Flying Solo

[WRITE]

Hi everyone, hope everyone is coping and havign a peaceful new year.

I am wanting to ask those who have been single for a while about some more skills for overcoming loneliness.

I'm not isolated exactly, working really hard, my son is over more and I spend time with him and his dad every day.

But there's no computer at mine now and the dog is with them so I am somewhat more isolated at home.

The main thing though is this feeling of there being no one to really discuss things with, you know the day you've had, plans for the week, all the kind of stuff you do with a partner ( even if you're not so happy either )

As for the happy bit, well I left my marriage and I have this brand new interesting peaceful life but- it's still lonely and I sleep alone, eat alone, never ever have sex or affection....

I've tried to make my family and work enough but there's just something fundamental missing.

Do I start dating and hope to have more positive expereinces?

Or should I begin to accept that I am meant to be alone and how do I prepare for that and cope with that?

I don't want to drift into another silly relationship out of loneliness or simple desparation to be held occasionally....

[Gaining Strength]

I am clearly not an expert on this subject but I have my own thoughts about it.  I have been alone for 5 and 1/2 years.  I like your phrase, "hope to have more positive expereinces?"  That is where I am.  I am very cautious but I haven't given up.  I would like to meet guys for coffee or something with no attachments at first.  Over the past two weeks I've seen two men who were attractive to me.  I keep their image in mind and imagine what a date with them would be like.  I think of this as my practise.  I am really lonely WRITE and I haven't made friends easily since my husband died but as I make great strides in getting on my feet I believe that I will make friends and find men I enjoy being with.  I finally like who I am, my judgement about people is improving and I think it is at last worth a risk to try dating or at least making male friends.  For the first time in my life I have strong enough boundaries that I am not afraid of letting some guy walk all over me.  Now I don't know how to meet men, but I was thinking about this just this morning, and I decided that I am going to continue my personal growth and I believe that as I grow I will open up to finding the right kind of people to befriend - men and women.  Hope it's sooner rather than later.  I'm also making an effort to entertain - mostly families but at least I'm putting myself out there.  Maybe this will lead to something. Who knows.

[isittoolate]

hello Write,

I live alone and "like it"
You won't like my way of overcoming loneliness.

I work at home, read books, watch movies, and just have to think that I am really enjoying myself. That THIS is the life!!!

I answer to no one, re my personal life, what I eat, where I go, what movies/books interest me, when to do the laundry, cleaning, shopping etc.

Anyone who caused me pain and sorrow in all the past years, who is still alive, I put a No Contact note on each in my mind, and why!

I have business conversations and emails all the time and that stands alone as my contact with others, along with store clerks and the ATM, or live teller.

That's why I joined here and poured out all my crap!--I think I have shut down and am not even depressed.

Good luck

Izzy

[Sela]

Hiya Write:

I've tried to make my family and work enough but there's just something fundamental missing.

Maybe what's missing is something fun or interesting that you enjoy doing or would like to learn?  Have you explored your interests?
Maybe you could join a class or take up a new art....become part of a a group?   They say the best place to meet others is where you are doing something you like.  Maybe it would help to get you involved in an activity that is just for you.  It would give you something to look forward too, too maybe?  Besides the routine.

Sela

[WRITE]

Good timing Sela!

My life is full of everything really- except sex and affection and a partner!

The sex I've been living without for ages anyway, but I would so love someone to cuddle up to occasionally...someone to walk in the park with, tell my day to...

Yesterday was a strange day, I went to do a group and one of my favourite patients, a wonderful soprano had passed away suddenly shortly before; I came in to distraught staff and other patients with a sense of loss but confused as to why, and family of other patients who need extra support at such times knowing they will be in the same position some day soon.
So I talked to people and made everyone more comfortable and did my group, which ran over by almost an hour by which time all the staff had gone and there was no one for me to discuss my sadness with.
My ex asked me very gently recently to stop calling him when I have a problem, he doesn't mind but he feels he's ready to move on to; this is so significant for him I didn't want to cut across it so soon.
So I went and had lunch and pottered around and called a couple of people who weren't home.
By the time I got my son from school he asked me my day and I burst into tears...it was nice for him to hear the story of this beautiful lady, and to comfort his mum, but it's just not the same for me not havign someone to share these times with somehow.
Even ex, with all the problems we've had, he understood when he came home; but I was glad I hadn't called him too, I shouldn't lean on him now he's moving forward.
He's met a woman he really likes too, someone who is in a problem marriage so he can't see her, but it brought it home to me that we really are finished with that part of our lives together, it's the first time I've seen him show interest in anyone in years!

