone.

Thanks for that projection.  Most enlightening.

I did not start this thread.  I am not self pitying, and neither have I abused anyone.  I have said we are all adults here, but perhaps I was wrong.

Live long and prosper.

[reallyME]

I just want to say that the one weapon any controller has that can work successfully, is to put you into FEAR of them.

My point in stating this is that, anything I've said on this board, I would say to the person that it's about FACE TO FACE and in fact, I HAVE in the past.  I am not afraid of her or her companions on this board or anywhere else.

If Jodi ever really knew my heart, one day, when God gets ahold of her, she will know that she once came across someone who loved her enough to point out some very serious problems, but that she chose instead to ditch me and our relationship, rather than go for counseling and inner spiritual healing to deal with her issues.  I loved her and her family and I still pray for them as led.  Am I bitter?  Not totally, but I am very disappointed that she wasn't truly the friend I thought she made herself seem to be.  I will always regret that till I breathe my last...and always wonder if she ever found freedom from her imbalanced ways.

I was even thinking about her today and remembering how much she enjoys lip balm...I know that seems silly, but people sometimes remember little things even about the people who hurt them at one time...makes them seem human again and just fallible, like anyone including me can be.

[pennyplant]

I think Dr. Grossman has undertaken a big responsibility in providing this board.  If people who participate are giving false email addresses then he has no method to track down true troublemakers.  That is the security issue that he has to deal with.

Our personal security issues involve real as well as perceived threats.  I learned at the very beginning of my participation in this board that if someone Googled the word or name "Pennyplant" every one of my posts will come up as a result.  The reason I googled it is because that is also the name I have always used for my email.  It turns out I probably should have come up with a different screen name so that my personal business wouldn't get mixed up with my public business.  But I didn't figure that out until I had already posted a couple hundred times.  I could have deleted my account once I realized my mistake.  But I didn't want to.  I decided to let go of that particular fear of "what if someone I know....."  While I'm not as brave and upfront as RM, I do tend to go about my life fairly openly and have learned to deal with the consequences of that.

Some of what seems to be occurring on this thread is that fear about what people thought was possible (as far as others discovering their identity) is lingering even after the realization that, in fact, your email is hidden to the other people who come here if you do decide to hide it.  What you can see on your profile is not what they can see, especially if they are not a member or not logged in.  I have tried to look at profiles only to discover that you cannot unless you are logged in.  So leftover fear is a personal bugaboo.  It does no one any good to let that leftover fear of what you thought was possible or thought was happening, interfere with what the truth is, once discovered.  It does no one any good to run away from a good place because of leftover fear.

The real Ns in our lives?  They would be bored by this place.  They would not be able to keep their attention on it long enough to read through all of it.  Imagine sitting a four-year-old down in a chair and making them listen to jazz or Mozart.  They'd be squirming in moments and probably crying within an hour.  They can't stand this kind of stuff.  BORING!!!!!  And they can't stand to be bored.

The fears described here are our own.  They come from the past.  This issue is triggering them.  That's all it is and it is manageable.  Each of us certainly has more control over our feelings on this issue than we have over other people's bahavior and other facts of life.

I'm staying and I'm not going to spend one minute of worry on whether someone I know might read what I write here.

Pennyplant

[moonlight52]

HEY Pennyp ,

Well said and a hooray .

I think maybe living in truth and living in fear

hummmmmmmmmmmm which is best.

Let's see yeah I like living in truth.......

[WRITE]

I'm not going to spend one minute of worry on whether someone I know might read what I write here.

I think I told you all I only have access to one computer now- my ex's.
I think it shows how much progress I/we have made when I can say to him- do  not interfere with my privacy and he laughed and said 'honey, you're not that interesting!' and that was it....I've had no paranoia or worries. If he looks and reads stuff he doesn't like well then he shouldn't look. But also- I try only to write and say stuff that isn't unfair or hurtful, I want to be reasonable too even when I am angry.

