How do you feel when an N relative dies?

[SilverLining]

My 94 year old N grandfather passed away a week ago.  I hadn't described him much on this board, but I suspect he was more of a classic NPD while my father is more introverted/autistic.  I only saw my grandfather maybe 8 times in my life (45 years), and my memories are mostly not very positive.  He had a tendency to drone on about himself and his opinions without relent.  He died alone in a nursing home after alienating pretty much everybody.  His wife (my step grandmother) started coming out of a long depression when he was finally put in a nursing home and she was able to live on her own and reconnect with her family.  They had spent 20 years living in an isolated place out in the woods, where my grandfather waited around for people to come and hear his wisdom.  Not too many showed up.   

I find it hard to feel much about it, other than a sort of lingering sadness more over the lack of any real relationship than anything else.  The rest of the family seems to be putting up a good show, but I detect an underlying sense of relief.  My father actually has seemed happier and less N-ish since it became clear about 6 months ago that my grandfather didn't have long to live. 

Anybody else have experiences like this? 

[CB123]

ed

[Stormchild]

Relief, tj.

Only relief.

But that's when you know, you are sure, you have gotten past the denial and the enabling and the attempting-to-fix-and-rescue, you are aware that the situation is hopeless as long as the N wishes to remain an N and that it's only they who can change it... and they prefer it just the way it is.

That's when all the mourning has been done previously and toxic hope has been laid to rest. There aren't any more 'hooks' in your skin [I shoulda been more this, less that, I could have fixed this if only I had done such and such, etc. etc.]. You know it wasn't about you. You know it was there long before you ever were, and would remain whether or not you were present or absent, no matter what you did or didn't do, or how long you did or didn't do it.

Then - only relief.

No guilt mixed in with it, because you know you did all you could, and more than most other people ever would, and nothing would have been enough, nothing could be enough ever.

No shame or blame mixed in with it, because you know you were not the inadequate one.

Just relief. For them as well as yourself, because you also know just what a wretched, blighted, empty life they really had, and their suffering has ended at last.

[Stormchild]

Ns typically become much worse as they age, because their ability to control people usually diminishes. They're no longer able to conceal their N-ness long enough to charm people, they're no longer beautiful or handsome. The 'bait' they used in their youth is no longer available, the smokescreens are gone, there's nothing left for them to hide behind or deceive with.

Those with money who can still jerk people around with the power that money buys also tend to get worse because, in spite of their money, people abandon them in droves... they drive them away more and more.

And when there are fewer people around to prey upon, the preying becomes much more concentrated and desperate.

Plus there's something called 'terminal malaise'... which is when people haven't made peace with their own mortality and are running out of time on earth. A terrible fear of death combined with the awful awareness that it is on its way. It's an awful thing for anyone to suffer, but especially horrible for Ns.

[SilverLining]

Plus there's something called 'terminal malaise'... which is when people haven't made peace with their own mortality and are running out of time on earth. A terrible fear of death combined with the awful awareness that it is on its way. It's an awful thing for anyone to suffer, but especially horrible for Ns.

Interesting.  Thanks everybody for the replies.  I suspect "terminal malaise" is a good description of what my grandfather went through in his later years.  After he retired and moved out into the woods, he went through a phase where he was calling up relatives and trying to talk them into coming to visit,  but he lived so far away it was a good two day trek involving a plane trip and a 500 mile drive (a good excuse to not go and be subjected to self absorbed monologuing).  He set himself up to be alone and then put the burden on everybody else to maintain some kind of relationship.  So then he "disinherited" just about everybody in the family.   He went on feuding with people and (it appeared) wasting his life for nearly 20 years. What a dysfunctional saga.

Only in more recent years have I figured out this stuff is the result of a possible personality disorder. 

I sure hope my father doesn't now become more like my grandfather  

[Overcomer]

Hi All!  My grandfather died of Alzheimer's when he was 89........I remember him being a very angry, critical man who controlled the family.  When I was a little girl and before my mom made her fortunes................we always tiptoed around grandpa and really lied to him.  My mom and aunts had piano lessons but we would never tell him.  He was totally in control of the family.  My mom married an air force guy and our family moved around.  It was like a freedom from him for her.  We went on a family trip and stopped at a restaurant........grandpa wouldn't eat and was angry at my dad for ordering a steak for himself and a hot dog for my brother.  That was the straw that broke the camels back and my mom vowed to NEVER let my grandfather control the situation with his moods, etc.  So from then on we kind of dismissed poor grandpa.  He lost his power.  We stopped being afraid of him..........................well, go forward 20 years after my mom had made a bunch of money and the same thing happened.....only what set her off was drinking or doing anything that wasn't "Christian...."  She lived and breathed the do's and don'ts of being a Christian.  She controlled me with guilt and manipulation.  I did whatever she wanted.  But something is happening now.  She is starting to lose it.  People are starting to dismiss her.  She is a bitter angry woman who is losing her control.  The only control she still has is a deep pocket and maybe the threat of withholding her money.  She has had two facelifts and a tummy tuck.  She looks young but she acts old.  She has temper tantrums to try to get back control.  I look right at her and smile - almost laugh - because it is so stupid.

But what scares me about the former posts is that everyone says Ns get worse with age.  And if my nmom lives another 20 years, I cannot deal with the way she is becoming and what the future holds if she doesn't get her way..........

[mudpuppy]

How do you feel when an N relative dies?

You mean they're not immortal?
Here I was thinking little tin gods live forever.

mud