You won't like my way of overcoming loneliness.

Hi isittoolate, oh I do, if it is working for you. It is wonderful to have a peaceful life with no dissention and do what you want to.

That's why I joined here and poured out all my crap!--I think I have shut down and am not even depressed.

I'm glad you are here!

GS, your words are so comforting and hopeful, I am going to print them off and adopt your positive attitude. Thank you.

Love to everyone (((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

Hi Write,
If you'll forgive a quick direct comment, hon, this is what I truly suggest:

a women's support group, not a new man

(Yet.)

I think this experience, weekly connecting at a deeper level, will strengthen you so when you do meet another potential mate, you won't become too swiftly enmeshed or miss pink or red flags...

love,
Hops

[WRITE]

hmmm, a womens' support group. The idea leaves me a bit cold. Wonder why?
Will think about it.
Off the top of my head I'd say two things put me off- finding one ( a suitable one or even any one...I don't know of any ) and I am so often falling into a helping role lately I'm getting exhausted; I want something that gives to me and that's not been my experience of many groups.
Also I am not sure what the focus would be.
I started a writers' group last year with two friends, we meet once a month. That's nice but like I say- last time I ended up driving across town half way through because one lady had tried to organise something there and the others all went to the original meeting or said they'd cancel.
I am very good at facilitating things, especially here in the US where people seem very fragile about arrangements...people are high maintenance sometimes.

I went to church choir tonight, now I'm over at ex's, they are watching tv, we just walked the dog.

I've booked a pedicure and a therapy appointment for tomorrow, maybe I just need someone to focus on me for a bit.

I'll start another post about the 'enmeshed' I need to focus on that, something from that love sex and romance addiction book you told me to read came to my mind last week, about living without real relationships and building fantasy ones instead.

I started developing a bit of a crush on someone new, he is sending me some signals but they are mixed and he's clearly unsure of himself as I am right now, but instead of running a mile or pushing things I decided I want to let things develop ( or not ) and be very present about my feelings and what is happening with me.
He's a nice guy and not likely to push anything or turn nasty I don't think!

Not many people 'get' me, they all think I am extrovert for one thing, and I'm not.

Thanks Hops, I will think about the women support group some more. What would I look for in that?

[Hopalong]

Hi Write,
It's just a funny hunch...and I could be off base.

I remember someone telling me quite passionately once, that if someone is only interested in one-on-one therapy, then a good stretch in a group therapy setting is probably what they will grow most in.
And the obverse: if one gravitates to groups, then there might be big growth in intensive one-on-one work.

My greatest hurt in life came from my mother's inability to love. Well, it was a tie with playground bullies and rejection (and that was from other girls). So I think it was very important healing for me to bond with other women as an adult and discover the powerful love, friendship, intimacy and insight that can come from this.

Not to replace a man in my life. But to help me find my own strength.

That's just how it worked for me, but for some reason I think it would be an empowering experience for you. The groups I've done have been intentionally very loosely themed. You could call a women's organization and ask what's around...?

Just a thought.

hugs,
Hops

[seastorm]

Write:

Well, good for you for feeling like spreading your wings. Loneliness is good I think. It reminds me that i do need people. I think it is better to socialize with friends and find a satisfying way to do this rather than try to get the lonely feelings taken care of by a date.

I know two people who met partners on the internet. One is a lady doctor and the other a doctoral student.  They didn't have time to go cruising for guys or gals.  Both are happily married. My friend is trying to get me to sign up with eharmony because they match people after a getting them to fill out quite an indepth assessment.
Personally, I am a little cynical about this because I am just cynical. But it could be fun to get your feet wet flirting a bit and meeting new people.

