I believed I was on my way, but guess again

[eyesopened]

Originally when I found this board, I thought that since I had identified my problem I was well on my way. At this point I'm sure those of you who have been through this are thinking, she sure has alot to learn. Believe me, you are so right.

Short history, I have always been the one that tries to save/fix everything for everyone else. My mother died when i was five and was raised by a father that was a military officer with my three brothers. There were no significant women in my life. I have numerous friends (male and female), but have a very difficult time with relationships. I tend to go for the emotionally unavailable men, trying to win them over and losing myself in the mean time.Through counseling, I know that I am trying to win my father's love/approval which isn't going to happen with this type of person. The big question is how do you stop? Counseling helps up until this point.

I have been in a relationship/friendship for the past three and a half years. he has been divorced for over 20 years and has had no othe significant relationships.He probably has allowed me in as much as he would allow anyone in his life and so I guess I felt I was finally proving I was worthy. Worthy of what, I have no clue.He is angry at me right now, as my New Years resolution was to get on with my life. I told him since we were only friends, that I thought it was time I shold start dating. Now he is punishing me, by not wanting to talk or see me.Honestly I do know if I truly love him or if it's the challenge, whatever the case it hurts just as bad. We have no physical relationship, but goe on vacations together and his friends all believe we are a couple. He is quite safe in the sense, I can't complain since he's always called it a friendship though he acts otherwise at times.He definelty has given himself a perfect out to where he is the good guy and I just misunderstand things.He definelty was the pursuer in the begining and needed my assistance in a personal matter. We had sex three times in the begining and then he just cut it off, stating that he wasn't any good in relationships and would ruin it if we continued that way, again it's all about what he wants.

I use to think of myself as a strong person, but not anymore. I really need to get direction before this destroys me. I know I should just walk away, believe me I know it, but am afraid to let it go.

[Overcomer]

Dear Eyes:  Guess what?  I have found that my recovery has been two steps forward and one step back.  Yes, I am making progress but those internal voices in my head keep me from leaping into freedom.  There is a post somewhere around here called Negative Scripts.  I read this and loved it.  It talks about how we perpetuate our negative self image, etc. and it is a downward spiral.  We have to counter those negativisms by doing and saying positive things.

Yes, I think you should get away from this man.  It sounds like my daughter's "boyfriend."  They are inseparable but don't go to the next level.  They have been "best friends" for five years.  She is so afraid of losing him if she sets some boundaries that she allows herself to stay in an unfulfilling relationship.  I had another friend who was with a man for 10 years.  These were years should could have gotten married and had a family but she kept hoping he would turn around, get over his former failed marriage, and commit to her.  She told me that one day while washing her face, she looked into the mirror and said to herself....."Self?  I love you too much to put up with this crap anymore."  She immediately broke it off with the guy.  He came crawling back and asked her to marry him.  She said yes but a month later he hesitated again about the commitment and she drop kicked him and never looked back.  Then she met a widower and fell head over heals in love and is married to him this day!!!!!

Sometimes you have to take a chance and make an ultimatum.............otherwise you may be stuck for a very long time!

[liberty]

Hi eyes,

If it's any consolation, I have found that the process is always a back and forth thing. But each time you fall back, you learn something new and you just have to keep on pushing.

Hang in there.

Lib

[Hopalong]

Hi Eyes,
I stayed in a marriage that was absolutely without sex and affection for the last five years, and it nearly broke my spirit.

Healthy reciprocal love has an ease to it.

That notion has blown my mind, thought I'd share it.

Glad you're here.

Hopalong

[axa]

Eyes,

Abuse, abuse, abuse, control, control, control, manipulation, manipulation, manipulation.  That is what I read from your post.  Keep reading here.  It will and does help. I believe working with a therapist who has some experience in object relations would be very helpful.  Working on your issues as to why you feel you deserve so little. 

Welcome here eyes, dont worry about the back and forth bit.  You will go when you are able to go but build up your strength before then.

axa