Hi Sunshine.
Well never once think they don’t know they are doing it. They plan it that way: the crazymaking.
(Just to interject, the N from Hell here, the minute he saw me starting lunch would say, ”Oh I have to make a phone call. Be right back”, or “Oh I have to see Bing, across the street. Be right back.” He never was right back: usually gone over the hour so I had two choices, eat without him or wait for him. If I ate without him he bitched that I at least could have waited for his important business to be over, or if I waited for him he would say, ”You don’t have to wait for me. What? You need me to spoon-feed you?”--- Well I tried to solve what I was doing wrong but there is no answer for that…yet I didn’t know about N—ism until I left him.)
Yes. Dealing with an N is difficult and I see yours has used the divide and conquer on the eldest child. They can be so convincing, and never lose the ability to talk the hind legs off a horse, while you sit with your mind in such a jumble not a sensible word comes out.
I expect all of us must find our own way. Have you read Sam Vaknin’s writings on NPD? He can be a great help, but then he rather goes on and on and is not a certified Psychologist. There are other sites on the Internet.
My daughter married an N. They were married 10 years, but she left him, (1994) took the 3 children. 2 years before the divorce (1996.) The children would have been, 8, 5, and 2. She worked and applied for University again, already had some credits under her belt, that the marriage brought to an end. She was wasted to the bone!
She finally had her health degree and is a mid-wife..
When the eldest was 13, almost 14, N Dad had convinced him to leave Mom and go live with him. He is now 20 and an N as well and he and Mom not on good terms. Next is daughter, now 17 still at home, and I just heard from her today that the youngest now 14, has gone to live with N Dad….another N in the making.
Yes it seems most Ns get their way and they can lie so effectively and can act as though they are the sane ones and you are nuts!
Don’t let him drive you around the bend!
Sleep in another room? Don’t do for him, just do for the children and yourself? Does he have any harpies on the side? Get proof? Set up a plan of action to defeat him? Keep your mind in motion so you don’t lose it?
I had only 4½ years to deal with the one here (Imagine mother and daughter both having an N) but this one was psychopath too (criminal behaviour) We owned a business together and it was going along fine, but I earned nothing from it. It was all his, even though I put into it too. Capital and work. I was doing the books, building computers, whatever and never a cent came my way. I finally asked him for my Capital back, and then wrote a cheque to myself, signed it and cashed it! Then when the next available apt. came up, I moved out! That was 4½ years ago, but then another 6months of feigning a friendship while I was dissolving the partnership, and finally received the papers. I sent them by registered mail, then No more Contact!!!!! He was now about 7 months behind in the bookkeeping---too much for anyone to catch up with his sloppy ways and no Tax Returns for 5 years. Government came after him, as I received calls, but I don’t know the end result.
I see that he is reduced to renting out rooms to be able to pay the bills and I know he lost the one big account that brought in most of his income. Leave them on their own long enough and they will do themselves in.
Sorry for the ramble, but where there’s a Will there’s a Relative—oops, I mean, there is a Way. You will find yours and this is a good place with good people.
Hang in there
Love isittoolate
(Izzy for short.)