Sea storm

[CB123]

edit

[Sela]

Hiya again Write:

My life is full of everything really- except sex and affection and a partner!

The sex I've been living without for ages anyway, but I would so love someone to cuddle up to occasionally...someone to walk in the park with, tell my day to...

Only you will know when you are ready and healthy enough to be in a serious relationship with someone.  This got me thinking about temporary or substitute measure to help with these needs until that time comes.

Sex?  The good news is.......you can't catch any nasty or deadly diseases right now.  Please take measures to protect yourself if you become active.  It's a life-threatening activity nowadays!

Affection?  I sincerely suggest you get a pet.  Honestly.  I know what you mean about having someone to cuddle up with and truly, a pet can help a lot in that department.  They are great pals too and good company.  They help dispell lonliness because they are always there.

A partner?  To discuss daily stuff with?  Go for walks with?  Again, a pet will help.  Also, how about getting a journal and writing it down....as if you are talking to a partner?   I know these are not the same as having a life mate but maybe a help?  Might help you feel less deprived?

My honest opinion is that in order to attract a happy and healthy mate, we must be happy and healthy within ourselves....within our own lives.....first.  So the best advice then, is probably .......to work toward those ends.  The happier and healthier you feel......the sooner you will be attracting that type of person, which I assume is the type of person you want to have for a mate.  Until then, you must find ways to meet your own needs that will do, I guess.

((((((Write)))))))

Friendship can help alot too.  Do you have close friends?  People you share your deepest stuff with? 

Sela

[WRITE]

Until then, you must find ways to meet your own needs that will do, I guess.

you're right of course.

I am not sure how to do this transition though. Maybe I shoudl just jump in and date a bit and be mindful...as for the pet thing, yes I got a dog last year but I've moved to an apartment we had a lease on and she's now with ex until I get a house again; I miss her a lot!

Do you have close friends?  People you share your deepest stuff with? 

yes, I have friends, I am careful these days not to overwhelm people though. Bipolars are very intense sometimes.

I saw the therapist yesterday, that helped. I've booked another appt for next week.

And on the way home a friend called.

I sometimes aren't on the same time-scale as everyone else because my thoughts go so fast, I think people aren't caring but they're just not responding in my time-frame! In which ten minutes can feel like forever...

Tomorrow I am going to a divorce support group meal. I met the people a few weeks ago at a party, no one I really connected with but it's nice to have all these various different people and groups to keep trying things out.

I also bought me a lovely blue blouse in the sales yesterday, $8, so I will feel beautiful!

Thanks CB. My ex just signed up with eharmony too!


So watch out Seastorm

My friend is trying to get me to sign up with eharmony because they match people after a getting them to fill out quite an indepth assessment.
Personally, I am a little cynical about this because I am just cynical. But it could be fun to get your feet wet flirting a bit and meeting new people.
getting my feet wet. I like that. Not enough to drown or get washed out to sea...just a paddle ( this is not a sexual metaphor!  )

that if someone is only interested in one-on-one therapy, then a good stretch in a group therapy setting is probably what they will grow most in.
And the obverse: if one gravitates to groups, then there might be big growth in intensive one-on-one work.

my new music director draws far more attention to me than I am used to but I will say it's pushign my comfort zone a bit, and also I feel quite able to say stop or draw the line or just nothing if necessary too.

It's when we get embarrassed or conflicted or hurt that it's hard to draw boundaries at that point, so maybe it's another skill to learn in this area too. To be a little of these things and practise not losing sight of myself or control.

Thanks everyone, really helpful.

[Brigid]

Hi Write,
I've been out of town for several days and just catching up here a little.

Unless you have a parcel of kids still around to keep you busy, loneliness is bound to happen as part of a divorce.  Since you have time when you don't need to be available to your son, I suggest getting involved with an activity where men would be present.  I would strongly recommend skiing, as they are thick as thieves in that sport, but I know you're in TX and that wouldn't be practical.  Golf would be a good bet for you, as they certainly love to do that, too.  Tennis or just a workout facility would also be a likely location.  I personally took up curling and have made friends with lots of men--married and not--but it gets you in a situation of learning to relate to new men again, without necessarily looking at them as potential dating material.

