Watch out I met XN on the internet. Single Dad, so lovely.......blah blah blah bull bull bull.
I have no interest in dating. I am not healthy enough. I do not trust my judgement as yet but maybe a time will come when I do. May meet someone nice by the time I get to the old folks home, thought they do tend to be female dominated!!!
I am sure that unless I am healthy and happy with my life and myself I will continue to attract crazy Ns. I am working so hard on this and I am also enjoying my life. For the first time in my life I do NOT want to be with a man. It is such a grown up feeling.
I was so scared of being alone........... posted here about it and stayed with XN for such a long time and part of it was this reason. Well, my reality is so different.
In the past I tended to isolate myself when I got hurt so I decided what I did in the past has not worked for me so I needed a different strategy. I took myself on as a project and this is how it has turned out. The fact that I am not working at the moment means that I have full days alone and this seemed very scary to me but then he! presto, look what happened
I found you guys.
I walk every day no matter what the weather is like. I realised that I love being out in storms. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE
I write to the little child in me each day.
I do some work around trying to get a job
I have fantasy time on the net where I look at property in Italy
I write or paint or do someting creative
I talk with friends on the phone
I do laundry/read recipies/make plans.
On Monday evenings I have invived 3 neighbours who are interested in art to come and paint in my house. It is lots of fun, the company and the painting.
On Tuesday evenings - not always but sometimes a friend calls and we do an hour of Italian lessons and have some food. He is really good fun so we laugh a lot
On Wed evening - friend comes and we do up to 1 hour meditation
Thursday - free ( something always happens)
And I make a point of asking someone for dinner or arranging to meet someone over the weekend.
Sunday - meet with a walking group that I joined.
I dont have time to be lonely. Sometimes the contact I have with people may only be an hour each day but it is lovely. I am so shocked that I dont feel alone or lonely.
Does this help, I have to be quite strict with myself about making plans because I am not interested in wasting one minute of my life on XN. he stole enough of my time. I have to admit I feel happy alone and happy with my friends. Still struggling with working on developing a healthy way of being for myself but I am doing the work.
Boy I feel proud of me......... hope I dont sound like an N. I guess what I am really saying is that we are all in charge of ourselves. It has taken me years and years and years to figure this one out but if feels good to know it AT LAST>
Love from a happy AXA