Re the security issues- I did not want my email public because of a few things I have written which compromised other people's privacy, even my professionalism;  I am trying to write more thoughtfully now and I've come to a place where- not everything needs to be said out loud in public, I can take some things to the privacy of my therapist's office or even now I am getting more resilient deal with them privately inside myself.

she once came across someone who loved her enough to point out some very serious problems, but that she chose instead to ditch me and our relationship, rather than go for counseling and inner spiritual healing to deal with her issues.  I loved her and her family and I still pray for them as led.  Am I bitter?  Not totally, but I am very disappointed that she wasn't truly the friend I thought she made herself seem to be.  I will always regret that till I breathe my last...and always wonder if she ever found freedom from her imbalanced ways.

people come to healing in their own time Laura, if you are praying for your ex-friend then it is for G_d now, that is all you can do.

Christmas is so hard, I really want to think of a more imaginative way to do it for our family and lessen the tension and heartache. It simply has horrible memories for me, going back years, and is a time of setback every single year.

But- the new clean slate of 2007 is almost here. Looking forward to that.

[moonlight52]

Dear Write ,

This is my idea of living in truth .

I'm not going to spend one minute of worry on whether someone I know might read what I write here.[/i

But- the new clean slate of 2007 is almost here. Looking forward to that.

I am also looking forward to living every moment in truth and love and healthy attachments in 2007 and the rest of my life.

Love to you 

moon

[Hopalong]

Come back, October!

Maybe a year from now we can all go on a cruise.
I'd love to skip the holidays.

Hops

[Passingthru]

Come back, October!

Maybe a year from now we can all go on a cruise.
I'd love to skip the holidays.

Hops

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Maybe. 

[ex member]

Hi Dr. G.,

First off, thank you for the gift of this board, very much. I can't imagine how much work it must be to maintain; thank you for that.

Second, something did change in the program re. our email addresses. At least, it did relative to my account. When I posted previously, if I clicked on my own account, my email address was listed as 'hidden'. Always. I checked this regularly. So my email address never appeared on the screen, even to me. Today, after reading this thread, I clicked on my own account and, instead of the word 'hidden', my home email address appeared on the screen. For the first time.

Maybe if I followed your instructions regarding checking in as guest, or asking someone else to check, I would have discovered that that address was only visible to me and you. But I didn't do that, due to the bolt of pure panic I felt when that address appeared, whereupon I immediately canceled my account. Because my anonymity here means everything to me, beginning with safe distance from a dangerous parent.

I'm guessing, based on this thread, that this same situation happened with others, which is why some folks are concerned or afraid that their privacy was violated. Personally, as much as I'm hoping that didn't happen, I feel very uneasy about whether my email address was exposed. I haven't visited much lately, am out of the loop as to what happened when VESMB went down...maybe this has all been explained elsewhere?

This is the way the program has always worked--nothing has changed.

I don't understand this, Dr. G.; at a minimum, our account screens did change--in a way that predictably caused some of us tremendous stress. I don't mean this as an accusation; I just don't understand. I thought this whole thread was a big misunderstanding...until that minute I clicked on my account and got scared out of my wits by the sight of my real name.

I'd really appreciate any light you could shed on this.

Also (on edit), I just read that we can't delete our posts after we've deleted our account. Considering the above, is there any process by which we can re-open our old account, if only to delete our old posts? The idea that my personal information may have been shared and I now have no recourse to remove posts that will no longer be private is a pretty terrifying possibility to me.


Thank you.

[Dr. Richard Grossman]

Hi ex member,

I’m sorry for your panic.  Let me say again that your e-mail address was never public.  After the board crashed, I updated to the latest, safest version.  It is possible that the software writers in the current version chose to let people see their own e-mail address under “profile” and next to their posts so they would be reminded to keep it current.  I don’t have a copy of the old version to compare the two.  But again, this was only visible to you, not to any other member or guest.  When I have upgraded versions, I have always double checked that e-mail addresses were kept private.  Except for one hacking incident a few years ago (a teenager did it for sport), the board has been remarkably safe.  That incident led me to switch to the current software. 

Unfortunately, one cannot re-create an old account to delete posts.  For whatever reason, the software writers have chosen not to allow that feature.

I hope this helps.

Best,

Richard

[ex member]

Hi Dr. G,

Thank you so much for responding so quickly; yes, your answer helped, loads. WHEW!

In the future, maybe it would help if the software writers informed you of any change at all, even something that struck them as insignificant, as to how folks' account information appears on the screen, so we can know in advance and reduce the panic factor.

Thanks again for all you do to keep this site up and running and making connections for us. Kudos for your hard work and sensitivity!

Happy New Year to you, and everyone here,

(very muy mucho relieved) ex member