I did meet my b/f through an on-line dating service (not eharmony), so do recommend that as a way to meet a variety of men.  You need to be careful and take your time getting to know someone before actually meeting them, but the worst that can happen is you have a boring cup of coffee or drink with someone for an hour and you're out the door.

The moment I met my b/f for coffee, we knew there was chemistry.  We did not jump in with both feet, but dated casually for 3-4 months, while casually seeing other people as well.  That allowed both of us time to evaluate the other without heavy duty romance involved.  After that time and being able to compare our feelings for each other to how we felt when we were with someone else, we knew it was time to make it exclusive. 

We have been exclusive for 1 1/2 years now and are passionately in love.  We both still have our separate activities and trips with the guys or girls, but have also taken interest in each other's passions.  We just returned from a ski trip (his passion, but I enjoy it) and had a wonderful time.  In a couple of months, we'll head to the islands (my passion, but he enjoys it) for a warm, sunny vacation.  In between, he'll ski with the guys and I'll visit girlfriends in a warm climate. 

I guess my best suggestion is to just get yourself out there.  Take your time getting comfortable with yourself and who you are.  Joining a divorce support group is a great idea, but unlike Hops, I think it is better to be in a mixed group, as women's groups tend to be a lot about male bashing, imo.  I always find it interesting to learn the male perspective on whatever the subject matter is.  It really does help to learn how they tick (they tick and we tock, pretty much).  Gaining confidence and being comfortable in your own skin is key to finding someone who is healthy and secure.

My best to you.

Brigid

[Overcomer]

Hi Everyone!!  I can relate.......but let me caution you all.  I met my husband on match.com.  He presented himself as something he wasn't and because I was so desperate to be loved and wanted I overlooked some red flags early on.  I thought I could deal with his extreme boring personality because he was good in bed.  He didn't really become a drunk until AFTER the wedding..............on the honeymoon to be exact.  I thought we had things in common because we both liked to watch college football.  Only problem was we didn't like the same team.  Now five years later I don't even watch my favorite team because he has harrassed the fan right out of me.  Disses me like I am a buddy........to an extreme.  Thought I could deal with his love for a 70/80s band.................but now I cannot stand them because he has played the same songs over and over and over for five years and I think I shall gag, too. 

Loneliness is not a bad thing.  If you can afford to live alone.................stay that way.  I think if you have a history of dating Ns or being raised by Ns.............you will naturally attract an N.  Someone will see that you are needy and that eventually they can control you by manipulations and threats...........either overt or covert......they will be there.  If you are not sure you are well.................don't go there.  You will get yourself into the same situation.  I know a girl who met a man on eharmony.  She left her daughter with her ex and moved to another state to be with this man.  And it wasn't a year later she had divorced him and moved back to be with her daughter.  It wasn't six months from  the time they met that they were married and he had her convinced to leave her teenaged daughter behind..................ludacris...............stupid............but for the want of love and companionship she did it.

[Hopalong]

Hey Brig,
I was mad at CB's good-ole-boys attorneys because I do think there's an enormous amount of insensitivity to (or overlooking of) the emotional damage done to abused women and children by some men in the judicial system. (And vice versa, of course, when a woman is the abuser). I don't know if CB's in the south but I am and, lord, this is not inventing anything.

When I was so involved in women's support groups the effect it had was that I felt I was getting to know other women very deeply, at the core of their humanity. I believe one result of that experience is that I truly love men with a lot of compassion. I just found a lot more compassion for everyone. I don't go around man-bashing or generalizing, normally. The groups I participated in focused on the women developing their own voices and strengths, not amplifying their victimhood. CB's situation, though, having just heard how vilely her exN had just treated her children just made me see red. And unfortunately, I do see it as a pattern in the justice system.

Siggghhhh.

A happier thing...It's so good to hear you! And more of the story of you and your boyfriend's happiness and cooperation just feels SO good to hear. Warms my heart. Gives me hope.

love,
Hops