On being consistent

[My 2 Cents]

, the discussion didn't go exactly the way I intended


Sorry about this Rosen mate, but-- Duh!!    You used a quote from a message directly about guest posts and referred to your own board name comparing it to being anonymous (which = guest!) on the board, and talked about other group members being hidden compared to having a known identity on the board.

Your intent may not have been for things to turn sour, I'll give you that, but it really looks like your intent was to address the guest issue in a backhanded way. Maybe you are incapable of acknowledging that to yourself. Some things just remain unconscious.

You can't plant seeds, water them daily, and then say that you never intended for anything to grow.  







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[rosencrantz]

Bollocks!

As you said, Big Jake, I like to have the last word!!!    

Now, I'll leave you nice chaps and chapesses to play.

Remember 'Toy Story' and try and play nice!!

Enjoy yourself, folk(s)!!

Toodlepip.

R

[Discounted Girl]

wow -- I had to go get some popcorn and a soda to read this thread. It's as good as a matinee. Big Jake ,,, haha ,,, next we'll see John Wayne on here duking it out. Whooaa little pilgrim ,,, simmer down now. Well, whether or not you agree with the verbiage within the message, posting as guest instead of a name is clearly an effort to limit identification.  I would have to log out and then back in to be a guest -- that's too much work.    But, I guess if you share a computer and others might snoop your posts, then I can see the reason, but I would still sign a name at the bottom.  I'm here to learn how other ACON's are dealing with their damage and I will glady help if I can. Having an ID helps accomplish that. We are CON's, yes, but first we are Adults (I think).

[Anonymous]

I'm here to learn how other ACON's are dealing with their damage and I will glady help if I can. Having an ID helps accomplish that.

having an ID did not help me accomplish that!
I had an ID at first and a few people on the board decided they knew my children better than I do and they must be being neglected or damaged and when I protested I must be in denial!

Just as people here today assumed I ( 'guest' ) am 'stuck' and not facing issues because I choose to be anonymous.

I am sticking with 'Guest' id because its what works for me, I never use it to hide behind saying anything malicious or provocative ( like the majority of guests incidentally ) I post as supportively, creatively or informatively as I can, and as I understand it the board owner posted specifically to say posting as guest is OK with him.

There are several nice guests here, and a few people with names who need to be a little more flexible!

[Discounted Girl]

sorry, I don't have a clue what you are talking about. Anyhow, how can we tell you from any other guest, but maybe that would only be relevant if you were asking a question. Nobody is trying to rewrite any rules here, or force you into anything. I can't even figure out which guest is who anymore. If someone has insulted you, send them a rasberry emoticon and ignore them.  I know that I have had my feelings hurt also on message boards and chats, but as an ACON who survived a stolen childhood, I can deal with words on a monitor.

[Anonymous]

Nobody is trying to rewrite any rules here, or force you into anything

yes they were, if you read the thread!
But its cool, and definitely my last posting on the subject of guest.

To quote Dylan Thomas:
somebody's boring me. I think it's me!

[rosencrantz]

This post started off being about 'identity' and whether you need to be consistent. In getting hijacked, it has, interestingly, moved on to another aspect of identity.  

It's a very 'N' thing to decide for other people what they think and what they intend.  ACONs suffer this at the hands of NParents all the time and end up not knowing who they are - and assuming everyone else must be right!  We are so accommodating that we even actively do our best to become what other people assume us to be.

The worst kind of N are the know-it-alls who start brandishing psychological terms about.  I read about that somewhere - more mind games in the name of power and 'not-relating'.  

A sense of curiosity and enquiry and sharing will uncover the truth for those who are interested in it!!

I think of our view of reality as being at the point of a prism - you can slide down either side and on one side is 'reality' and on the other is an 'oh-so-close' version of it which diverges further and further away from 'reality' the further you go.  It's the choosing to slide down the 'true' reality which marks us as able to make healthy choices.  'True' reality is often less exciting because it doesn't feed our 'drama' in the same way.

So people 'choose' to view things in a certain way cos it feeds their need for reality to be a certain way eg 'they're out to get me'.

It's sad that ACON's end up with such a fragile and fragmented identity as a result.  I guess the Ns have suffered just as much - but I think they glued theirs back together again to make it tough and unbreakable and unbending and definite, no questions asked and no matter what the consequences are for others.  

So we have : 'I think this is me' in one corner and 'This is ME' in the other.  And when 'I think this is me' tries to say 'This really is me', it can seem too close to 'This is ME' for either side to feel comfortable about it.

Ns mistake, too often, the grain of truth for the whole desert.  But there's no point in putting effort into disentangling it all with/for people who don't want to listen anyway.  Trouble is you don't always know whether or not they are the ones worth trying to reach until it's too late.
R

[Anonymous]

So people 'choose' to view things in a certain way cos it feeds their need for reality to be a certain way eg 'they're out to get me'.


I think we all tend to believe what we want to believe. Truth is a subjective thing.

When we fell in love with our narcissistic partners for example, I know everything was staring me in the face, it was all there and I chose to ignore it, it wasn't what I wanted to believe.

I've quoted this before, Wendy Cope, Defining the problem

I can't forgive you. Even if I could,

You wouldn't pardon me for seeing through you

And yet I cannot cure myself of love

For what I thought you were before I knew you.

***
Detaching from a narcissist is giving up a dream, and because they often are so much as well as the narcissism, letting go of 'if only...'

I think in recovery too, we distort at first. It took me a while to lose the 'moral high ground' and come back face to face with myself, also to stop seeing the evil and negativity everywhere, and to make peace with myself and others ( including the personality disordered )

My grandmother used to say 'its a hard life if you don't weaken' which didn't make sense then, but it does now.

[Portia]

Hey hey! If there’s a fight going on, how come nobody invited me? “Wanna fight?”!

I’m not serious. But we do have past members as guests, which is a shame. I don’t mind folks posting as guest when they are being genuinely anonymous (?work that one out), but the guests who we know are bearing grudges. Hey we know who you are! You leave your IP footprints all over the site! Per-lease. Use an internet café or library to post and don’t use the same location more than once – it makes it too obvious. And of course use a ‘pay as you go’ service rather than leaving your ISP details scattered around. Duh!

My real reason for posting is to say thanks Rosencrantz, your ‘bollocks’ made me laugh very loudly (mainly because I wanted to say it to an earlier guest thread). Your exclamation was so funny! I hope our guests have a sense of humour too.… P ladybird

[Discounted Girl]

R,
THIS IS TOTALLY TRUE !!!!!!! I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO SAY IT !! Thanks, it's how you Brits say -- spot-on!  This is how I wasted my time/life, squirming around trying to please the unpleasable.

It's a very 'N' thing to decide for other people what they think and what they intend. ACONs suffer this at the hands of NParents all the time and end up not knowing who they are - and assuming everyone else must be right! We are so accommodating that we even actively do our best to become what other people assume us to be.