I went to a workshop on working with survivors of trauma today. People were talking about abusive men and their partners. THey had a good laugh when they said that the women didn't really understand the dynamics of the conflicts until they realized that they had a part to play in it. The workshop presenter said ,"yes, the woman could be a real nag". Everyone laughed.
I thought there was something really off about this. It got me going and feeling that I was responsible for Ns behaviour.
I played the relationship back and there were times when I would yell at N with frustration, " You have to contribute to the expenses". He would just look blankly at me or say that he was saving up for his retirement ( He is 54). He would not move on this point. I would say , "then you have to leave, you can't just keep staying and I am your cash cow". But he would not step up to the plate. He would not do housework. Or he would promise repeatedly to help but then not do anything. Finally, I would explode and he would say ," You're having an episode. You're mentally ill. These mood swings are getting worse." And they did get worse.
I was desperate for him to love me. I loved the look of him, the sound of his voice, the way he petted the cat, everything. But the more I cared about him the more contemptuous he became.
He got his own email address and I said. Hey, How come you have a secret email. He said that it was to keep track of his business. This was a lie. Sometimes I would quietly walk up to see what he was writing but he furtively cancelled the screen. He knew it was covert. Even when he was leaving to spend three weeks in a city far away to be with her, he said that he would be staying at her daughter's. He insisted that he was job searching because she had connections in high places. He would also mention that he was getting tested for STDs. We hadn't had sex in months. Or he would say off-handedly, " A marriage should be able to withstand an affair". So I would say,"Are you having an affair?" He would say '"No".
Finally, I could not stand the cat and mouse torture anymore and I started looking. I found out they talked on the phone every day long distance. He would phone her after phoning me. They emailed nearly every night. I found one that said , "Goodnight kiss hug kiiss hug." I asked him about it and he said they had been friends in high school and they always used to say kiss hug kiss hug and it meant nothing. I would feel like I was going nuts. All the lies for months.
He still tells me that they are just friends and that after a year they will look at having a relationship. I haven't talked to him for weeks about this stuff and I am starting to feel sane again slowly. He is convinced that I am a raging bi-polar disturbed, verbally abusive tragic character who threw away a very good man. A good man that did not contribute financially to the home for a year. When he got money he squirrelled it away in a private account. He wouldn't work, or help in the house or the yard for four years. We bought a fixer upper together and he did nothing. He welched on the deal. But I was a nag.
I did nag and it drove me nuts. I wish I had stopped it much sooner. Now he says that he didn't work because of me. Somehow I was responsible for his not working.
He broke my spirit. But I got out. It is a hard road back.
Sea storm
